The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He started this past Friday late afternoon an hour after he told me he was feeling sick, couldn't eat dinner with me and daughter, and was going to go home to his place to lay down. And he said his phone wouldn't be on that night because it needed to be charged. By noon the next day I felt more sure that he picked up because he never called or came by in the morning as he usually does and never returned my calls. But there was just a little fear that he may have gotten as sick as he once was with stomach problems and may be too sick to get up. My daughter told me where he stayed ( he would not tell me where he was staying but I didn't know that daughter and others not only knew but had been there!) and we both went over to check. He wasn't there but we could see the bottle of vodka through the window and I knew then it was all over - another binge after all this time and the AA meetings....Maybe I shouldn't have gone back the next day, should've left it alone, but I did. If he was there I was going to ask what happened. I know what happened but I just felt like why?why?why?!! If he was alone and passed out on the floor or unconscious I would call for help. But when I went back, the door was open, the place had booze and beer all over and he clearly had others there at some point but no one was in. I went there again on Sunday. I was going for the same reason as before. Again he wasn't there, but a drinking buddy was there alone, sobered up. He told me my A had been taken to the hospital the day before from a bar where he and his buddies were drinking. He complained of chest pains (he always does on a binge so I wasn't concerned.). His friend gave me a run down of when they all started drinking and where they'd been. My A's wallet and keys were there - even when the place was left open -and I decided to take them. I thought at first I'd leave them and let him deal with the consequences but I didn't do that. It bothers me now that I took them but I didn't like thinking that anyone could just walk in there and take them. And my daughter was with me and was a little upset by what she saw and by my thinking I'd leave his valuables. I never should've gone there much less taken anything or even brought her with me....I never got a call from the hospital or him and really wasn't expecting one but I was actually relieved that he was in the hopsital. It could mean the binge was over. Too sick to keep drinking. NOT! He got out yesterday. I didn't know til he called me last night, beginning to drink again. Mad at me because I came to his place and just walked in when no one was there in (he does that here in this house!) and took his keys ( buddy told him I did). He said I was trying to control him again. I said I had no use for his keys and had no reason to keep them from him, I took them so no one else would. ( I could kick myself for taking the stupid keys!) I also told him that things had been going well with us for a while now, he'd been in AA, helping another addict,etc. and outta nowhere came this big bang - a binge! I couldn't live like this anymore. I got a little choked up which I didn't want to happen. I should not have even had a conversation with him in that state! I know better! And I end up being the bad guy cuz I took his keys??!!! LOL I know that he made a big deal out of keys because he was afraid I'd make a big deal about him drinking - "let me get pissed at HER first so she gets busy defending herself and can't get pissed at ME first". Then he called me this morning saying he was getting a ride over to get his keys after I went to work and would they be on the table? He didn't ASK if he could come over and take the keys when I'm not home! Now wasn't he just pissed at me for going in his place and taking keys? LOL....Crazy, alcohol talking. A friend ended up getting the keys from me and taking them over to my A. So I don't know when I'll see him again. I just wish I had minded my own business. I knew he was drinking and should've left it at that. I think he had this binge planned at least a few days before he did it. That explains why he said his phone would be off, charging ( he meant "I'll be drinking and won't be able to talk to you so don't call me") He also doesn't know that I know who he was with and where they went!. I think he's going to die from drinking.....jaja
I am reminded of one of my very favourite Al-Anon reminders....
"he is either gonna drink, or he won't...... what are YOU gonna do?"
Time to turn the focus back onto yourself, and your recovery. This stuff hurts, but the Three C's still stand, and you cannot "cause" him to get sober.... You can, however, do good things for yourself, so that you get yourself better. Take care of you.
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Sounds like quite a few days....... For me after such times, I needed space to regather myself.Put that attention back on my needs and soothe myself. Be gentle on myself. HALT.... Are you hungry? Are you angry? Are you lonely? Are you tired?
After those basic needs are met and you are feeling a little more peaceful...just like canadienguy mentioned....what are you going to do?
I just went through this myself. My AH relapsed and after 5yrs in Al-Anon I went right along with him. I was so angry with myself. After a few days I realized I was so angry because I thought I was doing well with detachment. HA! I'm doing better now but I wonder if I would be if he hadn't checked back into a treatment center. Who knows. It was a good reminder that I can't let up on my program and I am HUMAN. I'll be praying for you.
Thank you! Your response is helping me to get back on track! I'm having my moments right now but so glad that this time it isn't taking me as long as it used to! And I'm remembering that I'm not the one who caused it or who can cure it. I'm also realizing that somewhere in the back of my mind, I am controlling. I hadn't called him or gone to see him again but his out-of state- brother did. He got no answer so I'm sitting on my hands so I don't go check to see if he's lying along unconscious or even dead. That's really getting to me. What I did do was call him this morning to say I was sorry to see what happened to him and that I was concerned that he'd be very sick. That's all. It was too hard not to. Maybe I shouldn't have but I did. It's not going to do anything towards whether or not he continus his drinking or not. BUT I am paying attention to me, got a good night's sleep, and he's not continually on my mind! Thank you again!.....jaja
So sorry for this happening, to your AH and to you. Remember that in leaving him with his disease, you are doing the most kind thing for him. Letting him go, letting your obssessions go to HP, taking care of you, it all will help him and YOU! I used to worry worry worry so much, when will it all end, when will I have had enough? Should I take the keys, etc.? It is a horrible place to be in, full of fear, anxiety and sadness.
I found when these things happened, if I could get away and treat myself with kindness, surround myself with other people (preferably Alanons who know how you feel!) that was the best thing to do, definitely. Detach - even physically. HP has a plan and a time for what will happen, and we just don't have control at all. There is no control over when or where they will stop drinking. Let it go to HP, there is serenity for you and for your AH in this life.
