The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Part of what got me to Alanon was my daughter's depression and eating disorder at 8 years old. My life was spinning out of control between my A, his A parents, brand new baby, and a deeply disturbed step child. Finding out about the eating disorder was no easy task. The school had been aware of her vomiting at school for a couple of months. She even was sent to the school counselor, who sent home a permission slip for counseling. A slip I didn’t find until it was weeks old. The down hill spiral had begun.
By the time I came to Alanon, I was in a place in my mind I had never been before. I was so insane with worry and was ready to flat out give up. Leave the A and his son behind, commit daughter, and take two kids to my mom’s and crawl into a hole myself.
Instead, I came to alanon on my knees. I was ready to do anything I was told to do in order to relieve this pain I was in. One of the best things I learned right of was put one foot infront of the other and take the next right step.
So, I did. I took the 8yr old to her pediatrician, dentist, nutritionist, counselors dealing only with adolescent eating disorders. I took her to get her hair done the way she liked it. Bought clothes that were hip and what she liked and was comfortable in.
We finally ended up taking her to the therapist my step son was seeing. She began to treat the depression and told me that is what we needed to do. If we treat the eating disorder…then, we would be putting the idea back into her head. She was put on low dose meds.
After a period of time, she became very happy, comfortable in her own skin, and gained about 30 pounds. She looked and felt great. (She is 10 now) We had an appointment with her Dr. 2 months ago and he asked if I felt her dosage was working with the weight gain. I told him then, it seemed to be. We had not had any problems that couldn’t be dealt with. So, we kept the dosage the same.
A few weeks before Xmas, she started becoming increasingly irritable, becoming more and more depressed by day, and started making reference that her stomach was bothering her. All along while hording food and gorging. Which she had been doing for a couple of months. I was glad she was eating.
I used to keep nothing but health food for snack, so I brought in more junk to sway her into eating more. The junk stayed around. Once I noticed she was eating more junk and quit eating at dinner. I told her she would not be able to have her after school snack if she was not eating her dinner. She missing too many vitamins that her body needed to grow.
So, she too that and ran with it. Told my bf that I told her she needed to quit eating junk because she is getting fat. He came to me with this very upset at me. I told him what I told her.
Earlier this week I think she has started the vomiting again. Atleast, she was making more references about her stomach hurting again. I was beginning to feel like the depression for her was real, but she was yanking my chain at some levels.
Yesterday, I had my 1st day back to school and the kids went to the afterschool program. I was signing the kids out for the day when the teacher was telling my daughter’s stomach was hurting really bad and that she walked her to the bathroom because she had to throw up. She told me it was after her snack. I explained a little bit of what I felt was going on and could they keep and eye on her when she was there and let me know what they see. They seemed as though they just couldn’t believe it. I pointed over to where my daughter was playing basketball alone and jumping and running around. I asked, “Do you think her stomach was hurting so bad that she could still play basketball?” The light came on for all of us.
A few days ago, I had her appointment moved up from the end of Feb to next week. She will go to counseling tomorrow evening. I am CERTAIN this is a chemical imbalance and the meds just need to be adjusting. Nothing has changed at home or at school and she is getting worse by day.
Last night, I took the kids to the store. I was tired and going through a huge range of emotions. I kept telling myself, she wouldn’t be doing this if she couldn’t help it. Treat it the same way I treat the A’s in my life. Just love her and have compassion for her, give her the support she needs to get through this.
Then, I think of the eggshells we all are having to walk on. Then, I noticed how she is behaving with her brother and sister. Very mean and aggressive and my understanding and compassion was going out the window for her last night. If I said anything to her at the store last night she would mouth of to me….which isn’t her…her, it was her illness.
I practiced patience as much as possible. When she would act an unacceptable manner I wouldn’t let her get away with it. Which pissed her off even more. So, we are checking out, and there was a storm brewing in my something fierce and I knew I needed to get some distance from her even if it was for 15 minutes. She asked me for something and I told her no, she started mouthing off at me….and I yelled…in the middle of Wal-mart, “THE ANSWER WAS NO- THE ANSWER IS STILL NO BECAUSE I AM THE MOM”. I wanted to punch her so bad. I have never wanted to punch anyone! Wanted to slap…never felt like I wanted to punch.
We went home and I was dreading the now nightly dinner routine. If only I could just go hide while she went through the nightly drama at the dinner table. Picking at the food, snapping at everyone, and her ending up stomping off like we were the bad guys.
We got to the house the same time my bf did from work. He knew something was wrong with me, He took me in the bedroom and I got it all out. I told him I even felt like hitting her and he told me that was normal feeling. Those feelings happen. He reassured me this would pass. Things were in motion to get her help. I asked if he would go and speak with her therapist about what he sees with her…he said anything he could do, he would. I felt so much better after getting it out.
I made dinner, stayed in the room and she ate it all. When I was distracted she snuck off to the bathroom. In that moment, I had to accept that was what was happening once again.
Today, I am praying for her. I am praying for all of us. I love her so much and hate to see her in pain and so uncomfortable. I wish I had a magic wand but, I truly am powerless over the situation. So, today…I will focus on being loving toward her. I will not walk on eggshells today. I will hold my ground and love her just the same. I will keep the focus only one today and today only. I will take her for the haircut I told her I was taking her to get today. I will make my meeting this evening. I will talk to my sponsor, and to God. If that is all I can do today…then that is okay.
I am so sorry that you are going through such a rough time with your daughter.
