The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I woke up today and decided to get some pictures together for my adoptive mom. After three nights in a row of my loved ones dieing, the ones who are dead, Richard M Tyson/an actor falling in love with me and wow can he kiss. I was telling him I could not sleep with him until we were married, next thing I know he has his horse packed and is riding away.....
Anyway I went into my past, my A's past, my whole family and kids etc past in pictures.
Was taken away, back to home, family get togethers where grama is sitting in her bear slippers with her slip hanging out and holding baby pot bellied pigs at her house.
Raini my daughter with her beautiful ringlets to her waist and always smiling , swimming she laughed so much it was hard for her to learn....mouth always open.
transported back to where I felt secure, loved, beautiful, young, happy, married to my first husband he was so cute, saw pics I never saw before in A's albums.
Just such a feeling of heaven, hard to explain. saw all my animals who have passed back when I walked every single day of my life for hours. My dogs were dogs who I could take to the mountains or the beach and they loved it. I was bonded to them.
then the last picture put away in its pile. I sat back and I could feel myself stepping out of warmth into cold hell. Just lost it big time. What happened? Where is everyone? Why do I have to be alone? realized how i depended on my mother to make me feel secure and real and ok where ever we went like visiting or to the sunday meetings, she knew I was shy like she was.
You would not know it if you knew me.
so back to not a whole person, alone, no future, waiting to die.
Just cold and nothing.
I realized I had to change. If I don't like this, where I am, I have to change.
Need to give, take care of someones, go to Africa and work with the homeless kids who's families are all dead.
Make a home for as many want to come thru. I loved being at schools I was the mom in the building, who listened, cared, bought them shoes, makeup, they would tell me if they were pg or going to kill themselves.
who had guns, sewed their cloths, had cough drops.
I felt whole. I need to give. Always wanted to bring a family of kids who have no one here. But I am so poor here. If I went there, my disability would be like I was rich.
I am not saying Africa is where, there are a million places I could go and my money would make me rich so I could be of help.
My promise to my animals here stands, I will stay here until they are gone.
When that time comes I will decide where i am going, rent both my places, have my son take care of it and go. Maybe get a small rv for me and my dogs and one pig, and just go where the need is, an Indian school in Arizona, a poor school in Alabama in some small community.
Part is also I want to do more service for our creator.
anyway it was horrible painful, especially when I realized no one was live I could call that would understand.
I did call A. He answered. I knew he was still with her, using her for her pain meds as she has cancer. I could tell he answered from the couch and she then answered from her bedroom.
I said may I speak to my husband please? I could tell he took the phone and slammed it down. Whatever. I don't care. Makes it even easier to cont. to throw his stuff away....
anyway do you guys relate at all to this? how we become adults and our life just might seem to be getting worse not better? or how we maybe do not know who we are or where we belong?
I always wanted to be married to A. I was soooo happy we were in love. Now he is not him.
anyway I would appreciate any and all thoughts. I know for me, I need to find ME again. Want to challenge me, be a sponge in the world to knowledge and experience.
I know you are lonely, but, there is lonliness in living with an A too.
At least you have peace everyday that you wake up. You don't have a feeling of dread about doing something wrong that is normal and being screamed at. You don't have to worry about being embarassed when a friend calls and your A answer the phone and is drunk and talks like an idiot in slow motion. You don't have to go outside and see your neighbors on their porch snickering because your A mowed the lawn drunk and put on a comedy routine.
Life is hard, and most people have problems, they are just different ones.
But, you have many blessings, a son and daughter who love you, family and friends, and the many people here that love you .
You also have your beloved animals...
So you are never alone as long as you have friends, that is really true.
When I was single for 8 years between husband #1 and husband now I was a LOT less lonely than I am now. I had friends over all of the time, went to the movies with them at least once a week, had dinner parties, etc. I still slept alone every single night and I did not like that much and sometimes felt lonely, but there was always something to do the next day that comforted me. Working and attending college helped a lot, I was really too busy for too much lonliness, I was single but with other people most of the time, at work, at school, or having people over. When you are single it is easy to have people over a lot, no one else's needs to consider, you can have as many people over as you want. My brother and his friends used to hang out at my place to, with me and my friends so it was fun.
I don't do much of that stuff anymore, too embarrassing with A around. But I am working on getting back into it .
It is harder at our age, LOL, but it can be done. Maybe you can plan a dinner party and invite some of your friends that help with your animals. A potluck so it is not a strain on you? YOur place sounds like so much fun! I bet your friends would love it!
