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Hi. I'm new, and I have been reading some of your posts and I feel like everyone here is very kind and supportive. My husband is an alcoholic, who functioned passably up until recently. We have struggled with various issues in our life: his father died 5 years ago of cancer, and I had serious health problems that controlled our lives for nearly four years, including battling and overcomeing a dependence on pain and anxiety medication. I am happy to say that I am doing very well, but my husband seems to have gone the opposite way and now he is the one who needs some sort of intervention. Before Thanksgiving we had a sitiatuion where he was drunk and ended up putting his head (yep, his head) through our living room wall. Interesting symbolism there. And it was bizarre, he went from appearing to be fine to intense rage in no time at all. I was in bed and he did it in front of my youngest child (7). Needless to say it was pretty awful. After that I told him he was not allowed to drink at home at all, nor was he to come home after drinking. Which is a problem because he works with his brother (they have their own business and the "office" is his brother's garage) and his brother and wife both drink heavily. Things seemed ok for awhile, he did drink at Christmas and I was moderately upset about that, but I didn't feel like I could really confront him as we were at my aunt's house. Then we came home and I have suspected he was drinking when he went to his brother's (who is out of town) to care for the animals and work in the office...he would come home in the evenings and go to bed very early...when I went to bed I could smell it, ugh. Anyway, last night we were all over at his brother's, and the kids and I got ready to leave, planning to stop on the way home to pick up dinner, expecting my husband to meet us at home after a stop at the market, and we got home to an empty house. Not unusual, my husband is always late. So we ate, and after a couple of hours of call his cell phone, texting him and calling the office I finally left him a message that said I was extremely concerned that he wasn't responding and he needed to call me ASAP. Well he did, and it turns out that he had gone to the bar and barely made it back to his brother's house because he was drunk. I kept my cool, told him I was glad he called and told me the truth, but that we had a serious problem and we need to make some decisions today. I think he was hoping I would bawl him out while he was still drunk so he wouldn't have to own much of it, but I just said I loved him, told him to go to bed over there and that we would talk today. I'm sick. I know I have to be strong and stand up to him and let him know that he cannot be a part of this family and drink. Period. But I am so nervous and upset...my stomach is literally becoming my enemy this morning, and I would be so grateful for some advice on how to talk to him. I want to make it clear that I love him and I want things to improve for all of us, but he can't be here if alcohol is in his life. I understand that he has to "be ready" and all that, but I'm not feeling very sympathetic towrd him right now. I look at my sons and I know what their future will be if this continues (my dad is an alcoholic). Anyway, if anyone has some advice I would be so thankful. Many Thanks.
It is probably best if you tell your husband exactly what you just told us. You have said it in a very loving and concerned way. This does not mean that he is going to hear it as anything other than an indictment but you cannot control what he hears or how he responds.
I had to have the same conversation with my husband in April 2005. He made a lot of promises that he didn’t keep. We had the conversation again June 2005 and he made promises that were broken. By September 2005 I knew that I had to set my boundaries and protect myself. I spoke with an attorney, got my plan together, put everything into order and served him with the divorce papers April 2006. We were divorced June 2006. It took a year because I had to separate our joint finances.
Just keep in mind that you did not cause this, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it, that is up to him. Having battled addiction yourself, you should be aware of the tremendous emotional strength that it takes… not everyone has that strength.
Thank you. You are right, I know he is going to only hear what he hears and that I have to be responsible for saying what I mean and meaning what I say. I really appreciate your reply. Take care.
Welcome to MIP. Ditto nailed it. What you related to us was a compassionate way of stating what you need to take care of you and your kids. You obviously love your husband, and hate what is going on.
That is the way I look at it too. I love my wife very much, but there are parts of this disease that I can't allow to control our lives.
When I talk to her about stuff like this, she says all kinds of things to bring the blame around onto something or someone else... mostly me. But like you I have thought about this ahead of time, and this talk is not a debate. You don't have to win. You simply have something to say.
Be gentle with yourself, and know we are here for you. You don't mention if you have been to Alanon meetings before, but I highly recommend it. The support of a face to face meeting can be very uplifting.
Take care of you!
-- Edited by rtexas at 14:08, 2006-12-30
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Welcome to MIP. I am so glad that you found us. You sound like you are aware of the problem and know what you need. That is awesome. Attend as many alanon meetings as you can. Read the literature, get a sponsor. Keep posting here. We also have 2 meetings each day here. We share our experience, strength and hope. The meetings are a wonderful supplement to f2f (face to face) meetings. If you work the program, you will get stronger and the answers will come to you.
As you know, this is a family disease. Your daughter might benefit from alanon meetings also. She sounds like an awesome kid. You don't say how old your sons are. Alateen is another option. Best of luck.
