The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Okay. im new here. It seems like a lot of people come her when they are out of options and just need a little help. well, add me to the list of those people cause im building a bridge an im over this crap. yeah, im a little pissed off. I feel totaly cheated. okay stop...rewind.....
I am 25 years old and since i was about 12 or 13 i can remember my mom drinking. She was a very violent drunk. Mainly toward me and my dad. my brother missed the lot of it mainly cause when she would start i would take him into my room and hide under the covers and read to him. anyway, She would call me every name in the book which was the really painful part then she would slam me in the wall or box my ears (she always knew exactly how to hit you so that your ears would ring for days) Needless to say i didnt go very many places and spent most of my high school career afraid to move. I moved out when i was 17. I dont think i really knew how bad her drinking was then, i just tought that she hated me and that was it. It wasnt untill after i met my husband and his family that i even knew that that wasnt NORMAL. I wont get into every little detail but ill give you a few highlights. When i went to go see my then boyfriend now husband she threw herself on the hood of my car and called my a fat little b--ch and a slut. she would yell, "he doesnt want you, who would want you....." Just before i got married (and no she didnt aprove, i planned my wedding with out her, she was barely invited) we were over at her house (expecting her not to be there) doing some work on the car and she came home at about 1pm drunk off of her ass (oh yeah, she was coming from work)
long story short, i went to say hi, she came at me, i pushed her, she knocked me out with a wine bottle (my husband threw her back and held her down) she told him "do you really want to marry someone who cant take a punch?" (kind of funny in a sick way) then she tried to run me over with the car. I had her arrested (at the time NO ONE in my family wanted to know of her problem they all were operating under the out of sight out of mind philosophy which doesnt seem to bad right now) I put her in jail to get her some help, she ended up with probation for a year and a court order to go to AA meetings.
It has been a strugle the last 5 years. UP AND DOWN. she has been in and out of detox. see....my mother can talk a good game. She can FOOL ANYONE into thinking that she is fine. She even got me twice. The physical abuse has stopped toward me (mainly cause i dont put myself in situations where i can get hurt. visits are short and my husband who is a big guy is always with me) She is still violent but it is a lot less. There is so much i can tell yall but its exhausting to even think about it.
Bottom line.......i have tried everything to help her. I cant do it anymore. We are going to try to have a baby soon and i WONT have that woman around my child! i still have nightmares about my mother. They get really bad when i know i have to go see her. She still scares the crap out of me eventhough her body is so run down that she is almost to week.
oh and my father, forget about him helping he has been in "survival mode" since i was born.
Im thinking about cutting off communication with her entirely. Sort of a contact, you stop drinking and get some help ill be apart of your life again. DOnt and i wont. I asked her once during an intervention before i got married.... "please, can you be my mom."
she said, "what do you need a mom for" and grabbed another glass of wine.
maybe shes right what do i need a mom for...i have to get healthy.
help, im really at a loss as to what to do. my husband and friends are very supportive but they cant help, they arent in the situation. im hopeing someone can relate and give advise
My heart goes out to you and what you've endured. One of the first things we tell people in Alanon is the 3C's. * We did not cause it. * We cannot cure it. * We cannot control it.
What we do is learn to do what's best for us. We can't change them, so we must change us. No more "having it their way". We take control of our lives and control what we will allow. If you choose to cut ties it's your choice. What you mentioned before about her getting help or getting out of your life is a clear boundary, which you have every right to enforce. I kind of envision my boundaries as a barrier. I know what I won't allow in my life and I am the only one that allows or disallows. Alanon can help create the world you want to live in :)
To find meetings in your area: 1-888-4alanon
keep coming back
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hi Klutz, I doubt you are a klutz. You know, the world is a very strange place. We are taught that because a woman gives birth to us we are expected to give that person life-long love and affection. I, personally, don't subscribe to that edict. I believe that love, respect, and caring has to be earned. I do not believe it is earned through abuse. And, I don't believe that just because someone is related to me by blood that precludes them from being a toxic influence in my life.
So saying, I don't believe in being around toxic people. Toxic people sap your strength, cause you to doubt yourself, and hurt you. Toxic people should be avoided. Life is very hard and there is no need to make it more difficult.
You sound like a very mature woman with a good head on your shoulders. Do what you feel is right. You are the only one you have to please.
Your post made my heart ache. I'm sorry that you had to go thru that pain. A's are master manipulators out of nessessity. It gets easier to be strong as I grow and am able to see truth and my reality without being caught up in my A's. Reaching out is a big step, and I want to welcome you to MIP. I hope you keep coming back.
thanks to all that have replied to my rant. And yes, cause she is my mother i feel i Have to see her. but no more! I CANT CONTROL IT> i have a great life, a wonderful husband, and awesome friends. EVERYTHING in my life is up and up but this one thing. I have a great relationship with my mother in law and no i dont need a mom. hell, ive been raising myself since i was little anyway. Thanks for the thoughts, i will keep coming back, its nice to know that there are people out there that know how i feel and can bring an un bias opion. I am going to set up bounderies with her. the next step is how, and ill come back here for support in enforcing those boundries.
Heres to being way more normal than I have any right to be! (thats my toast to me:)
