The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
On Saturday night I went out with a girl friend and her boyfriend, to catch up and listen to some good live music. I had been waiting to hear from my A just before I left home to tell him that I was sorry for the way I had reacted to him that morning and that I wanted to give things a chance. I didn't hear from him so when it got to 11.30PM I sent him a text message from the bar I was at with friends saying I was out and sorry I wouldn't be able to talk to him until the morning but wanted to say I knew he was trying and I want to give things a chance.
The next morning I called him and what do I get: 'where were you who were you with what were you doing ...' I thought he'd be happy that I was sort of offering to make peace with him and all I got was it shoved in my face -he even went so far as to ask if I was drunk when I sent that message (knowing full well how I now feel about alcohol and so I don't drink), and even suggested maybe I was on a date that wasn't going well so wanted to try him. He dared to make out that maybe I was bitching about him with my girlfriend and sitting around laughing about him. Then kept saying she's a piece of **** and there for I must be 'nasty' too. Ugggh.
I was none too surprise and yet speechless. And anything I'd say he wouldn't accept and said I just sounded 'guilty or defensive' like I must be trying to hide something.
So what irony that after me not trusting him for so long, when things finally change he's treating me the same way.
He says what reason do I have to suddenly turn around and want to give him a chance and be nice to him again, but to make fun of him.
SIGHHHHHH... feeling sad, like gone back to square one. I was feeling so much stronger than ever not so long ago too. Feeling sad, bleak and blah. Hopefully will snap out of it by tommorow morning.
The program is progress .. not perfection. Always keep in mind the manipulation tactics used by both the A's and us Al-anons. lol That is a learned response that doesn't end so easily.
You're doing fine, and should not feel guilty for having a good time. Sometimes it helps to write your feelings down on paper .. then sometimes you can look back at it all from a different perspective.
Even though you reached out to him to try and make peace - you weren't home pineing over him waiting on baited breath for him to call you. In other words you were living your life. Nothing irritates an A more than knowing that we are capable of living our own lives without them being there. I have been on the receiving end of that more times than I care to be. But I also found that the more I did so things changed around my house. The less I focused on him he started to have to look at himself and he has found sobriety. It hasn't been easy. There are still issues but things are dramatically improved for the better.
The key is to not take what he says personally. I also found that not responding to the wild accusations was a key factor in changing things. He wanted confrontation and I refused to give it to him.
Keep taking care of you and living your life. If it is meant to work it will find its way. If it is not then you have found some new life skills.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
One of the things accomplished by doing what you did is keep your side of the street clean. You felt a need to apologize and did. His reaction was certainly less then gracious, but you still took the high road. That's what's important.
We can't control how others react but we can control ourselves. Keep up the good work!
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
What a frustrating situation....sorry it got you down. Sounds like you were taking care of you, feeling strong, feeling honest, acting hopefull. Time with friends....open communication...wanting to give another chance. Just remember where you were at emotionally when you reached out.....that seemed clear and good. His reaction was his reaction. You didn't cause it...can't cure it....I'm too new to remember the third C right now :)
Hope you are feeling better by now....sounds like you are doing well.
