The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been having a lot of trouble lately. My parents are both sick and my mother is dying. Every time something else happened to them and I got upset, my husband started drinking even more.
We almost missed making a nice Christmas for them. Missed our plane to go there to take husband to the hospital. Then we used air miles & got there just in time. Had all the family over to their house for Christmas. It was important to them & to me as I have done this for them for years. They really appreciate it.
Came home and 2 days later , mother is admitted to hospital and my father is falling apart because he has looked after her with multiple sclerosis for 52 years. He had no life of his own, he was so dedicated to helping her.
My husband got drunk again. I was so mad that every time I really need him, he gets drunk. I finally realized that he may love me but he can't handle the responsibility of helping me in any way. He really needs his energy to help himself.
I felt so alone, so devastated. Frantic. I found my bible and realized my best friend, God, had not left me. He is so reliable and trustworthy. I can live without my husband's emotional support. This is a new independence for me. Maybe, just maybe, if I don't turn to him for emotional support, my husband can help himself. That's for time to tell.
Many thanks to all those wonderful people in the chat room and this board that listened to my desperate ventings! I feel much more at peace. I think I've finally taken a step on the way to recovery.
I am sort of where you are now...just waking up to realizing that my husband will just NEVER be there for me.
He refused to attend my college graduation. In fact, he tried to keep me from going, so he would not look bad to not go. I will never forget what he did as long as I live. He got drunk that morning and danced around the house pretending to swirl an imaginary graduation gown around and pretended to flip up the hem and said in a mock girlie voice "LOOK AT ME I AM GRADIATING". He meant it to make me feel bad, but I nearly passed out from laughter. I laughed so hard I cried and had to redo my eye makeup and my daughter giggled until she was doubled over, LOL. Still...his intent was not lost on me.
HIS parents even went and they don't particularly like me, since I was divorced with a child and their only son had never been married and had no children. MY parents went and their pride and joy in my accomplishment (I graduated with honors) was enough for me . I really did not even miss him much. My brother was there to and my 10 year old daughter was so happy that I truly barely missed him.
That was not so true at my Dad's funeral. I really needed him then. I was extremely close to my Dad, he was practically my whole world, and when he died I felt like I might die too. There was my sister with her husband and my brother with his wife, ALL had come from out of state. And there was me, alone, when my husband was down the street. I cried and cried...my siblings had their spouses to comfort them and my Mom was trying to help my daughter through the grief and there I was alone, crying in a corner...I will never forgive him for that either. He just did not care enough to come and help me through it.
He refused to come to my brother's wedding too. There I was, alone again...everyone else came with thier spouses from out of state, and here my husband just did not feel like coming.
He missed every one of my daughter's school concerts and the reception at the quilt show my work was accepted into.
He will probably miss our ONLY child's graduation and her wedding when that comes up.
Well, what is my point? To tell you that you are not alone and that I too have come to accept this as a fact, that I can't rely on his support for anything important in my life.
I am planning on him NOT attending our daughter's graduation, so there will be no disappointments. I told our daughter to just be glad that I will be there, her Grandma (my mom) and most likely his parents, and she should be glad she has us. It is time that she needs to stop setting herself up for dissapointment also.
The truly ironic thing is that her biological Dad, whom she has never met, is now really really sorry for his addiction problems (he claims he is sober now and considering the success of his business I am inclined to believe him) breaking up our marriage and making him too sick to ever really know our lovely daughter. He would do ANYTHING to go, and here her adopted Dad could go and does not care too...SAD!
. I really did not even miss him much. My brother was there to and my 10 year old daughter was so happy that I truly barely missed him.