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The more I go to meetings or go out to enjoy myself, I have come home to my A husband much worse than before I went. This has been going on for a couple of months now. I am having a lot of stress becuase my mother may be dying, my father is also very sick and griefstricken. It seems my husband is competing to see how sick he can get( maybe this is a coincidence but they are all getting worse at once). He drinks 24/7. I suspect, when I get home from work(walk in the door) he is at his worst( passed out) he comes to in about 1/2 hour & He keeps calling to me to help him, help him & I tell him the only way to help him is to let him help himself. that is his responsibility so I am looking after me. I am going out. Then I go out, when I get home a couple of hours later, he has usually drank much more & gone to sleep.
I am fighting a little bit of guilt, although I desperately know I have to help myself. I have a lot of stress to deal with right now, & need meetings, the chat room , church, friends and diversions. I do suggest that my husband and I plan to go out sometimes but he never can stay sober long enough to make it. I am getting better at not participating in arguing with him, and not looking to him for emotional support which he is not capable right now of giving to me. He is very, very sick, been in the hospital 4 times in the last 2 months from drinking too much. His body can't take it anymore & boos are probably going to kill him, I'm afraid sooner than later.
God is carrying me a lot lately and I marvel sometimes how I am handling it. It is all thanks to this program, God, and reaching out to my friends for emotional support and a great job to take me away from my worries for a while. sometimes I just have to break down & have a good cry or vent in the chat room.
The hardest thing for me to accept right now, is the healthier I feel I am becoming, the worse my A is getting. The more I can look after myself, the less he can look after himself. He tries harder than ever to get me to take responsibility for his life.
His brotther is also an A, a diabetic like my husband. /his wife has comitted her life to him. She has retired to look after him, she checks all his many meds, sugar levels, even pours his drinks for him. He dosn't seem to notice that he is actually drinking less now his wife is controlling how much she gives him to drink. Hehe I never wanted to be like her, but I think that is what he wants. This is something I can never be and have told him that. It goes against everything I feel is right for me, even if it might be better for him.
Sorry for the long share, it just helps to get it all out!
Hi Carol No matter what your AH is up to with his drinking... it sounds like you are doing the right things for you... going out, doing your own things. Good for you! Keep up the good work.. taking care of you!
Artygirl.
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
I've been told that it takes being at their total bottom to start recovery. Perhaps, viewed in that light, the things you are doing are bringing him closer to his own recovery?? Just wanted to through that out there.
with love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I've been told that "until they get sick and tired of being sick and tired" just like us in many ways, do they seek recovery. It has to become soooooooo painful before a change is made.
Regarding your recovery ..........
Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery
We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.
Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge, it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people’s pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: We developed an addictive behavior and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.
Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: Warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn’t listen. They couldn’t see it; they couldn’t believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see and feel that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing and love. The other side was a better place.
But now, there is a bridge between us and those on the other side. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.
We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another’s time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
Today’s reminder: I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty, I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and that is where I am meant to be. Source: Melody Beattie
yours in recovery, Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Everyone keeps telling me to remember the 3 C's. You cant cause him to drink, control his drinking or cure his disease. We never have to balance our recovery with their reaction to it. It scares them to death... but that is irrational and selfish. (an attempt at manipulation.)
You are doing good... what he does is irrelivant to your recovery.
Our job is to stay on our path and get ourselves better. Let it start with us.
Take care of you.
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I think what's going on is that you're becoming aware of what's going on with him. you're starting to see the reality of his alcholism. And it's very humbling. It's very scary. It's scary to see those we love destroy themselves at their own hands.
But the bitter reality is that it's necessary. Until someone completely realizes that they are responsible for their reality, they won't change. They won't try. They'll keep looking for people to hate and hurt. They'll keep looking for scape goats. and that includes you.
Keep up the work you're doing. It'll pay off. If only because you're changing. Not about him. NOT about him
Unfortunately we can't even begin to understand this disease. He probably is seeing how sick he is. We would think the answer is to get help but many times the alcoholics answer is to drown it with more alcohol.
I recall hearing that there are only two ways out of alcoholism, recovery or death. Miracles do happen and alcoholics do find the bottom and seek recovery. Sometimes they are so deep in their disease that the bottom is death.
Last year at this time I felt the same as you. I thought he was literally going to drink himself to death. Next month he will be 1 year sober. No matter how bad it appears, there is always hope.
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Took me a while to realize this, but my dry AH does the same thing. The more I progress and get involved in activities, the more depressed he seems to be! My husband used to be jealous of our dogs.
I just keep on doing what I'm doing. He seems to be confused about the changes I've made in myself. What I've noticed is that if I'm down for some reason, he seems happier.
From all the reading and Alanon I've done, I know this is the disease of alcohol working.
I'm not changing back to my past confusion and depression for him or anyone else.
It's taken a long time for me to see the light and when I feel myself slipping back, I increase my Alanon and other reading and get myself where I need to be - taking care of myself and my non-alcoholic loved ones.
You're seeing the reality of alcoholism and it's so hard to believe that someone who supposedly loves you could act that way. He wants all the attention on him.
I wish you the best - you're hands are full taking care of those who need it - to do for your AH what he can do for himself is called enabling.
"I never wanted to be like her, but I think that is what he wants."
An alcoholic woman told me that's what every alcoholic man wants. She avoided that because she wanted someone to look after and clean up after her.
You are doing the healthy thing, your sis in law is the sick one. Can you take your husband to an AA meeting? They used to do 12 step calls back in the early days of AA - it's in the big book. It doesn't look like they do them anymore.
My A even gets weird when I talk about going to the beach (30 minutes aways to get to a meeting--just one meeting) He is jealous. I have bad anger and a temper problem.
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This is HippieTrippieChick Signing Off
Be blessed and have a wonderful day.
Remember God loves you.
PEACE
It must be so difficult to watch his decline and know that there is something that can help him! You are doing the right thing by taking care of you. You know that if you just stop taking care of you and focus on him things won't really get better for him! I am sorry you are going through this horrible time. Hang in there--keep yourself busy-going to meetings, chatting online, posting, going to church, out, cleaning, etc. We are so glad you are here!!!
