Needing some advice. - Al-Anon Family Group

Nailsxtacks · Member

RE: Needing some advice.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

When I was married to my X, I can remember Fridays when he didn't come home from work. I feared he'd been hurt in a serious accident, didn't love me anymore, might be partying away his pay at a bar with friends(which was usually what he was doing). I'd worry about what would happen to the kids if something had happened to him or how we'd feed our babies if he spent his whole paycheck or what I'd do if he didn't love me anymore. I can remember what type of clothes he wore, the name of his cologne, that he always wore sunglasses and liked Led Zeppelin. I can tell you that my kids were both blond haired, blue eyed, their shampoo type and what they wore. I can tell you so much about them all that I remember from way back then. I can tell you how worried I felt until he came home. How relieved I was when he arrived. Then, how scared and frustrated I was when I learned he'd gone to the bars to party and spent money for the kids' formula or food on who knows what?

This is what I can't tell you: What I wore. The type of cologne I wore. What I liked to eat. What I liked to do for fun.

I can't tell you those things because my mind then was always focused on him and the kids - never me. I seemed to get swallowed up for awhile between him and his stuff and my kids needs. I allowed his comings and goings and doings and my kids to be more important than I was to me. I kept asking my HP to help me and it took me awhile to realize that I had to help me by paying attention to me, too. I had to withdraw my attention from my husband and put it directly onto myself. It wasn't his comings and goings that determined how I thought or felt. It was where I chose or didn't choose to focus my attention first.

I do hope you will attend Al-Anon and keep coming back here, too. We're here for you. We understand. We've gone through some of these things you are going through, too.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Are you doing better because your boyfriend is calling you? What will happen to you if he stops calling? What will happen to you if he gets out of rehab and starts using again? What will happen to you if he leaves the relationship?

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

PP wrote:
Are you doing better because your boyfriend is calling you? What will happen to you if he stops calling? What will happen to you if he gets out of rehab and starts using again? What will happen to you if he leaves the relationship?

I so agree....and i just read grateful's post and i was thinking "omg, this is ME" knew what my kids wore, what the AH's wore, what they did, but what about what did i know about me???? NOTHING!!!! the AH's are gone, of my doing, i was done w/substance abusers and i was like kids are grown, its just ME....WHO AM I???? what do I want???? where is MY life going???

alanon has shown me WHO, WHAT I am and what my needs are , and how to get them met......i think back of all the sick boyfriends i had and UGHHHHH I want to vomit....all that time wasted and what did i get out of the relationships????? More bad memories to add to the pile my family started me with.........

have you started meetings???? got anything on the steps yet???? would love to hear what u r doing for you.....and i would RE read Paula's post above me here.....she is asking what a good sponsor would ask you......if you put your life around another, you are setting yourself up for disaster....especially a substance abuser......I know...I have been hurt so badly by drinkers and dopers.....and oh yea, they go to rehab, it all looks good till they relapse......google it!!! the percentage of narcotic users is even less then the alcholics...not much, but they are the WORST when it comes to staying clean.......I know...my druggie niece, i learned a lot.....how many rehabs?? how many jail and prison stays???? how many promises "this time I am done" only for her to relapse.....she stole her own daughter's jewelry to get her last fix that sent her to prison......none of us will allow her in our homes, unsupervised....naaaw...they will steal the pennies out of a dead man's eyes if they don't have the money to buy their stuff........

you have a baby boy!!! Do you really want to pursue this kind of relationship and expose the baby to it??? my nieces daughter by the age of 5 was the best at rolling a joint...and she knows all about cocaine and meth.....oh yea, great stuff to expose the children to......i still get mad when i think about my niece and the awful things she exposed her kids to....Her son ran away and joined up with the military to get away from her.....

I'm not telling you this for shock therapy, I am telling you this painful stuff b/c I have BEEN there and SEEN the damage these people cause......

OK...shared my experience....Please take what you can use and discard the rest.........Hope the boy enjoys his festivities.....You appear to really love this child.....HE needs you more than your friend does....your friend needs to work out his own problems......your little boy isn't old enough to care for himself.....Just saying

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