I have started a new job, albeit a contract job, and am feeling the isolation I live in tremendously. I guess that is the issue of coming out of survival it hurts.  Christmas with the A was horrendous.  He didn't crash anything or smash anything but it was close.  He let the dogs get out twice.  He screamed blue .  He was sulking night and day and when he wasn't sulking he was fuming about something.  He is on some new liver medications and I think he is in detox all on his own.  I don't see any sign of him using except of course for the fact that he never has a penny ever.  I don'[t care much though I don't look for the signs anymore. I've given up.

I used to project all my resentment at his mother who demanded he go over there for the holidays.  Now she is gone, married off in a haste that was incredible to watch.  So now he is just pure venom and bluster.  He does the bluster. he craves attention, he screams blue and he always has some control issue over everything.  He also is not doing much with himself. He claims to be working but I come home to tons of pans and signs the history channel has been on all day.  So he is hand to mouth or worse, his creditors call all day long.  I think he also let the electricity get cut off because when I came home the other day the house was freezing and he made up some story about there being a power cut.  He never looks at a bill until it gets cut off.

The internet issue is particularly hard on me because when I am at home at least I can be ont he internet.  Now with his not being prepared to work at all that means the internet may be off for months at a time.  He is a master at procrastination and of course then at screaming in frustration that nothing goes his way. 

Of course all this is the norm for him.  He's always screamed, he's always idolized someone else.  He's always put most of his time on some fantasy that he is chasing.  I just feel somehow for me its worse on the holidays. There is this sense that there should be some sign of celebration.  How can I celebrate that I live with a screaming monster?  As I am so short of funds I brought him nothing for Christmas.  I am determined just to get through my bills for January which are considerable.  That is all I can do, hold onto progress.  I keep thinking of what is my next step and trying to be accepting about it.  There are some days when I think I can't manage another day with him and other days when I'm proud of how far I am on my plan b. 

I was at one time counting the days through the holidays.  Now I am not at the same time I will be so glad when they are over because I feel such a sense of loss living as I do.  I am lucky that I am around people who are all overinvolved in their own lives and who are not asking me questions about my non-life (that is the way I feel it is until I can get a more coherent plan b together). They don't notice I have nothing to say about my own holiday which was of course nonexistent at best and a total horror show at worst.  My holidays have of course since day 1 I met the A been non existent because I have never been a factor in his planning.  I never will be I know that much.   He has never cared about what I want to do ever.  He just acts out from November through December and feels sorry for himself, rages, uses and then blames someone else for it.  

I see small improvements. The other day he asked me if I could give him something for one of his friends. This time I said no without any resentment. I used to jump to try to be included in his world of "friends".  Now I know that without a doubt whatever friends he has have to be addicted or dysfunctional in some way.  I don't need to be included anymore.  I don't need to people please.  I just need to be loved and cared for and that's simply not possible for him.  I know that and I grieve it and I don't rage against it anymore. 

One more week and that will be behind me.  In time the entire A relationship will be behind me but for some reason this holiday has been worse than others. ......just being out of denial is so incredibly painful.

Maresie.