The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband went out drinking with his friend and left me alone. We had a long talk and he is threatening to leave me and divorce me unless I found a new house for us to live in by January 3rd. Im so sick of this rollercoaster of blaming and threats. I am thinking of packing up all of HIS stuff and throwing it outside on the porch and basically making him leave and never come back to my house again. He has completely withdrawn from our relationship, from me, and from the responsibilities of our marriage. Im sitting here wondering what the hell I should do. We have two beautiful dogs. There is an alanon meeting in my city, but I always think of an excuse not to go. I dont have a sponser and dont know how to get one. I feel so hurt, alone, and confused.
My husband hit his sister in the face around this time last year. Then, he spent the last six months not talking to her. She finally talked to him and he NEVER appologized. The family has basically let it be this way and accepted that he never appologized.
He also Almost hit one of his aunts, but someone held on to him. So, I think I might be the next person on the list. Im really worried and scared.
Does anyone know how I would get an on-line sponser?
I cant get these on-line meetings to work for me on my computer!! AHAHHAHAH I feel helpless.
Firstly, I'm so glad you found us!! Welcome. You aren't alone anymore. Secondly, if you do fear your husband, take whatever action is needed to protect yourself. When we are in abusive stiuations or there is potential, we always have a plan for escape. A small bagged packed (in the trunk), and at the least an extra set of keys, a cell phone and a friend to stay with or enough money for a night in a motel.
I truly do hope you find it in you to attend a meeting. It sure is better then sitting home. You will be welcomed with open arms. I "used" to say my husband left me alone too. The reality is, I chose to sit home alone. No one made me. Once I got in to Alanon I learned I had choices. So I chose to find things to do instead. In Alanon I made friends, went out for coffee after the meetngs and learned to laugh again. I strted calling friends I hadn't seen in a while and asking them if they'd like to have lunch/dinner. I did things I didn't normally do, like go to the movies alone, the zoo etc. About finding a sponsor...After you attend several meetings you will probably come to know someone that seems to have what you want, serenity, strength, happiness. IMO, It should be someone that has done the 12 steps. You do not need an immediate sponsor. Take your time and observe.
You might try checking to see if you have Java, or it may need updating to get in the chatroom. Keep posting here too. Sooner or later someone always responds.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Welcome to MIP. I had to add my two cents to your comment that "I think I might be the next person on the list. Im really worried and scared. " One of the strangest effects of this family disease on me that I can see now, but couldn't before... is my inability to trust my own opinions in the face of what was going on around me.
My AW has hit me before. Just like the disease.... it is progressive. Made her feel like crap the first time she did it. After the 5th or 6th time she attempted to knock my head off I noticed that she fully believed I had it coming.
As Christi said... you have options. Please take care of yourself.
Again welcome, you are in good company here.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
You aren't alone anymore. THat is the best feeling in the world. You will be taken care of here. Check that your Java is up to date, that is all it takes to get into the room. Once you are there we can help you sign in and so on and so forth.
Like the others (((((hugs))))) welcome to the place that can help restore some sanity.
Your post hits home with me in a few ways. Early on, I saw my wife hit other people; if I was not so bogged done in insanity, I probably would've seen what was coming. Fast forward, then it was my turn. Punched, kicked, scratched, kneed, choked -- and I was still insane enough to think my love would change this behavior. It took me 2 stints of her being in jail for domestic violence to open my eyes to the insanity. I thank my Higher Power and these fine people in Al-anon for restoring me to a path of Progress, where I know I am worth happiness, love, and simple kindness.
one question for you
When is it time to start a new path? with or without the Alcoholic in your life.
the steps, the literature, the ESH (experience, strength and hope) have taught me tools -- like setting boundaries -- i will not have the constant drama, the constant chaos, the bad conduct; that is a dagger in the heart of me trying to be healthy and happy.
however bleak the prospect, we've all had to start doing things for ourselves -- mainly, loving ourselves enough to keep our environment serene, and not let ANYONE take that away. that environment is OURS. we CHOOSE. we CHOOSE to not let another person have power over our feelings and emotions. we CHOOSE not to let another person violate the sanctity of our being. we CHOOSE.
for some of us, that meant LETTING GO of the people we love. for others, that self-care has brought a dignity and happiness back into a relationship with an addict. it is about US, having the courage to change - to do it for us, no matter how our story unfolds. all those wacked feelings - rage, sadness, confusion, exasperation, hopelessness, frustration - all that big bag of SHIT, WE CAN let go of that. i did. it felt good not to carry it around with me. it was staining my clothes... and smelled bad, too.
we say, take care of yourself. if you don't, who do you think is going to? not the old reliable alcoholic, that's for sure. the answer is YOU. YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU. You are WORTH IT. I know you are -- and i'm not just saying it because you chose the name of my favorite song from The Penguins -- You are worth it.
lots of love cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Glad you are here. I too would encourage you to try a f2f meeting. For all of us who went to our first meetings we were scared and anxious. But, know that the people you will meet will understand and offer support. It always amazes me how much better I feel after a meeting. I also read alanon literature everyday. This too helps me when I'm going through a rough situation. As Cj said..you are worth it. Life can get better as you get better. The tools of the program help us live our lives not just exist. Take care of you and know there are people out there who do care. Prayers for you as you go through this rough time.
Thank you for all of your support and help. I really appreciate it. I really want to go to the next meeting and get as much literature as I can.
I woke up feeling really lost and confused and watching my A sleep. He got in at 6am and I locked the door shut so he couldnt get in. Then he tried to break the door down. THen I finally opened it. It was hell.
I want to get my own friends, my own support system and start healing myself. I am ready to learn how to detach.
find that meeting quick , this crap only gets worse ,never better. You need support from people who can pick up a phone or meet you for coffee on a bad day . You can leave this relationship but u will take all th is stuff with you , take care of your stuff by getting to meetings u do it for yourself . that way u can make an informed decission in a few months with out all the emotions your feeling right now . Louise
Please, please, listen to what others here are saying.
This man is dangerousand you need to get help right away. Go to an Al-Anon or AA meeting today. Go to a Woman's Domestic Violence center tomorrow. That doesn't mean you have to go into their shelter but that you would have a place lined up to go to unless you have another safe place to go. You would also get some good therapy and a safety plan.
I used to keep my car keys pinned to my bra, my bag of important papers was packed, along with some cash, my own credit card, and personal needs.
You're in my prayers. ((((((many hugs)))))))
I'm sorry if I'm violating here - I know we're not supposed to tell someone else what to do, but I see this more as an emergency instead of someone just needing a sponsor and some meetings. I wouldn't sleep tonight if I didn't post this. You are loved.
