The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sometimes I feel like all I do is add drama to the board. All of us, I feel have enough drama in our lives. You don't need mine to add to it. Other times, I feel like if I don't say anything, I'm going to explode. I mean, it meant alot to me when people were authentic in their recovery: however heartaching, heartwrenching, hilarious or "How in God's name...", it always meant alot that someone took the time to be real with me. Perhaps I'm blogging on a message board?
Anyway, so Mumsy dearest is coming to town in two weeks. Notice how thrilled I am. I've been working so so hard in counceling, here with you, with my sponsor, on truly living out what I've learned (and I'm proud of myself besides!). That I am a worthwile, worthy, loving person took me a long, long, long, long time to understand. And lets not talk about believe! But as soon as my mom emails, calls, or, God help me, blows into town, I feel like I'm under seige. Of course she notices I've changed--that I signed the paper work for my first apartment wasn't her first red flag. But that I haven't backed down and done the "YesmommyWhateverYouSaymommyILoveYoumommyPleasedon'tkillmemommy" routine is by God's sheer grace, and your support.
This is why I said I feel like I add to the drama of the message board. Most of you know this isn't her first visit, her first phone call, or her first stab at my self esteem. But, this is the first time, really, I've stood my own: the past 3 days, she's called 3 or so times times (I've answered once, and insisted that we were going to talk like adults; throughout the whole conversation she said I was behaving like my father, treating her like my father, and she didn't need me in her life; after I hung up, I proceeded to cry my eyes out for the next 3 hours ) I lean on you guys to get me through the ups and downs of my family life; I need you guys to remind me that I'm not the incapable that my parents told me I was. But at the same time, it's like I tell new comers: if you don't ask for help, I don't know you need it; how can I expect you to be with me in the ups and downs, if I don't tell you "BTW, y'all, my life sucks again, I need to be reminded, this too shall pass!"
Mom is coming in 2 weeks, no ifs ands or buts. I've told her "Mom, when the time gets closer to your visit, I will have my work scedule, a better idea of what my school plans are, and what, if anything, I can do to accomidate you." But every time I stand my ground, I feel like it takes every last piece of energy that I have. I know from what I've read that alot of us here when we start new behaviors talk about how "unnatural it is;" and how when it's someone we love so much, it just sucks our energy right out. That's where I'm at.
No expectations as to replies I suppose. And I hate to take up your time. Of course my ego's saying "well there went your fan club, grass hopper." Fan club, recovery...fan club, recovery....hmmm
Parents are tough!! I try to sensor mine and my inlaws but they always find a way of messing with ya!! I know my husband took a hard hit the night before Christmas eve....his mom an alcoholic was drinking and drunk dialed him....her favorite drunkin past time and yelled at him and told him HOW wothless he is and how her life would have been so much better without and how she wished she NEVER had him!!!! I mean we almost did not go!! Basically if it went for the fact that the grandparents give $$ for gifts and if your NOT there you DONT get it I dont think we would have gone!! I think part of my husbands problem stems from hers!! But I can relate to the utter dread of dealing with the parents!!!! I gues sif you REALLY wanted to be a you know what....the next time she tells you your worthless and you know whated up, tell her she must be TOO, after all she DID raise you!!!! You could also....big gulp....tell her NO that she is not welcome right now, that you need some space and are not ready to deal with her and her problems!! Honesty is the best!! We gernerally dont answer the phones when our parents call, we screen them....we listen to there tone and how they talk and then figure if we feel like a world of crap at that moment b4 we call back!! As sad as it seems I think that is the only way to deal with the insanity of it all!! You have to do for you!! Your mom is an adult she needs to deal with herself....NOT you!! Hope this helps and does not seem harsh, but you need to be real to you!! What do you want???? I dont know your WHOLE situation but that is my advice and in site!! Hope something helps comfort you!! People who have hurt me....my father for one, yeah I still keep in touch but I keep them at a VERY safe distance....so they cant hurt me anymore!! As sad as it may be, maybe for now you need to move that line a tad further away from you, in order to protect yourself from her wrath!!!! ((((hugs)))) try to hang in there and just remember there is a reason for everything GOOD or BAD!!!! You may not see it NOW, but there is a reason!! :)
Yes. TIG....you said it. "This too shall pass. " just remember to "breathe." lol. (((((Tiger)))) keep a song in your heart.
i've seen so much growth in you just in this last year and your posts let it shine through like the sun! i believe your a wonderful .... a very special.... loving ....and.... a very caring person. so glad to know You. (drama and all...lol)
Lots of love ((and heartfelt thoughts)) and prayers ~ that your moms visit will all go over without a blowout.
Mummsy is coming in 2 weeks.. yea.. and the fear and anxiety is eating at ya.. yea. Is she going to stay with you? Is her being there going to affect your serenity, or ability to use the tools keep your mind? Those are the questions I asked myself when my MIL had started planning a trip. As she is the chief enabler and most affected (now, she took the crown back from me after I started program), I realized I had dreaded the prospect of a visit. The trip was cancelled (to relief of my sanity/serenity), but it was still within my right to ask her to stay at a nearby hotel. That may not be right for your situation, but possibly there are choices in how much of yourself will get involved and the risks associated. I hold my now undramatic, quite predictable existance in high regard. (((Tig))) You are making some awesome progress that is very inspiring to me - you have my prayers that you continue and keep doing the best for you.
much love, cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I really don't even talk to my dad, much less see him. I don't think you HAVE to do anything you don't want to do or that causes you so much stress!!!! Sorry mom, I'm busy with work and school, don't have time to visit...
I have not seen or heard from my family of origin this past year. I did not see or hear from them for 15 years. 15 years when I had intense therapy and still when I re connected with them lots of stuff came up.
I think maybe you are setting yourself up. I don't think you have to be "over" dealing with your mother. You don't have to be perfect at it. I would have really lots of issues if I dealt with my sisters again or even any removed member of the family.
This past weekend I dealt with the a's mother. For me there were still limits that did not go in there. But overall I did very very well.
Can you just allow yourself to do well and deal with what comes up. I know you can come here and vent. Do you have people to call? Do you have 'outs". I know for me even this weekend knowing I had people I could go to afterwards was so so key. I did of course I went and vented and that really helped.
Notice how thrilled I am. I've been working so so hard in counceling, here with you, with my sponsor, on truly living out what I've learned (and I'm proud of myself besides!). That I am a worthwile, worthy, loving person took me a long, long, long, long time to understand. And lets not talk about believe! But as soon as my mom emails, calls, or, God help me, blows into town, I feel like I'm under seige. Of course she notices I've changed--that I signed the paper work for my first apartment wasn't her first red flag. But that I haven't backed down and done the "YesmommyWhateverYouSaymommyILoveYoumommyPleasedon'tkillmemommy" routine is by God's sheer grace, and your support. 
; throughout the whole conversation she said I was behaving like my father, treating her like my father, and she didn't need me in her life
; after I hung up, I proceeded to cry my eyes out for the next 3 hours 
) I lean on you guys to get me through the ups and downs of my family life; I need you guys to remind me that I'm not the incapable 
that my parents told me I was. But at the same time, it's like I tell new comers: if you don't ask for help, I don't know you need it; how can I expect you to be with me in the ups and downs, if I don't tell you "BTW, y'all, my life sucks again, I need to be reminded, this too shall pass!" 
Fan club, recovery...fan club, recovery....hmmm
i believe your a wonderful .... a very special.... loving ....and.... 
a very caring person. so glad to know You. (drama and all...lol) 
thoughts)) and prayers ~ that your moms visit will all go over without a blowout. 
