The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
hi another interesting moment for me and being aware of myself and ways i am trying to be different.
so i am trying to focus on my own feelings, right? know what i want,what i feel, be responsible for myself...and only myself. this is hard for me as a newly identified co-dependant (tho if can bristle at labels, i am letting some be for now - and i can sure relate to the co dependant label). but i am trying every day.
so in discussion with my A bf who gets out of rehab in 1 or 2 weeks about the possibility of him coming home to us (he had been living with me and my 2 daughters - asking him to leave was the final straw of things he was loosing to alchohol and this is when he sent himself to detox) so we are talking about the possiblity of him coming back here, and i ask him what his thoughts/fears about it are.
he answers....he says he's afraid of me holding him to a model of perfection and that any slip in character is going to be seen as not working his program enough. we talk about this . i feel constantly on edge throughout. sorta pissed.
then he asks me what i worry about....and it hits me....when he answered for himself, i was expecting him to answer for me...that is what had me on edge...i wanted him to be aware of my needs and feelings and put them first. i expected him to speak from my perspective...i wanted him to speak my fears to me....he was simply speaking his own and i felt jilted because of it!
again - how off is that? i sure do have a ways to go, but i am proud of me for noticing this.
by the way what i need....i need to have trust. i need to have a healthy sober partner who can take care of himself and also take care of others in a balanced way(ie me). i need someone who can contribute emotionally and financially to the family. i need someone to share my interests and not block my dreams. i am afraid of the things i have always been afraid of - fear of abandonment, of being taken advantage of, of infidelity, of lies.
what i trust is my hp, my support system and my ability to ask for help, i trust i know what is safe for me and my kids. i trust i know when i am happy and when i am not and i trust that i have in me the ability to be happy. i trust the words of the serenity prayer. i trust the alanon community and you.