I hope things get better for you. You should host an MIP campout or something, LOL! I bet lots of people would come and it would be a lot of fun.
i don't believe i have the words in me that would ease your pain, but i can assure you that you continue to be one of my guiding lights. not my HP, not my Awife, not my mother, but a sincere woman who i choose to listen and learn from. HP's Will works in such a way that i am by no means, 'connected' or 'smart' enough to have it be clear and decisive. what I can do is accept and acknowledge. this journey of ours is not just that of dealing with Aism, but, in my humble opinion, life lessons. for myself, and perhaps others too, i am learning something unusual --- genuineness --- i'm learning how to identify genuine people. mostly, those people that can look inside themselves, admit their shortcomings, want to give of themselves free and clear for betterment of others --- that is most of us here; you are one of those; a torch of light blowing in the winds of life.
thank you for being here to walk this portion of my path by my side with love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Jewely, thank you for saying so, however whatever comes out on MIP from me, comes from my heart, and my hp is there.
I know the hard stuff is when we learn.I sure do. As bad as it might feel, figuring out what has bothered me, what the primary problem is, makes me feel so good!
I always appreciate hearing others thoughts.
thank you for sharing yours. You know though, It really was not an A thing that got me, it was how life goes so fast. How loved ones disappear and our lives take on a whole different meaning.
For me, things changed but I have not let go and accepted my new place in the world. My mother died in 2000 my A basically left the same time.
Or that was when I realized for sure he was in trouble.
Anyway, a lot is Jewely is it is so hard to keep this place up alone. It gets me down. I like a nice clean tidy place and geez i get it pretty nice and the hurricane winds came thru and it is worse than it ever was...roof all over, broken trees...
But I do my best to think about summer coming and it is ok to rest some in the winter. And that I will have the energy to do a little at a time.
thanks for responding!!! you made me think. love,debilyn
Your heart is so pure and good and loving. You are NOT alone. You have your wonderful daughter, your granddaughter, your animals and you have us here. AND you have HP. This earth and the people on it need you, yes. Your animals need you. Don't ever feel like you don't have a purpose, and that your life was wasted. I know what you mean about looking through old photos, just wondering how things got screwed up. We were innocent and so happy and carefree. Does life get harder or is it just we have so many more experiences and we learn to react with pain instead of taking each moment in, good or bad?
Just because you are alone (not with your husband) doesn't mean you can't be a loving, wonderful person to others. People need to hear your voice, and hear how you are getting through the tough times. Your honesty and wisdom in your posts teach us all how to express our loneliness and heartache, but have a full heart of love at the same time. Our lives cannot be wasted in pain this way, we have to give our love to each other and teach each other how to feel our pain, then overcome it and become stronger. Someone told me one time, "we don't have to do it pretty"... isn't that the truth!!!
I think you are at a good place to begin to change, yes, and the funny thing to remember that I hate sometimes is we are ALWAYS changing. It is inevitable. I love your dreams of leaving and making a difference somewhere, but Debilyn, the truth is, you already do make a difference to all of us. You don't have to go to Africa or any far away place to make a change. You have the heart to go into your neighborhood or a neighboring city, and give any bit of your heart if you want to. Love is the most important thing in this world, and I believe you have a lot of it to share. There are so many lonely people in this world, and I think a lot of them would be privileged to know you. Even if you post on this board and don't get out much because of your health problems and/or transportation, you are still helping many of us to live life fully, and to change and face problems with grace and dignity. Thank you for your words, and though I am sorry you are in pain, you are helping people.
Love and prayers for your upward changes... the only way to go is up when you are feeling down, right? Keep in prayer and keep listening to your heart....
I agree with Jewely, your words have helped me in the past, so I hope what I write will help you just a little.
I have grieved my dreams too. It hurts so much to know that what we wished and hoped for is not what has come to be.
At times, it's been so hard for me to get past the grief, but after I dry my eyes and calm myself (most of the time by praying to my HP) I can look ahead, even if it's just an hour or day and make a choice on how to make life good for my kids and for me. Sometimes it's been a small step, sometimes it's been a giant leap with a yawning chasm waiting to swallow me and my plans, but with my HP and by living day by day (or hour by hour) I'm still going.
Looking back, I can see that I've come a long way and that I'm in a much better place now than I would have been if I didn't take those difficult steps. I still miss my dreams sometimes.
From reading your posts, you have come a long way too. Your plans for helping others shows what a kind-hearted, loving person you are.
Thank you for being there for us and know that there are people praying for you too.
so funny, i just read your response to my pain - your kind words of hope - and i thought...."thankyou...but what could i ever do to help her?" my first thought is always to want to take a small part of someones suffering away...i read that coming from you as well.. and a life of service to the HP(therefore the world/ourselves/et al) is surely a satisfying one.
as my life has changed in the past years....i have lost so much, but with that loss comes the chance for something new. i believe it will always be provided by a benevolent and loving hp...we just have no control over how it happens...and waiting can be so hard!
for now, count on the small miracles...the sun rise, the food on your table, the smile from a stranger, the fact that you made a huge difference in my life today.
I have gone to the A so many times for emotional support I lost count. I stopped doing that recently. I understand the loneliness and the poverty deeply. I have stopped longing for the A to change. He may never do it. I just work on my own changes slow as they are.
I am very ok now. 
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