You bet, this place is right for you. There is something called Naranon, but there aren't too many chapters, so feel free to use Alanon for help. - the steps and tools are the same. Many of us here have the same issues, my husband is a crack addict as well as an alcoholic.

thank you for welcoming me. i need help and know i can't do it alone.

i have been with my husband for 12 1/2 years. married 8 1/2. we have a beautiful 11 month old boy. we have worked so hard to get were we are. he has, had, almost 10 years clean.

my husband admitted last night after a horrible, stupid arguement that he was using again (he started the arguement so he wouldn't have to come home and face me and feel the guilt more, he was goning to stay in a hotel). He first relapsed wed. then again last night after our arguement. he didn't blame me, said it was him. and on some level i know it wasn't me. but it doesn't hurt any less. we celebrated his birthday thursday. he said he didn't use that day.

i know we have been having problems. he started smoking again when we found out i was expecting, but he hid it from me for 1 1/2 years. not a huge deal considering what is going on now but i had been riding him pretty hard about quitting. his mom died 8 years ago at 61 years old and i don't want the same for him. i need a father for my child. he is supporting us. i left work early due to a few complications with the pregnancy so haven't been back.  i am taking care of our son. he is paying the bills. and now with winter, he has little/no work. and UI (electric co) is imposing a 50% rate hike come 1/1/07. we live in CT and everything is already high.

i thought he was so strong. he said all it took was one look at what he has and knew he could never go back to that life. we (our son and i) meant everything to him and he couldn't risk it. we built everything from nothing. we had a lousy car. lived in a lousy apartment. we had us and our animals. now we had 9 1/2 years clean, our beautiful son, 3 dogs, 3 cats, fish, houses, vehicles, things, we grew a landscaping business, family, trust, love, respect.

i am dumbfounded, lost, hurt, angry, scared, shocked... i cannot find enough words to explain my feelings. empty. he said he just wanted to be numb. when do i get to be numb.? i don't. i have a child. i sleep with one eye open. i worry about my son, husband, the animals, who are always getting sick, 1 cat (who i had for the last 15 years) is diabetic, bills, taxes, repairs on vehicles, not just him. empty. i feel like i have lost him. thank God he only just started. i sent him to NA this morning and told him he had to do a 90+ in 90 so I decided to try something for myself while my son is sleeping. he fell asleep on the rug while i was checking this site out. my husband wants to get help. that is why he came clean with me. but i swore to him that if he ever did this again (10 years ago) i would leave him. but i look at my son and know i cannot. I can't raise him myself. and how can i make my son grow up without a father the way my husband did? he loves his son, family... he doesn't cheat, he always comes home (almost) he is a good man. he works hard. i cannot give up on him. but i don't know how to help him and be there for him without getting angry at him. i am trying to be supportive but find myself saying "what about me? what about Nathaniel?" he is a good man but always been somewhat selfish.

i gave him a superman ring for his birthday on the box i wrote "Because you are our Superman". he went to give it back to me because he failed his sobriety, failed us. i wouldn't take it. i told him that he should keep it to remember the man he was and maybe he can be that man again.

he has to do this himself but i need to help him. i love him, with everything i have in me, i love him. i just am having a hard time setting aside my anger. i just want to dig at him to make him hurt as much as he hurt me. he got angry with me this morning before he left saying that i was busting his chops too hard and that maybe he should leave. i don't want him to leave. maybe i was to hard on him but am i supposed to just let it go? does he have any clue how hard this is on me??? i need time to start to heal. i am just bitter right now.  i need the strength to stop being petty and vengeful. he just doesn't seem to get it. or maybe he does and i don't get it. i don't know. at least we are communicating now.  i am scared. he bought the stuff while in our truck with our business name and phone number on it. so now i am dealing with being afraid like i was years ago. we just moved out to the "country" 3 years ago. and I had finally put those scared feelings away. i was settling in (i am antisocial anyway so lots of trees are good for me) (he is a city boy, grew up in Cleveland). no more gun shots to be heard, drug dealers to see, i could breathe. breathe. i don't feel like i can breathe...

God, give me the strength to accept the things i cannot change.... the courage to change the things i can.... and the wisdom to know the difference... give me the strength to breathe....

thank you for your support and lending me your eyes. i may not be able to see it now but know i will get through this. this is not new. God bless.

This is a good place to come and vent - there is not a lot of point in spewing all that anger out onto your husband, but you can't keep it stuffed inside, either.

Stick to your guns - you may not want to raise your son alone, but you know what life is like with an active user, and you don't want to raise him around that, either. Find a boundary that you know you can stick to, and hold to it. You don't have to decide it all this minute.

If there aren't any CA meetings close to where you are, there is a supportive online CA community that your husband can access. It's a difficult addiction to fight, but it can be done.

You know better than to place too much weight on the things he says right now - of course he will try to find a way to blame you. You just keep the focus on your own side of the street - do what you need to to protect yourself and your son, know that this has nothing to do with the love your husband feels for you - he has a disease, which you need to protect yourself from, but you don't have to hate him for it. You might want to take a hard cold look at your financial arrangements. If your husband is smoking crack the money will start flowing out, and you need to take care of yourself.

If there is an alanon f2f near you, I urge you to go - the companionship is great, and you can get access to reading material that will help you right now. Good luck and welcome.