The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I kicked my A out afew weeks ago to figure himself out and to only come home if he chooses to sober up.
Last night i went out and when i came home i found flowers in the kitchen, all the dishes done, and the house tidy...(when im depressed i dont clean much!)
I figured that was his way of saying he has made a mistake and he'd like to make things right.
I called him to thank him. whilewe were on the phone, he had a proposition for me fo next weekend, which is a public holiday here so its a long weekend.
He asked if i wanted to go away with him to visit one of his friends for a few days. this friend of his is a drinking buddy, so i asked if he will be drinking, and he didnt repond to that particular question. he just told me how i will be able to relax coz we are away and i'll be able to have a couple of wines and enjoy the weekend. AAAARGH
In the good ol days (up until last month) he knew that if we ever went away together it was a sober affair.................. So what the hell was he thinking??????????????????????
Has he forgotten that he has moved out because i cant deal with the alcohol anymore? Has he forgotten how i cant stand to see him with a drink in his hand? im finding it increasingly frustrating that he cant actually see what is going on. Is he in denial? i honestly cant cope with this much more.
that's that different reality he lives in. it's so devious, trying to sucker us back in to the chaos all the time. stick with your boundaries, (((arty))). no matter how many dishes get done or do not get done, your serenity and sanity is worth more.
with love cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I truly believe this behavior that we see in our a's helps us to understand that this is a cunning, baffeling and powerful monster that we all deal with (them and us).
I have come to learn that there is a deep desire within the alcoholic to want to do the right thing, and yet they wage war within themselves not only with the alcohol but with the human nature of not wanting to be controlled. When I choose to give the "ultimatium" of having the alcoholic choose between me and the addiction, I'm going to lose. I really lose because when I think I'm "fighting" the person, I'm not.... it is the disease that is strongest.
We have the right to choose to live away from the alcoholism of another adult, but it is also important for me to remember that doesn't mean that I'm going to be free from the affects of the disease on me. Just for an example.... I no longer live with my ah. I choose to separate when infidelity became an issue in his disease. However, I do live with an addicted adolescent (my 13 year old son) whom I can't divorce and with whom I, as his parent, have to use the tools of my program in order to ward off the infliction of his disease. I see alot of the raging war going on within my son that I couldn't see in my ah because I was so obsessed at that time of wanting such a "perfect" (whatever that means) life. We can only do what we can to take care of ourselves and do our best not to inflict the hurt we feel from the alcoholic in our life back to them.
Is he dillusional? Sure he is, but I know that I can be too in this disease.
That's sort of the way it used to be with me. He'd disappear to go an a binge, come home and as soon as he got over being sick, he'd do things like do the dishes, vacuum, and just be real nice. Try to get on my good side. No mention of the drinking. Sometimes I'd be pissed and carry an attitude, sometimes I'd let up and just be relieved he had sobered up and was back to "normal". The hard part was (and still is at times) for me to get it in my head that he was sick with disease and that this is the way it had him behaving - and there was absolutely no way for me to stop him from drinking. I could beg, plead, cry, scream and yell, or do a silent treatment, but nothing was going to change him. Then I thought that getting him to sit and talk about it and listening to him would do the trick. Got him the Big Book and other books. But in the end it was like me getting him healthy food for weight he didn't want to admit he needed losing. It was finally starting to register in my brain (with help) that I couldn't do anything about his drinking. And if he thought about taking me ANYWHERE to be with ANY of his drinking buddies for a glass of wine - forget it! I knew where it would lead. He wanted to be with them because he NEEDED to drink. Being nice to me didn't change his need to drink. I think it was just another form of his denial - be nice and it all be good again and a little drink will be relaxing. Delusional indeed. My A has been living out of our home for a few months, supposedly going to AA, and is still delusional. Right now he is on the 8th day of a binge. Moving out did not change the place his mind is still at. And not trying to understand or begin implementing tools he's given in AA is keeping him in that same state of mind. And worrying about him doesn't change a thing any more than screaming at him does except drain me more. Not worrying is hard for me so I'm trying to focus on other things. Hard but do -able. Not being pissed off is something I'm getting better at. Worrying and being pissed off (which I did for a little while went he started drinking last week) didn't do a thing - like I said, he's on the 8th day of this binge. So about all I can do is find something else to do for my own self. Something that'll make me feel better. I'll have to leave his getting help up to him. Surely he knows his drinking is a problem but at this time he's choosing booze and it'll stay that way till he fully admits he needs help and seriously does something about it. He's called a couple of times in the past day, so slobbering drunk, he probably didn't know he was on the phone. Basically all he did was breathe into the phone cuz he was too drunk to talk. I think I'll keep out of the way. In fact, I'm going shopping now and later my daughter and I are going for a manicure............jaja
I think that being nice and making up has worked for them in the past. I know it has worked on me many times until I just didn't do that dance anymore. It's funny how scared they get when they realize that all their old tricks aren't working anymore. I have been separated for 5 months now almost 6 (WOW has it really been that long?) and I have found that the more I do things because I want to and not because I feel like I have to, the happier I am.
