The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been having judgemental and uncharitable thoughts towards my As family lately. For years now they have held the belief that I kept him from being around them, participating in activities. i admit sometimes I did try to, for the most part though while my A was trying to stay sober it was his own choice. In the past couple years he spent time with them without me, I did not pay much attention at first, I enjoyed the extra time it gave me for my family, pets, life ... until it became obvious that I was not invited by him. Later finding out that he was using with them, that was the reason i was not invited.
More recently I gor to experience his family shunning me in various ways. It hurt but I have found peace. I can sometimes understand their desire to believe his lies.
What I am working on letting go of now is my anger at them for being a party to his addiction. I was told by most of his family he was an A prior to our marriage, being naive i believed his saying he would not use alcohol or drugs meant he really wouldn't. I've come a long way LOL
I'm so angry ... I look at my brother and love him so much that I could NEVER use him to feel better about myself. And I really feel my A's family has done this, parents who use with him, cousins, brothers who expect it. Then acting surprised when it gets out of hand and he is crashing, no job, arrest warrants, drunk dialling them.
I'm angry at them for expecting me to help pick up the pieces, even though I have shown them I would in the past. I am angry that someone I love has a family that would be party to harming him. I am angry that someone I love hasn't got the gumption or desire to stand up and say I don't want to be involved in this dysfunction. And I am angry at myself for blaming them, for not being able to work past this faster, for even letting it in my own head.
Thanks for reading, your ESH is always appreciated. Best wishes to all.
Understandable. But it is a family disease. How they all cope. In my husband's family they addict and then make a joke about it. Take care of yourself.
I heard in an alanon meeting once, that "enabling breeds resentment". And I believe it to be true, after reading your post. I think it is normal to feel angry......in an alcoholic environment nothing makes sense, and most of the time you are stepping through the door to insanity....
Detachment is a very difficult alanon principle to practice when you live with the active alcoholic. I know, because I lived with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years, and watched his disease progress before my eyes. Drinking led to crack use, and his money melted like "snow in June", as the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous states so well...the disease progressed to the point where he couldn't wake up in the morning to get to day labor.....which is the work that he was reduced to by his drinking and drug use. He sold his lexus, and used the money for drugs in June, and came home after being knifed by the dealer. I have seen it all. I moved in with him because I thought he was sober. There was no rent, because his cousin owned the property, and she assumed he was sober as well......
Of course your alcoholic is going to drink and use with his family.....he will do that with anyone he can. But remember, you are not responsible. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. Don't let his family members put the blame on you, they are just using you because you are convenient and handy.
Jennifer - I'm sorry for your pain. Posting and writing it out helps us work through the hurt. I'm sorry you have to go through this with your husband and family.
It IS a family disease. It is really sad and disheartening. We've learned to be independent and co-dependent- waiting and hoping that one day.....
Just remember it is not you - you didn't cause this. We so want our loved ones to have that desire to pull away and we spend so much time trying to show them the "right way". I've tried to instill and force that desire on my A many times and in so doing, get sick myself. This is my co-dependent disease. only to finally realize that I am powerless too. Keep taking care of you and keep the focus on you. We are here for you and we love you.