Welcome, :) keep coming; post as much as you need; so empowering to help ourselves :); doesn't it feel so darn good? Get to face to face meetings. They have been invaluable to / for me.
The only suggestion I would add it not to talk to him when he's drunk. Wait until the next morning because often A's don't remember a thing. They make promises when they are drunk and we wonder why they don't keep the promises. They simply don't remember. It's often said that they have black outs yet they appear to be functioning.
Keep coming, Yours in recovery, Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I feel so strongly for you. The replies you have gotten have reinforced what I have learned in 6 months in Alanon. It's a great fellowship and is making a difference in many lives, including mine.
One thing we remind each other in alanon, is to make sure we mean what we say and follow through. Empty threats make the A disease stronger and even more manipulative.
It does not work if they think we will not stand behind our words/decisions.
Plus we can lost their respect and our childrens. Kids will follow what you do. so I always wanted to do my best to be an adult about it, and do what I say.
This disease will take everything from you, the kids and the animals if you allow it. You sound very bright and strong. I have faith you will follow your head and heart. Meetings are great. I love the book,"Getting them Sober." I think I gave mine to my daughter so I gotta get another one.
One thing I learned was to not do anything in the hope it will make HIM do something. If you don't think you can stand to follow through on something you say, then don't say it. Only set boundaries on YOUR actions, not his - that is, you don't say "You can't drink", you say "I can't live with you if you drink". YOUR actions are the only ones you can control.
We've had a lot of people come here, full of grief and disbelief - "I told him he had to choose me or drinking, and he chose drinking!" Sadly, this is what is likely to happen. This is so hard, but you know you are doing the right thing, for yourself and those who depend on you. Your kids deserve to grow up with some sanity in their lives. Welcome
Thank you all so much. He came home humble. "Embarassed and ashamed," he said. I'm sure he was. But I told him I didn't want to give his shame and embarassment any attention. I wasn't rude and I didn't yell (yay me) and I just asked him what happened. He said he was feeling happy when the boys and I left (BTW my sons are 7 and 10), he was looking forward to dinner and watching the movies we rented. The suddenly he just was compelled to stop by the bar. He said he didn't understand it, that he had been doing well and wasn't really thinking about drinking, but there he was and he just did it. He said he felt weak...blah blah blah. What hit me the most about his explanation was his incredulity at how easily he just stopped and did it. I told him that it seems pretty clear to me that he doesn't have any power over booze and that it's pretty clear that he is an alcoholic. He totally got that, but was upset with himself because in the past he's been able to break free of stuff that has a hold on him like that. (For example long before we were married he had a meth problem, and he decided to stop and never went back to it. THANK GOD) ANyway, I just said that he needs to get help and get sober or he can'tbe here. I told him I am tired of having to wonder what condition he will be in on any given day, we were all tired of trying to predict how he would react to what we might say innocently. I told him that I refuse to live with a practicing alcoholic again, and that I wouldn't allow the boys to grow up with one. I pointed out that his oldest brother has been an alcholic as long as I've known him and before, and now HIS oldest son is just like him. We were camping with the whole fam this summer and I reminded him of how our nephew acted, it seemed to make sense to him. Freaked him out, and rightly so. Point is, I told him he has a lot of work to do, that we will be here to help him as long as we can see that he is giving it his best effort. He agreed. I hope he will try AA, he didn't really venture any possible solutions to help him stop, but I didn't push yesterday. But I will if he tries to let this drop. I'm not foolish, I understand that this will be a loooooong road, and I will face more unpleasant situations before things can really improve. I understand this will be a forever battle for him, and as a result for me and my kids. Which sucks. But yesterday was progress, even if it was half a baby step. And I'll take it. I'll be back. I hope to offer you the support you gave me, it means so much. Bless you all, and have a peaceful New Year.
Hello and welcome , I really hope u follow thru and make some meetings a priority for yourself , tey and give our progam a few months before u make any life altering decission. As long as your safe physically tht is . In a few months u will be in a position to make a more informed decission about approaching your husb with your decission. Threats dont' work ultimatums don't work , crying begging don't work , now is the time to do nothing , get your life back on track stay focused on your own needs , and see what happens. good luck Louise
i think your conversation with your hub was terrific! the strength and courage it took you to maintain the peaceful level-headed approach and having TRUE communication is just OUTSTANDING! good for you! GREAT FOR YOU!! it's so refreshing to see someone employ the steps and it WORKS!!!!!
sounds like you know it will be a long, hard road. i really appreciate how you related your nephews life with the future of your son--must've hit home pretty hard for hub. i pray that he gets into a program, for your family's sake, and thrives. my own little mantra, "great people didn't just come out of the box that way, they continually work at it, forever".
Awesome job!!!! Keep it up!!!! with love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
