The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
you would not believe what is going on here today.
i am glad i don't have kids around to see the idiocity of this behavior.
the other night i told my husband , "i am not going to act dumb anymore so you can feel smart."
well, today we were watching a true life program on TV about a plane crash. I said, ''it is not the radio controllers fault.'' Foolishly not recogonising this was grounds for a battle. He said, ''oh yes it is , blah blah blah.'' I said softly [i am now aware of the force for a fight that is in place] ''uhhhhh, I saw the beginning of the show while you were outside having a smoke. His radar equipment was out. '' He said, ''grr, grr, grunt, moan, growl, frrrraaa, frett, freak, more growl. '' I said softly but firmly, ''NO, I am not doing this, we'll wait to end of the show to see what caused the crash''. More growls under his breath and tension for the remainder of the program so palpable you could touch it. okay............., end of show. I am right. To me this is no big deal. But to him it is HUGE. He was wrong. He is so upset, he is not looking at me, he is dressing to go outside, I think he is shaking, he is trying so hard not to say anything, he is looking at me from the corner of his eye. I kind of shrugged and did a sort of "see" thing. He is gone out in a huff mood. Now I could run after him, put my arms around him and comfort him because I said something that made him feel dumb. but........, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE . Instead I lay down and continued to watch TV. I dozed off for about half an hour. I am exhausted. The courage to change is not easy.
the INSANITY is almost laughable. Can you imagine me running after a 50 something year old six foot man, throwing my arms around him and saying, "pleaaaaaase forgive me, I am sorry for making a comment about a man who was wrongfully killed and I felt bad for him and made you feel dumb''. Add to the drama the cold Alberta weather, him standing stoic, figid and cold as the icicles hanging from the house; letting me reduce myself to a pile of nothingness. All so we can have some peace around here. No, I don't want that type of peace. I want SANITY.
So here I am . Thinking of STEP TWO.
''came to beleive a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity''.
i need the courage to change,to work these steps and listen to a power greater than myself that is telling me ''DON'T RUN AFTER HIM, DON'T SAY YOUR SORRY, DON'T REPEAT THAT SAME PATTERN.'' if you do not listen to your higher power nudging you to change..........,
then the pattern of insanity continues.
it is so much easier to do what i did yesterday, and the day before and the day..........,[because to change causes me to shake, be afraid, and be tense]
ohh, please give me the strength to allow higher power to ....,
RESTORE ME TO SANITY.
just for today, i can't do anything but drink tea, rest, allow myself a junk food binge and maybe go for a late night walk. [i love the night, it fills me with such sweet , soft, bliss]
Change takes courage, and you have it. Thank you for the inspiring share. I needed a reminder to not only listen to my HP but follow it too. A night walk sounds so nice, this winter has been warm and I like being able to be out in it without layers of clothes or freezing. Enjoy!
(((jewly))) more amazement for you, I read it too..lol
Something that may help you a bit is knowing while you are changing, he may too. By not doing what you always do (nothing changes-if nothing changes) you are giving him the dignity and opportunity to change his behavior. Whether he does or not is up to him but at least you won't be feeding it anymore.
You're doing great! Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
(((Jewely))) You are doing sooo much good for yourself and your relationship ---- by doing nothing at all!!!! someone at my face to face told me that if I have to, keep repeating that particular step or tool till I get in my little goopy pea-brain. so i tell myself (constantly) detach with love detach with love detach with love with love with love with love oops, detach detach detach oh yea, with love detach with love detach with love
I'm so proud of you and how far you've come in such a short time. YOU are such an inspiration. Hang in there, stay tough, SMILE!!!!!
with big big love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I read it too - the whole thing! Amazing and great work on your part. You are inspiring. If we keep doing what we've always done, we'll get what we always got. Knowing that is one thing, but changing our habitual behaviors is hard work. Good job!!!!
i was thinking as i was walking, i would enjoy the night even if i was blind, because i FEEL the night more than i see it. the air feels so different to me at night. somehow softer.
okay enough about my walk.
i came in and watched one of those old movies i like, the kind that has you sitting on the edge of your seat holding your breath and wondering what will happen next, and i took a hot bath with all the essential oils that hubby doesn't like [did i mention higher power arranged to have him gone for the evening]
and,
as i was coming up the stairs to check my email, i thought to myself......
"i've been down this road before. this is the part where i give in because it is to hard.''
i was so surprised to see the replies to my post and read what i need to know.
*don't give up, be strong, nothing changes if nothing changes, and it doesn't matter if he changes, what matters is my changes , ect.*
thank you all again for responding to higher power and helping me through this difficult time.
