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Hi - I read and reply a lot, but don't start new threads often. This situation has me stumped, however. My AH went to rehab a year and a half ago. For a few months prior to going he turned yellow, his liver function tests were off the chart (in the 400's when they should be in the 40's), he was anemic due to malnutrition, and had renal failure due to dehydration (only drinking booze). He drank 24/7. He admitted he needed help and went to rehab. While he was in rehab I took care of our daughter, house, & business alone.
I was an emotional wreck and not in a program before, during and after his treatment (his treatment center basically left the family out in the cold). I turned to my best friend and my sil for support and poured out all of my fears, worries, resentments, etc to them. When he got home I didn't know how to act and felt awkward around him. He relapsed five days after he got home.
He holds so much resentment toward me for telling my friend and sil about what was going on with him. While he was in rehab they talked a bit about co-dependency, so now he likes to blame me for things that happened and cannot get over me "leaking" to my friends. He cannot seem to grasp what I was going through during that time and forgive me as I have forgiven him. The topic is so hot a year and a half later that he brings it up when he wants to start a fight. I am at my wits end. I have apologized to him over and over, but he is unwilling to forgive me or take personal inventory of himself. How should I handle this when he brings it up? It is very raw and painful to me that he cannot/will not at least consider how I was feeling during that time in our lives.
I can only tell you that I have been in a situation similar to yours and share what helped me.
I too had to take care of our 4 kids and everything else while my AH took off to another state. I found out later that he has "hiding" from some of his drug buddies who he had ripped off. At that time I had no idea he was involved in anything like that.
I actually was able to handle things better when he wasn't there...guess I seemed to have more confidence in myself. Later when he came back, it was like my confidence in myself just vanished! Old habits I think.
Anyway, there were times that he would bring up things like that and after answering his questions and/or statements, I finally reached a point where I was able to say "Ya know, I have already responded to this several times; nothing has changed. What's done is done, and I will not discuss this any more with you." and I woud walk away. Actually my AH was simply using this information as a manipulation tactic to place the focus on me instead of himself. Master manipulators they are!!
I experienced situations along the same lines. After feeling alot of guilt and shame over my A's reaction to my sharing my situation with family and friends, I finally decided that I have a right to my support system. My family and friends along with Alanon and a therapist upon occasion are my support system.
I can understand the concern, shame etc my A may have felt around people I had shared with. I do my best to keep respect for him as a human being in place while not allowing myself to be isolated from the people in my support system.
I agree with Irish ... there comes a time when enough has been said on a subject and it should be over. One of our goals here is to let go of anger and resentment, that should be a two way street.
I agree with Jennifer and Irish. There is nothing you can do about the past--neither can he. You have apologized and now there is no use in discussing it anymore. I think he is just trying to make you feel guilty and take the focus off himself. He just wants someone to blame. So just try to remove yourself from the situation.
I also have had some experience in this area. As a codependent I was using "triangulation" all the time. I involved my family and my A's family in our problems and part of that was his drinking and the behaviors around the drinking. Every time my A did something hurtful I ran to my family for support, they became very hurt and angry towards my A. My A had a great deal of shame and guilt around them and still has difficulty being around them sometimes because of what they know. Once I found a sponser and began using my program and the people in the program I didn't feel the need to tell my family everything. I try to keep it light with them because they do not understand this disease or the behaviors that go along with it. I think if you've made your amends to your AH then you only need to make that amends one time. If he can't let it go that is his problem not yours. I think its totally appropriate to let him know that you have already discussed it and that you will not allow him to hurt you with that any longer, and walk out of the room.
Thanks for sharing.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I agree - you can say "I know how you feel about this, I have apologized, and I don't intend to talk about it anymore." He will be mad, but since the whole thing makes him mad anyway, it doesn't matter. Better to have him mad while you keep some self respect and walk away, than have him mad while you apologize yet again. He's using this to control you and keep you off balance - you don't have to play the game.
One of the things that strikes me outright is the delusion your A has that he was fooling anyone to begin with about the alcholism. There is a great deal of truth to the idea that alcholics are deceptive and manipulative; however, alcholics are not as keen as they think themselves. Truth be told, I have a feeling that more people knew aobut his drinking than he wants to believe. Furthermore, I think he's blaming you because he was so ashamed of how he lost control of his life and he still hasn't connected the dots that his life was well out of control before he was willing to stop lying to himself, and he had little, if any control, to begin with. It would be wise for him to look at this with his sponsor and for you to stay out of it.
OMG! can I relate. It's not exactly the same situation but it's the same tactics. It's called shifting the blame. Deflecting or projecting onto you all his crap. It's like don't look at ME, look at what YOU did. And you are falling for it by continually allowing him to punish you for your part in it. Okay, so you talked to family members, maybe not the wisest thing, but you apologized. Now he is rehashing the same point to punish you. There comes a point that you either continue to accept the punishment or let it go. How guilty can you feel?? To an A you'll never feel guilty enough, because they have to have something else shift the focus to. Trying to reason it out to him is useless, it's like trying to make any A "see" when they just can't.
Remember their thinking isn't right. Yours is, you have made your amends, it's time to move on from this one point even if he doesn't want to. If you continue to be "sorry" the subject will continue to come up. I agree with those above, my situation improved when I finally started saying, "we covered this" or "I'm not going there." and walked away. You've already picked up on the fact that he is using this one thing to start fights with you, why do you think that is?? It makes it easier to have an excuse to drink.