Know that you are really doing all you can to help her. I had a troublesome child too at that age. We did everything possible to help him and then just kept our fingers crossed that he would not end up in jail or something. Thank God, he didn't and is about to turn 31 years old next month. He has been married for 4 years and is in the Navy. I do still see signs of his anxieties and his negative interaction with alcohol though. I will not call him an A yet but the signs are there of a binge drinker.
Course we know we need to call our HP instead, but it sure is tempting to just throw in the towel sometimes.
My 13 year old just told his PO a couple of days ago that he is still smoking pot... so now we go through more assessment, etc.... you know the drill.
How special it is that we have this place as well as the rooms of Al-Anon to remind us that we are never truly alone in having to face these situations and make decisions as best we can.
I truly believe that we can truly only help these kids see that there is alot of help as they are ready to receive it. My best screaming acts and feeling defeated only makes the whole situation crazier. But sometimes those are the moments that give us the signal to keep taking care of ourselves so we can help those we love.
You have my heart and hugs in this.... try to keep your toolbox full!
we need to bring the focus back to ourselves, like you said. it is our emotions that we deal with - regardless of who pisses us off. hon, i know this is not what you want for your daughter, but she, too, has to learn. that usually requires her making mistakes, being a jerk, hitting a bottom (or coming to a realization); that's when people change. just like us. we need to change too. we alanonics have a very hard time with things like: control, controlling, controllers, letting go, faith in HP, people pleasing, giving too much of ourselves, codependency..... list could go on and on -- not all of which are bad traits, but possibly, we do them to the detriment of our sanity/serenity. perhaps some self-care is in order... hot bath, hot tea, massage, night out with bf, night out with alanon meeting... ;)
much love and prayers, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
When I asked my sponsor now if she would sponsor me. She asked me what were my weaknesses......that was easy. My children, my mother, and my sister. I have a hard time seperating the emotional part. Especially with my children. It takes a constant reminder for me to remind myself to use the same steps with those kids...that I do my A.
I have been told recently that I seem to be emotionless. It wasn't spoken in hast, it was another person observation. I was talking to my sponsor about it and she said, she doesn't consider me emotionless at all....serene, happy, joyus, and free most of the time. With my friends, bf, dad, the A's...things just roll off and I can use the tool of my program. I make a choice to let things bother me. My mom, sister, and kids....Grrrrr.....that one gets me a lot of times. Not always. It is okay, I get reminded that I am human, I get reminded that I need to work that program of mine, I get to feel.
Most all of the time, I generally pretty laid back. The other day at Wal-mart, was not a person I was familiar with. Hostile and potentially violent. I spoke with a couple of people yesterday about the Wal-mart event. No one could picture me having my 3 yr old fit. Hey, I am human. Stuff happens.
I went to a meeting last night. It was great. I took the kids with me. There were 3 others from another group that came to visit. It was a great meeting. The was a lot of love in that room, and a lot of wisdom not just from our black belts that came to visit, but from our regulars.
We shared about crisis. In the page of Courage to Change yesterday was a huge slap in the face for me....."Crisis doesn't happen...I create it." The whole page was what I needed to read. It was an eye opener.
I spoke with the school and set up a conference with the teacher for Tuesday. I feel they need a heads up, and to get information from them about what they may have been seeing so it can be taken to the right people.
I feel good today. I am one cup into my pot of coffee and my brain is starting to fire for the day. God is with me. My plan for the day....is to haul the water. Not make the water, drink the water, but just haul it and do his will today.
I am praying for you and your family! It is so hard to watch our children doing things that are so hurtful to themselves. You are right, only your HP can take care of it! You just keep putting that foot in front of the other with your next right step! I hope that all works out well with the counselors and medications and teachers, etc.!
Ziggy: I grew up with a younger sister who had a profound eating disorder. I stayed at her house a few years ago. She ate nothing the whole time I was there. She is also an alcoholic. In the last few years I have found it nearly impossible to deal with her. Needless to say I have beaten myself up about it a lot. Now after your post I can be kinder to myself. I am so so glad for you that you have al anon.
...I am so happy we all have Al-anon as well. My prayers go to you Maresie for you and all concerned with your sister.
Snow storm came in and was not able to get daughter to therapy. Next Friday is her appointment with Dr. to get the meds adjusted. I think it will take a few weeks to level out as far as the meds. In the mean time....I am supporting her, reassuring her at every turn how much I love her. I can't stop her from that bathroom. I can't. I want to break the door down and shake this right out of her. I can't. God can though. She will go to any length to do what she feels she has to do. No matter how hard I try to stop her, she will find a way to do it. I need to get my hands off of it completely, so that my God's hand can get in there and do what he needs to be done.
I have had so many God moments today.....I am just so grateful. Not just with her, but with my other children, other people, and other things. After my meeting tonight, here is my feeling. My God moments today have been very clear each time. There was just no other way for me to look at them. One thing that keeps running through my mind in the grand scheme of things that has happened.....is get the focus on something else for a while. Even if it was just 10 minutes. It just keep on saving me today. I had answers to a few questions that were very clear. I am came with this understanding that everything will be okay.
Last but not least....sharing what it is I am going through with another has been too cool. The relief I had midway through the conversation....just in getting it out of my system. The other person had huge problems too. No matter the problem, each of us handle these in different ways. No one's problem out weight's another's....no matter how big or small. Sometimes our problems are as much as we can handle at that moment.
So, I just ate my dinner while posting this. I am hitting that bubble bath for me (thank you cj), candles may even be included. bf was not feeling well...he is off to bed....so, I am guessing....if I smear peanut butter all over my toes....I can get a foot massage from the dog. Something worth looking into. A theory, I must try out.
