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Ok, I do need ESH here. I did take the high road regarding my A's EX at his family's Christmas morning breakfast and gift-giving. I have never spoken ill of her to his daughter, nor have I spoken cross to her in any way...always nice, always positive.
Christmas morning...I saw her when we got to the inlaws, she ignored me and only spoke to everyone else, even my A, right next to me. I said "Hi Anne, how are you?" in a very pleasant voice with a smile, not a fake smile either. She said smugly, "fine" and walked away. Throughout the entire morning she never said another word and didn't even look my way. Even my stepdaughter never acknowledged me. She's freaking 19 years old...I am married to her dad and have been for over 6 1/2 years, and in their lives for over 7 1/2 years. This is normal for the stepdaughter to do this.
Before breakfast was even over, EX said to my MIL, we need to go ahead and open OUR gifts because we have to leave in 20 minutes. So EX proceeds to take over, go to center of room, get presents and start opening them. And yes, she did have a place to go for Christmas, other than to my inlaws ~ she has a new husband. This EX hasn't been involved in any holidays here since I've known my husband's family (over 7 1/2 years), except for 4 years ago at Thanksgiving.
Usually we wait for the table to be cleared before starting anything, but EX took over. No, they didn't leave in 20 minutes, like she said they had to, it turned out to be over an hour that we continued to open gifts. She just wanted to be in control, to be the center of attention. Yes I'm jealous. Jealous of not being recognized as my A's wife, my stepdaughter's stepmom. Stepdaughter opened her stocking from us, which had many items, plus $100.00. She looked at her dad and said thanks for the money Dad. He told her, it's from Kathi too. She totally looked away and said not another word. It sure would be nice for my A to tell stepdaughter to at least acknowledge his wife.
And, not that I need any material things, as I have what I need, but it would have been nice to have stepdaughter think of me and her stepsister at this time of year (or any time of year, for that matter). It hurts to feel left out. But why should I think that she would have changed from past years. Both she and EX got a gift for my A, but not for my daughter or me. This is why I have a hard time at Christmastime with their family. Yes I could have chosen to stay home by myself while he went. And maybe I should have. But I thought this one time it just might be different. After all, stepdaughter did talk to me pleasantly a few nites ago when she brought her dad home from their day of shopping.
MIL gave me a nice leather purse for Christmas. She also had given my two other sisters-in-law one too. She gave EX same one too ~ we all had same style purse, but in different colors. MIL made comment, "I gave all my DIL's a purse this year." Sigh.....
It hurts so much to be treated like an outsider.
I'm better today, much better, since it's all over.
I did find out that the EX is moving her to Tennessee from Florida, as her new husband lives here, just about an hour away from us all. Stepdaughter is going to be living in college dorm in Florida to continue school. She was told that yesterday after gifts were all opened. She was not too happy about that. EX had to recruit my A to be able to tell stepdaughter she wasn't going to be living in the house in Florida, as EX was going to sell it. Stepdaughter can get pretty nasty, and I guess EX needed backup, as she had stepdaughter's cousins in there as well to help diffuse any potential situation.
So, I'm guessing (projecting, maybe?) that every future Christmas will be like this, since EX will be close by. Not looking forward to that.
Congrats on taking the high road - that is awesome and what a great example. I bet is does hurt when your grace and kindness is not returned. We have no control over that and obviously that (daughter in law and ex) have a hard time letting go of their negative emotions. Don't let them get the best of you - you did the right thing!
You did great on the outside, but feeling good on the inside is even more important. Since your stepdughter was pleasant to you a few days before Christmas, I suspect that she feels she needs to treat you otherwise in the presence of her Mother, out of a twisted sense of loyalty.
My first husband and his wife have been holding a grudge against me for 30 yrs!! Every holiday my now adult daughters have to hear some derrogatory comment about me. It happened again this year, only I stopped my daughter from telling me what was said. I've had enough of hearing what a crappy Mother I was/am from a woman that has never had children..she's an expert ya know? lol I simply told daughter that if they want to carry that resentment it's all theirs to own, I want no part of it. I've moved waaaay past all that. I actually feel sorry for them, they are sooo full of hate for most people, not just me. Racist comments, throwing out gifts made in Japan, won't stay in Hotels that are not American owned etc. They believe these actions place them above others. The clincher is, I went to high school with the stepmothers family and they are mixed (african american and caucasion). The whole thing is beyond me where her self rightiousness and mean words come from.l It must be miserable. I do have some satisfaction in knowing that when they pass on and realize we are all one, sons and daughters of one source ....they will get a huge shock...lol
I understand that most people that do wrongs towards us are sick in their own way. Doing things out of fear or resentment. Trying to appease everyone but still not getting it right (ie: the purses for all DIL's). They aren't following their heart, they are just trying to please or take the easy way out.
