Hello, good to see that he is getting help. It is a possibility that the treatment center your boyfriend is at may have taken phone time away. My ex was in a residential center and there were other people their working the program too. If someone in the program breaks a rule or expectation while in treatment then one of their consequences was having their phone time taken away. It was a way to show our loved ones that their choices effect everyone and so do their consequences from those choices.

Hello. I can understand your concern. I, too, have worried because of fears that are generated when I don't know what is happening. One of the things that have helped me as a member of Al-Anon is learning that whatever I need to know will come to me without any effort on my part. I don't have to believe one fearful thought that enters my mind when my need to know kicks in. I can choose to believe that all is well until I know more. Keep coming back. We have on-line meetings here, too.

Thank you everyone. I'm trying to stay calm and not jump to conclusions. We live in Oklahoma and they sent him to rehab in Florida so it's taking a toll on me not being able to see him for a month let alone now I haven't heard from him and I'm just worrying. I also have issues with depression and anxiety and suicidal thoughts and this doesn't help. I'm trying to be strong for myself, my son, and my boyfriend. And my boyfriend would even tell me how proud of me he is for being so strong while he's gone. But I'm breaking down. And fast.

Are you open to attending a 12 step meeting format to help you?

Hi Nails,

We have meetings twice a day.  click on the link at the top of the page that says "Al Anon Group Meeting/Chat room".  Meetings are 9 AM and 9 PM on weekdays.  In addition, there are quite often folks just hanging out in the chatrooms who would love to talk about your situation.

Kenny

I have started telling myself that today. That everything is okay. I don't believe he would just stop calling without telling me. I'm trying to focus on he probably just wanted time to himself or he lost phone privileges. If all goes well he'll be out in two weeks. I just hope I hear from him before then. Thank you so much. I'll look into the books. I really want to understand myself and what he is going trough.

i can't attend face-to-face meetings because of my schedule with my son and my job.

 

 

((((Nails))))  Welcome to the board...this is a wake up call from all of us who have been where you are at one way or the other ourselves.  We all came to the first lesson which we had to accept so that we would stop our fighting and worrying and attempts at controlling the unknown..."We admitted we were powerless over alcoholism...."  and then the second part which I admitted more "...and that our lives had become unmanageable".     If you can during this period of days...hang with us.  Check in with the MIP board daily and if you understand the awareness of having a "Power greater than Nailsxtacks...trust that greater/higher power" as you come sit and learn with us.    Keep coming back.   (((((hugs)))))

PP wrote:

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Welcome to MIP.  Before al anon I spent so much time consumed with worries in my romantic relationships.  I regret the loss of that time.  As has been suggested, al anon program work can bring you peace, regardless of what he is or isn't doing.  And one truth about a person abusing substances, you cannot trust what they say....they cannot trust what they say.

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 welcome and i could not agree with this more.....i was obsessed w/my romantic relationships and I, too, am sorry i wasted that time.......are there any face to face alanon meets near you???   Drug addiction hit very close to home with me  re; my niece...the percentages of them recovering and staying off it are low......I hope you will give alanon a chance to help you find you and take care of you

you are powerless over him and hopefully a few meets , talking w/the more experienced members can help you know that the only person you can help is you.........and its true..substance abuse , you can't trust ANYthing they say....... they will lie like a flat rug and look you in the eye, sound so convincing and still LIE....they will steal,  sell their soul to the devil for that fix....i know.....i had to cut niece out of my life b/c she is a liar and a thief...now she is clean after many many jail and prison sentences,  but for how long???? she is 50 now...how long...30 years she has been fighting this......it has ravaged her beauty, her memory,  its awful....i would never ever get involved with substance abusers ever again....just too much pain attached to them...........glad you are here....you are not alone

Nailsxtacks wrote:

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Still nothing today. It's been 4 days. :(

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 we have online meetings here twice a day......really, there is nothing you can do about this, but you can find your own peace......its up to you...i know, its tough, but when you get into alanon and begin finding yourself, AND thank goodness hes in recovery......if he is serious about his recovery, he is gonna need to focus on saving his life....a romantic relatioship might be too much for him at this time......usually when one is new in recovery, if they are not married, the others encourage them to hunker down..work the program...only do the essentials, like recovery,...job...pay bills....the basics......for a long while his only relationship should be AA or NA, for opiates it would be narcotics anonymous........and really, if he is serious, he won't want to do much other than meetings each day,  sponsor work on the 12 steps......

if i were you, i would work my alanon and let him be to work his program......the chances of him staying sober or clean is about 15-20%   the odds are against him......he CAN make it but its an uphill grind and usually relapses are in order...i know..i have an addict niece......the percentages are low that they  stay for life, clean.......

worrying about him is not going to do anything but give you pain.....i'e been there...when my niece was MIA, i would obsess, worry about her (i took her away from her mom and finished raising her up)  and worrying about her didn't not help her recovery nor did it help me......i wish to god i had had alanon sooner.....i wold have spared me a lot of grief....

is there anyone you can call to get some friendly support????  in the meets, they trade tel #s, but since you can't go face to face, online meets are a good substitute.....you make friends with the regulars and maybe one can help you via online email, etc........

I create unrest for myself if I have a certain outcome in my mind that is deemed good or bad.  Surrender expectations and heal yourself....let your boyfriend do what he needs to do.  The truth of why he isn't calling may hurt you, but it really isn't about you.  That is easy to say and hard to accept, I know.  Let us know how your meetings and recovery go....

Ahhhhh. 3 year olds. I love that age. They are still awake to the wonders of life and can articulate it, too. Happy birthday planning for your little guy! If he's like the 3 year olds who have been in my life, he's caught up in the fun with you, too? I love to watch them get so excited that they're going to be celebrated in a very special way.

Well, having been through this, I'm guessing some of your worries for him not calling are now gone. You know he's trying to call you, right?

Take another look at all the responses above. You will get through this, keep praying to HP, keep reading here, try to go to some online meetings.  Keep the focus on you and planning the birthday party for that three year old.  They grow up so fast - I remember when my 14 year old was three, he was the cutest bundle of energetic joy I had ever seen!  Now at 14 he smells funny, and leaves his socks everywhere, is sassy bus still (usually) respectful.

 

Kenny

He never called unfortunately.

PP wrote:

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Any insights from your readings or online meeting?  We love these sorts of shares.

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 I agree...I love it when i see a person have their first online meet and also what they learned from the other meet members......so how did it go???  we have them 2x per day...awesome meets.....

Take time out at night when your child is asleep and read just a little. Come here everyday and read everyone's E/S/H. Try hard to go to F2F meetings.

I was once addicted to my addict as well. I could think of nothing but my AH and it paralyzed my life, turned my life inside out and upside down. He went to rehab 3 times in a year and by the third time I had enough knowledge and help from right here to find my own sanity, peace and serenity and to start creating my own individual life. It feels so good today!

You can do this try the serenity prayer every minute if you need to. Try just reading step 1 and thinking on it. You will start to feel differently it's true.

((Hugs))

glad wrote:

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.someone said to me " relax it is very hard to loose an alcoholic....even when you want to".

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 OMG...LOL....Sooo true, glad....those needy mosquitoes on 2 legs will never dump us UNLESS they find someone even more enabling and giving to them.........you are so right.....i had to pack up my X's stuff and I was married so yea, it was a bit tougher, but i had to pack them up and PUT them out of my life........

Just to update everyone my boyfriend is still doing great. He's not able to call as much anymore because there are a lot more people in the rehab center now than when he first got there but he does call at least once a day.