Deb hugs hon

so sorry for your loss and deepest sympathy for yas all concerned

Take care of you deb at this sad time.

I love all your responses and I read them over and over. can't imagin what I would do if I did not have you guys and my animal lover friends.

Mourning is such horrible hard work. Takes away everything in me. Can't think, can't talk, can't do what I need to do...that being getting ready to move.

dang why is the font thing not the same and this box so little?

I tell ya I am learning more about death than I ever wanted to know. I knew mom was dieing. It was in my head. I am very intuitive to things, see differences, subtle ones. could always tell my students were using and what they had used when they walked into my classroom. 

I knew other things too and it freaked them out.

So now I know about death, can't hide from me anymore in certain circumstances.

Mom always sent me stuff, flowers, cards, cloths, money designated for popcorn for the pigs or whatever.

When she sent a package it was all decorated with stickers. Always a note inside.

she always send posts and answered mine. WE talked on the phone everyday if not twice a day.

things were changing so much, she slept more ended up in the hospital twice, packages just plain. the last one with no note at all.

In it was a sundress in the freezing of winter.

she did not celebrate xmas for a long time. last one she went all out. went nuts in fact.

in her house she had her husband put in new huge windows, new French doors. She got a new chair, new bed.

she told me something BIG is going to happen this year. she did not know what but it was big. I said good or bad? she didn't know.

I felt her closer to me than ever.. Needed her all the  more, me moving life on a new chapter. and I did not want this chapter with out my mom. she was so wise. I am dieing inside, rotting away. I read the posts and think, oh someone else will tell them.

the world of thought and order and balance is beyond me right now.

I talk to her husband about every day. more I listen to him. he has been with her since he was 17 and went into the service, came home and she waited she was only 14 when they met.

been together all this time. She would have been 65 in July. same age my bio mother died.

the pain is indescribeable. I know many of you have been thru this and I am glad if you have not. To have a human being be so much a part of  you thru it all, loving you thru it all, catching you when you fall, telling you NO do not get another pig, STAY off of petfinders...

Or stay off that roof, or be able to tell me what is going on with something when I describe the situation, her wiseness her love.

I am a shell with rotten guts. the world feels like cardboard. I want to find my husband who is dead, my mother my gma my best friends. all dead.

Just one person to go to who is alive still and I can maybe feel some love,some life.

I love my animals but I know in times like this, they cannot fulfill what ya need.

this'll ease up, mornings and eves are the worst.

yesterday a person took me to get hay and grain. I lifted 10  50 pound sacks out of the truck and 11  65 pound bales of hay in and out.

she is a new friend, not real emotional. says she does not get that attached to things. if I said something about mom she would start talking about something else, never inviting me to let it out. which is fine. she couldn't do it.

I don't even think I felt lifting all that. robot here AI

I feel like bundling up and going down to the river and just laying down and going to sleep.

Is this box different or is it me? It is tiny and the letters are way too small for me. I have to change the stupid font all the time as it goes back to the mini stuff.

no patience here at all.

today I am turning off phones and locking doors and covering windows. not that anyone will come here.

yesterday I got a few groceries too. the healthfood store lady said honey girl (she is southern) your cheeks are just so bright red! ya they get like that under stress.

I told her, yes my bio mother died, a lady adopted me and was my dearest mom for years and she died two days ago.

She was so sweet, carried my bag out, then gave me a hug.I needed that. she meant it.

Watching my A die ever so slowly is so horrible too. I am glad I do not have to see it anymore. I even had a thought of why could it not have been  him instead of my mom? Just an irrational thought.

You know I would give me anything to make me feel better. but there is nothing.

people giving the time to write here does feel good.

love hurts,debilyn