The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Afew months ago my A was in aa meetings and it was working great for him for a little while, then my brothers bucks night came up, and it was the best reason my A could think of to have a drink.
So the next day, he told me he didnt think he had a problem, and would wish i would lighten up a little, and let him make a mature decision for himself, coz if he could do that, he would only drink 2 nights a week because its HIS choice.
Now, i know all about the bargaining, but i also know that if i said no to him, he would drink anyway. So we made a deal that if it happened more than 2 nights a week, we would renegotiate.
No surprises here.... his 2 nights a week were 2 nights a week( for only 3 weeks out of the past 4 months.) Everyother week, there was always a good reason why he needed to drink 4 or 5 nights. So after afew months of this, i told him it was time to renegotiate.
His choice was to sober up or move out. So he's gone, yet again! he's been gone 4 weeks.
He keeps telling me how good we are together and how if i'd only lighten up, things would be fine. And if i let him drink 2 nights a week it would be fine coz its only going to be 2 nights a week. Call me STUPID, but i think i've heard that before. How is it possoble that he cant see he is asking for the same thing that just backfired on us???
Its extremely frustrating that he has the power to make us work. The only power i have is to leave and make a hapy life for myself without him.
I just wish he could see that we have tried it his way and it didnt work!!!!!!!!!!
Im going INSANE. Im not equipped to deal with this sort of stuff.
You're being hard on yourself I think. I absolutely understand though, having done the same myself. I thought I was going insane living with myA, and he also did his best to convince me of this.
I think you know that the bargaining with the A as to the amount / days he drinks is a futile task. Its exhausting and draining on you, and won't get you very far. In my experience, I believe he will do exactly as he pleases regardless of what I say or do. That is part of the grip of the addiction. It has huge power over him....but you know this already.
I don't agree he has the power to make your relationship work. He is behaving under the control of a powerful addiction.
And even when you do as he wants, is that really your relationship working? These were the tough questions I had to ask myself. I know they were painful to look at, but necessary as well.
And you are right when you say that the only power you have is to create a happy life for yourself. You do have the choice to do that.
I had to stand well back from him and his choices to be able to see how effected I had become myself. then I had to deal with that. There were difficult choices to make, but I am glad I made them. I learned to hand much over to my HP, it was too much for me.
I hope you make the choices that are right for you.
What Annmarie has to say has a lot of wisdom. I'd like to add that some times what we "know" has to move from our head down to our heart to really understand. What I read in your post is if "he'd just listen to me, do what I wanted, act right" then our relationship would be okay. There really isn't any guarantee of that.
You have more choices than you think. They are yours to make, only you can decide. One is learning how to detach from his drinking and stay in the relationship. Another is to move on without him. I will tell you that ultamatiums don't usually work with the A, their adiction is running the show so it wins.
I can only imagine how frustrated you are, thinking that he was so close to finding sobriety. Then to have it go back to the way it was. One thing you said in your post was that you knew that it wouldn't stay at just 2 nights a week, but were willing to negotiate. I think you were setting yourself up because you knew he couldn't maintain that promise. There might have been a part of you that hoped that he really could, that maybe he really isn't an A and could control it. I've been down that road. I had to look at my acceptance that this is a disease. It has NOTHING to do with me, that is one reason why I can't control it.
Sure your A is going to say if you'd quit nagging all would be well, and your saying if he'd just quit drinking I'd quit nagging and all would be well. If you look at the Alanon program and ask what does it say, you'll find it says that "Changed attitudes can aid in recover." Can you expect the A to change? no, you can't expect him to change (he might, just can't expect it) So who does that leave the changing too? I remember thinking Heck, why should I change, crap -- he's the one with the problem. Well, Alanon tells me that If I work this program, that I can have serenity whether the Alcoholic is drinking or not. I wanted that, I needed that, I could no longer live with the insanity -- to my suprise, I had a choice in it. I'd given my A control over my peace and happiness without even realizing it. You can have serenity -- whether he is drinking or not. You can, it's a choice.
I do realize that it's not easy, reads easy but it is hard to apply. You have many choices to make, what do you want? (right about now, I'd have been saying for him to get sober and stay that way LOL, -- remember Changed attitudes can aid in recovery, yours and his.)
Sounds like you are doing the next right thing. You told him to stop or leave. He chose to leave. You know inside you what the next right thing to do is, you know you can't control it. It's just a matter of how much YOU are willing to accept. Work on being happy without him now that he's not there. He's not gonna quit till he's ready and you'll never REALLY know when that is for real!
My husband tried the bargaining too. What I finally saw was..he wasn't bargaining to hang on to our relationship, he was bargaining to hang on to his disese.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I've certainly been there in feeling absolutely overwhelmed on the frustration issue. I have also been there with my own family issues which at times felt overwhelming to me. I think for me the frustration was often a screen for grief. I have been very very angry, sad and confused by the A's actions. The more I embrace that it is part of his substance abuse the less personally I take it. At the same time for me there is grief and feelings about his not being able to invest in health.
One thing that I have come up with that helps me is the paradox that this issue with the a has led me to work on my own issues. I had to be in a seriously dysfunctional relationship that almost killed me to begin to invest in myself. I had been to therapy before, been in some ways invested in myself but so many of my issues never got addressed till i got in this relationship. In time I hope to be able to see this relationship as a catalyst rather than a trap door.
