The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just completed the exercise suggested by Tiger (in her response to Carolinagirl's post on detachment). I am not sure I did the exercise completely correctly as described, but I want to share what I did and my results.
I created two columns. In the first column I listed unacceptable behavior and in the second example I listed acceptable behavior. I couldn't think of any ludicrous examples, so I just started by listing actual examples from my life in each column.
I am list away, thinking of examples both of unacceptable behavior toward me and unacceptable behavior carried out by me, and both of acceptable behavior toward me and acceptable behavior carried out by me.
Tiger said to look for underlying truths, so I begin to think about both lists. What do they show me, I ask myself?
Here's what I begin to realize: I AM EITHER ENGAGED IN THE BEHAVIORS ON THE UNACCEPTABLE LIST (talking critically about people, not minding my own business, trying to control uncontrollable situations--I gave specific examples for each of these on my list, but these were the basic behaviors) OR I am ALLOWING various unacceptable behaviors by not setting boundaries. I do my uanacceptble behaviors DAILY if not SEVERAL TIMES AND DAY. AND, Obsessing, recently I have been spending HOURS on mulling over a situation that has been bothering me.
Oh, and the acceptable list: I RARELY if EVER do MANY of the behaviors on this list. Get in a really good walk beyond the daily walk to the parking lot and back? Oh, I do that once every few months. Go to the dentist? Have gone recently after, literally, 5 years or so. Buy presents to celebrate special occassions with friends? I am often 'too poor' so skip the gift.
Now, certainly, it's not true that I NEVER do anything good for myself. Certainly, especially with Al-Anon I have gotten better. Hey, I've gone to the movies recently, enjoying lighting candles everyday, had a meaningful conversation with a good friend today. But, and the list reminds me too, that when I get TOTALLY LOST in this Alcoholic crisis crazines dilemma that's on my mind, as I have the last few weeks, many of the central type things that I should be doing go out the window (eating right, going to the doctor's, working on my assignments, enjoying life, creating meaningful relationships, etc.). In other words, I may still do some good things for myself, but I STOP being the STAR of my own life, and instead start focusing MORE AND MORE energy on the A in my life. And, perhaps most importantly, my mind is FAR, FAR, FAR away obsessing and thinking. As they say, Alcoholics need to avoid the first drink, and Alanon's need to avoid the first think. LOL.
The GOOD part is that the ACCEPTABLE LIST can now be turned into a TO DO LIST. I do find that when I got busy I got better is EXTREMELY TRUE.
Thank you for sharing this. It certainly gave me food for thought about my own life. I struggle so much being the star of my own life. That really sums it up for me. I'm going to try this exercise also. Thanks for sharing your expriernce and insights.
Because we have come to accept unacceptable behavior, we PRACTICE it too! We SEND the messages we RECIEVE. And until we REALIZE this, ACTUALIZE this, INTERNALIZE this, we WILL NOT STOP THIS. We will REPEAT THE DESTRUCTIVE ACTION to our OWN DETRIMENT.
Now, the $65,000 question--are you ready to begin practicing some of those behaviors in the OTHER column? Those teeth gotta see a dentist! And us women GOTTA see an OB/GYN 1x per year!
Now that you got the message--what're you gonna do about it?
YES. YES. YES. YES. YOU DID IT EXACTLY RIGHT. 
YOU GOT THE MESSAGE. YES. YES. YES.