For the last year the wall I've had with the a has been grief, anger and surliness.  Admittedly much of that was genuine.  I had tremendous feelings of grief anger and sheer frustration with him.  Right now I am trying to erect a wall of pleasant. I am trying to be as pleasant as possible in being cooperative with him. I have to stay (whether I want to or not) to arrange several issues for the next few months.  I'm closer to plan b but not "there" yet.  I keep working on what I can do each month. So far this month which started out awful has been better.

I didn't have the capability to erect a wall of pleasant before.  I had only anger and rage.  Now I have detached more I can be pleasant.  Of course that means I don't disclose to him my own feelings of being frustrated and angry with him.  He is a great projector he projects all his feelings out. At the same time because of his liver treatment he has not been drinking and in some ways his thinking is clearer.  Needless to say there is much up for him including lots of feelings about his mother.  I've stopped trying to control his process (how terrible I feel knowing how much I wanted to control his relationship with his mother mainly for my benefit -  I just dislike being around her). 
Detachment has afforded me the opportunity to strategize.  While I need to hold onto my anger as a motivator when I'm overwhelmed my relation with the A is difficult. When I'm in control its easier. 

I also have other struggles in my life.  I am in a job that is difficult.  It is better paid and the hours are wierd but there are many many many tensions in the group.  I need to stay here for a while.  I don't have it at the moment to look for anything else. I looked for a long long time.  Looking requires energy I am trying to direct into my plan b(no wonder I was always exhausted before I had no ability to focus either).  When I allow the A's chaos to invade every aspect of my life, my work life really suffers.  I also go into over eating and more.  I then go into victim mode, martyr mode and I am not that attractive or nice to be around.  I am one resentful sulking monster.

So right now I am erecting a wall of pleasant around him. I find it difficult but the more calm I am the less he can act out around me (I don't hold out hope he is not going to act out of course).

I feel more resilient and confident because I'm beginning to be able to strategize rather than just "hang on".

Maresie.