The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have felt very controlling the last couple of days. I want the people in my life to make the decisions that I want for them. I want to control how they spend their money and what they do with their day.
It is very hard to take care of me when I am still trying to control issues that are not mine to control. I still feel, at times, that I want to keep my son from suffering consequences from poor decisions he makes. Be it money...job...his children or anything in his life. Things actually seem to be going along pretty smoothly with him right now. I don't know what is going on with me that I need to focus on him. Maybe it is because I really don't want to focus on me. There is way too much to fix with me that I just feel out of control so I try to fix someone else. Does that make sense to anyone or am I just rambling?
Today I need to keep the focus on me. I need to live and let live. I need to let go and let God.
Makes total sense to me. For me when things are calm, and there is nothing requiring my mental muscle, lol, I tend to get bored.....and shoot no, I don't want to work on myself, so if I'm not careful I will get involved with things that are not mine to mess with.
It's great that you recognize this and are questioning your motives. Really this is no different than obsessing about something the active A is doing. (the worry of what they'll do etc.) Only today your A has some sobriety under his belt and a little balance in his life so you don't have that excuse to lean back on that is so easy to use -- he can't/won't do it, so I'll help.
It's tough getting past that feeling of not wanting to work on yourself, I really understand that. What helped me was keeping the Just for Today bookmark close by. I'd read it everyday and I really applied the "do two things you don't want to do, just for exercise" part. If I didn't want to work on myself, then I worked on something. It helps get my mind off the A, whether there is a crisis going on or my mind is just bored and drifting into someone elses life. There is a part on that bookmark about reading something that required mental effort, and doing a kindness for another without getting "found out" -- to do either of these things requires a good bit of focus which will keep you out of your A's business. Plus doing something for someone else is a lot of fun. Really don't want to be found out? then do something for someone you really don't know or better yet, someone who gets on your nerves LOL.
I love that little bookmark, if you don't have one I'll PM you what is on it. What I've found is that after my focus gets back on track I end up feeling better and it's not so hard to look at myself and what I need to work on in me. Another thing is that I feel good about some of the stuff I've already done.
Please take what you like and leave the rest. (((((Lots of hugs to you)))))
Makes a lot of sense to me! I can relate, as I have a 19 yr old daughter, and I find myself trying to add worries about her over which I have no control. I worry that her car will slip on the black ice that we had yesterday and today, like she doesn't know how to drive. Yesterday she asked me if we had oil for her car, it was showing "check oil". I went to dollar general store up the road and got a few quarts, had her follow me, showed her how to put it in, and asked her how long it was showing to check the oil. She said for about 2 weeks! I told her that she needs to do something when it first comes on, then I started worrying about what if it would have caused a problem while she was driving 40 minutes to college.
I sometimes imagine that bad things could happen to her, but I have been telling myself lately that I have no control over it. Duh!
I think that we are so used to focusing on everyone else's problems/situations/what-if's that we have a hard time focusing on OUR own well-being. I know this is true for me! But with my HP and Alanon, I'm trying to change that.
I think you are doing so great to keep being aware of your controlling tendencies! That is the key, to realize when you are tending to be that way!! So we can correct it, and try to mind our own business. Really really hard, but essential for us.
Worrying and trying to control are very real traits, and since being in Alanon, I think we (or at least me) go up and down with this behavior.... I have to remember to try to recognize it, and then try to let whatever the worry or control issue go to HP.
I think you are wonderful, and posting about it helps too!!