It's hard sometimes to accept people as they are. For those people I just detach and go on about my business. Last year my girl's Father and Stepmother were in town for Christmas. I invited them to dinner so they wouldn't be spending it in a motel. Ha!! Boy was that a hoot. They wouldn't think of eating here as I have a dog in my house..LOL!! Whatever! Both of my girls thanked me for inviting them. I was able to show them what keeping my side of the street clean is. I didn't for one second think they would accept my invitation, after all, besides the dog I had a elderly black friend sharing my table.. He entertained with stories of the many years he drove the Budweiser Clydesdales and carriage . ROFL!! Oh, the irony!
love Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You should feel so proud of yourself. You handled yourself with grace and dignity under very difficult circumstances. You can't control how they acted, nor should you even care....in my opinion. You did so well and to be honest.........they know you did, too. You are a lady, lmt and I am so happy that you were able to get through it all with that quality in tact. Hold your head up high, my friend.........you are doing great!! I know it was hard, but you did it!
I hope this New Year is filled with many blessings, lmt.
I'm sorry you are hurting, I would be too. Your courage in facing the situation and handling it with grace is an inspiration to me.
I had a thought while reading about your stepdaughter. Not knowing the dynamics between her and you or her and her Dad this may not make sense but it is my experiemce.
I have a stepMom, we get together for family dinners etc and I spend alot of time with my Mom so when asked what i am doing or about life, funny stories and so on, she is included in alot of them. At first it was hard to know what was acceptable to say or not say. I knew it bothered my stepMom at least a little. I had to come to terms with the fact I can't please everyone, and i probably stumbled a few times before I got it right. Now i speak freely, if my Mom is in a story i tell it anyway, if my stepMom has a problem she will need to work it out inside herself. I'm lucky that they are both graceful when in the same place and handle it well, they are friends to some extent. If not I may not know how to act and may mess it up badly. Someday your stepdaughter (with a little more life experience) may truly appreciate the way you handle situations.
lmt, my friend, i will be honest with you. I know that 364 days between Christmases makes you forget the reality of family dynamics. I know that I have done that a zillion times..."this time it will be better. " Not!
I think you might look at how YOU feel by being there and being abused.
I'm afraid I would have to say after years of being tramped on by certain people, sorry, I have other plans.
Great job posting and getting it ALL OUT. I sure agree with you. It really sucks because "hurt people, hurt people." I won't condone your stepdaughter's behavior one bit, but this I know, children want their parents together no matter what, no matter how crappy they are together, no matter the situation even at times when they are dire and especially at Christmas time. Everyone wants to be from a "normal" family.
Letting go and letting God and surrendering to no "expectations" from stepdaughter I hope helps. When I let go of one of my nieces "who treated me like dirt", it felt so great to not spend any money on her out of a duty. I finally accepted the situation as it was. She didn't want anything to do with. So I, thank God for program, am allowing her the dignity of making her own mistakes.
Love ya, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Thank you all for the replies and votes of confidence. I really needed to hear all of what you all said. I talked to my husband yesterday about at least being acknowledged by his daughter for my contribution to her Christmas, and he said he had spoken to her Christmas day, and told her to please thank me because the gifts and money were from me as well as him. She said ok...
He told me that he can't make her actually thank me, and I do know that. But it felt good that he at least pointed it out to her. Like she didn't know that, lol...
I've yet to hear from her on that matter, but like I said, at least he told her.
I did tell him that if his EX was going to be at future gatherings, I'd like for us to possibly celebrate Christmas with MY family, out of state, because we've never done that. It's something I've always wanted to do, and they love him and have always welcomed him into their homes. Plus, there won't be anybody's EXes there, LOLOL. Of course, his daughter would be more than WELCOME to come along with us. Like she would, though.......NOT...
Thanks again for letting me vent and for your support.
Congratulations on your grace & compassion - also for your self-respect for yourself not to be brought into a "drama" situation in front of your husband's family. As far as the ex-wife's and step-daughter's actions, it is probably not about you. It may be there own issues that they aren't dealing with that cause them to need that control or to hurt an innoncent person. Some people have to put others down to feel good about themselves.
I hate that you are the person that is their target, but it is also awesome that your husband stood up for you about the gifts with his daughter. Exploring your options for different plans for the holidays are great ideas. For us, it's not about choosing one family over another - it is about making the celebrations as stress-free as possible. So we work around others schedules and ex's & our other families - Just think you have an entire year before you have to make the decision where you want to celebrate the next Christmas - take your time.
Wishing you a safe & serene New Year,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Lmt, gotta be straight with you, there has been no time in my life where taking the high road hasn't left me feeling like someone just sucked the life force outta me. Especially if they are emotionally unstable, mentally unbalenced, or in some other way, unavailible to be forthright about their needs.
For some reason, I've been thinking about how at this time a few years ago TIME MAGAZINE named the women who were whistle blowers in their companies "Persons of the Year." The women who tried to tell their respective employers "If something isn't done about this respecitve issue, the shitake is gonna hit the fan, and....WHOA." Were they listened to? No. When they went public, were they respected? Heck no! One of the women had her house firebombed! She had to send her children to live with her IL's for their own safety!
BUT--They, too, took the high road. They did the right thing. And...they were shown, tragically, to be right. They can stand up in front of the mirror in the morning and say "I am a person of dignity, respect, and honesty. Not because of what I did or didn't do; not because of what said or didn't say; not because of who I run around with or not. But because I walk what I talk."
Think about that the next time the high road gets upsetting.
