The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of the best things to me about having a program is that no matter what is going on in my life, good, bad, or just another day, I always have someone I can talk to about it. Not looking for advice, but someone who can listen, and more importantly so I can hear myself saying what is on my mind.
Often when I say something out loud, it loses its power to dominate my thoughts. A great many things can become thought monsters, but once let out, don't seem so big.
Maybe it's just a decision. I have always been impulsive. I have frequently made major life-changing decisions in an impulsive moment. Probably the first of these was when I bought my first "new" car and took on a car payment - which at the time was higher than my apartment rent! This had long term consequences for me financially... but at the same time, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. I didn't talk to anyone about this decision when I made it. I told my friends, who all said "go for it!" But I did no contemplation of how I would feel about the decision a week from now, much less a year from now. I just did what I wanted in that moment!
I have been working at the job I have now for going on 5 years. But it was first offered to me 4 years before that. I remember the first thing I did was talk to friends I had in the program, just so I could be sure I covered the bases and thought everything through. The impulsive me would have jumped on the first offer. Instead, I stayed in touch, instigated contract work, and kept in tune with my own situation and my present work. At some point, things came together but it literally took almost 4 years for it to happen. In the mean time I didn't starve. The old me always jumped first - the old me that believed that any opportunity that came my way was "the chance of a lifetime".
I recently was able to apply this to my sober A daughter. She called me with a dillema, and wanted my financial help. Rather than saying yes or no, I told her to think about it and call me back tomorrow, and come up with some alternatives. She called me back the next day - with a much better alternative which she did on her own and put into action. And right now, same daughter is in a job dillema! She has a good job, but has a very attractive offer in front of her. So she was able to talk to me about it, and rather than saying do this or do that, I could ask her for pros and cons for both. I don't know what her decision will be, but I do know she is the only one qualified to make it.
As are the things in my life - and I have made some very good decisions that went against what others were pushing for. In many ways, we are alone - always. We alone live in our heads with the knowledge and consequences of our choices. But if we get out of our heads and talk about it with someone who is non-judgemental, then we can look at our own ideas and choices in terms of choice and consequences, rather than impulse and reaction.
I like having people to talk to who are trying to follow the same ideas I am, careful and attentive listening along with sharing experience without the burden of being told what to do or feeling bad if I don't follow any particular person's advice. It's nice to know that people care enough to share, advice and understand that where ever I am in life is where I am supposed to be.
It's great to hear of examples like your's with your daughter, always reminds me how much it helps in my own life too.
Thank Hp, (God for me) for my Al-Anon phone list and a handful of true friends
Recalling times when I have been on the phone just sharing and sure enough hearing myself (repeating it out loud) the answer appears. All that other person did was give me the wonderful gift of listening
I also find when this happens my own doubts (second guessing) subside and I can hear myself as my own real true reinforcement. Love how this program works!
I thank you for this post, there is no way I would have been able to convey these thoughts into words.
I love to hear of members sharing their progress and what works for them. I am happy to hear how you can reflect on your positive choices of acting and not reacting in the moment.
I've definitely been the victim of impulse. I once helped out the A tremendously. I did not talk it over with anyone. I have paid for that for 5 years now. I am about to finish paying for it. The A does things on impulse all the time. Now he is talking about moving a few states away. There is no discussion he is just going to do it. These days I don't take it personally. For years I did.
I really do have to look at my impulses. I have left jobs and more on impulse and it has been disastorous for me. I think my worst impulse is of course to get tied up with addicts and alcoholics. I know now much of that was tied up in being incredibly lonely and angry and lost. I am no longer that. I think in time I will be able to live alone. I look forward to it. I know I will be lonely I also know I will have to deal with a great deal of issues.
