The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Every Christmas I hope for the best but expect the worst. --Adult child group member
As bells ring out and carols echo everywhere, we should not be surprised if our spirits take a nosedive. It isn't that we don't understand the meaning of Christmas, or that we reject it, but rather that the idealized version of what Christmas should be has often times been denied us. We may come to resent the fact that all this good cheer seems to be for other people, not us.
Our experiences may have had little to do with family togetherness around a glowing fireplace, loving conversation, and delighted laughter. Such scenes feel like an affront if there has been no family closeness, perhaps no gifts, and little or no overt love. Of course it's wrenching when our own experience clashes so painfully with advertised reality!
But every day is a chance for new experience. We can choose today to create the good cheer that wasn't created for us. It's too late to change yesterday's disappointment, but, if we choose, we can make this holiday season the one we'll remember.
I have made a conscious decision to leave past Christmases in the past. Today, I will begin to plan a celebration.
I have shared with some of you that at one time I did an inventory on the holidays that my family celebrated. And, like the traditional 4th step, it was consise, specific, truthful, and "fearless and searching." It was divided into "Holiday name; Holiday intention (what was I taught in school about this holiday? what did I see on TV about this holiday? what did I see in the mall about this holiday? I mean, being Jewish, I didn't see alot about the Jewish new year, Rosh Hashanna, but I sure did about the Julian new year, 1/1, and I remember being a little girl and feeling very confused and conflicted, thinking "Why do I have to be JEWISH?! Why can't I just be like everyone else?!") what I wanted out of this holiday (including what I envisioned, hoped for and looked forward to, and had expectations about); what actually happened when this holiday occured (getting as specific as possible, naming names, times, and events); how not having my hopes being met with reality (or alternatively, if they were) made me feel; and, lastly, this was the most important part, I feel about these holidays today.
Wow...wanna learn about yourself? Write about your family holidays and their traditions!
I learned that when it came to Thanksgivign and July 4, it was the same thing. Every year. No matter what. That this was where my earliest beliefs about drinking were formed, because it was basically getting on a plane, flying 600 miles to spend 5 days with people who hated eachother and drank till they did horrible things to eachother.
I learned when it came to Rosh Hashanna, Yom Kippur, and other "Jewish" holidays, I never "fit in" with the Jewish kids (and being that it was a "Jewish" holiday, we HAD to keep up appearances and HAD to go to the synagogue and I HAD to associate with the Jewish kids, be their friends, play nice, all that crap; I remember the one time my mom, in front of every1 ripped me up one side and down the other for not getting some of their phone numbers and not trying to be their friends. Getting yelled at by Mom is one thing; in front of like, 20-something people? Yeah....) and not just because of the alcholism in my family. They didn't go to my school. They didn't swim. Their families weren't dead ass broke (they actually got GIFTS for Hannukkah!).
I learned at Passover that my father invited his family out of obligation. That it was the same thing as the 4th of July and Thanksgiving. That this was where my earliest ideas of drinking (and of family, completely miseducated about family) were formed.
As I work in recovery, I'm being challenged to surrender these memories. I'm being challenged to really look at the dysfunction alcholism brought into my life and say "I don't want to live like that anymore." I'm being challenged to say, honestly, lovingly, tactfully, "These ideas are not ideas of healing, love, or acceptance. These are not ideas of a recovering person. These are not ideas of a god of my understanding."
And worse, much harder, I'm being challenged to make new memories. Make my own memories. Very, very scary. At a certain point, I don't want to live in the insanity of the alcholism, but it is familiat. It is comforting. It is, in essence, the smelly old sneakers that fit perfectly.
What about you? If you were, or have, inventoried your holidays of years gone by, what would you see?
As I sit here crying, I found your post. It describes my day today, and the few days leading up to today and tomorrow. I couldn't understand why, when I was first married to my first husband, and after our daughter was born, I would have trouble being happy on holidays. It's like deep inside, there was something gnawing at me, telling me it was going to be a bad day for some reason. I never could quite put my finger on why I would feel that way.
As time went by, I eventually divorced, and I started feeling better about holidays, with just my daughter and me.
After I remarried, it all started coming back, because my second husband was an A, and was living another secret life. Even though I didn't know about that other life and his drinking, something inside of me did know that there was something not quite right. Again, I began to feel uncomfortable around holidays, birthdays, any special days.
I now realize that I have come to know why...at least I think I do. There was always arguing on holidays, really any day for that matter, between my dad (an A while I was growing up) and my mom, and my dad would take it all out on me (out of the five of us girls). I was the "black sheep", if you will. He showed NO love whatsoever to me. He let me know how useless I was and how I was SOOOOO like my mother.
Fast forward to just today...my daughter's b/f was over today, as well as my sister and her 17 yr old son. My A and my daughter were here too. Daughter's b/f speaks up..."what do you call someone who thinks they are sick all the time?" I say, "you mean when they think they have all kinds of illnesses? A hypochondriac." He then says "yes, that's what you are, you THINK you are allergic to live Christmas trees so you can't have one in your house, and you can't burn wood because you THINK you are allergic to the smoke."
Well, today was NOT the day for me to hear someone say something about whether I am or am not this or that. Who was he to come into MY house, for Christmas Eve dinner and gift-opening and tell me what he thinks I am? I don't even like to go to the doctor for colds, let alone for something serious, if I think I can take some herb for it! I know he is just a 17 yr old boy, but it brought back stuff my dad would tell me when I was little, like "why are you clearing your throat so much? It's all in your head, you don't have drainage".
I told my daughter, I guess I know who's been talking about me lately...she wanted a live tree, and I had told her I couldn't because I have asthma and can't breathe with one in the house. I can't burn real logs in the fireplace because of the smoke. I have tried these things before, and I have a problem with them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's not just all in my head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just wanted to have a lovely time for Christmas, here with family, but it just made me sad/mad/bitter/resentful all over again. I hate it when that happens. I would love to get past all the nasty gook of my past...when will that happen? I started to tear up in the kitchen shortly after he made those comments, and excused myself to "go to the bathroom". I sat in there and had a pity party for myself, then came back out. Everyone knew something was up, and my daughter looked at me and said out loud, "why are you crying???" I said, shut up, I haven't been crying. She stared at me, and I gave her the "stop-staring-at-me-look" as hard as I could. I certainly didn't want to ruin the day, but I was hurting inside.
A few Thanksgivings ago my family was at my sister's house. I happened to have a bout of bronchitis, and my sister finally said to me..."you should live in a bubble, since you're allergic to everything" (she was smoking around me, and I had to stay away from her with the bronchitis). It turned ugly after that, and I chose to leave. Why do people feel it is their place to criticize you for something over which you have no control??
So, in answer to your question, my inventory of holidays of years gone by would be that I see one sad, lonely, unhappy, scared little girl who only wanted to have happiness and love, peace and caring from her family and those that she loved.
As I deal with this horrible thing, I NEED to acknowledge one simple truism. I did not/cannot CHOOSE my family. I do CHOOSE who I communicate with, open up to, invite to my house or into my world. I am learning to set my boundaries and stick to them - it's hardest to do with my family, the people who have known me the longest and EXPECT me to act in a certain way. I, through this program, am actively CHANGING, which my family can either accept and move on with me, or not accept and I still move on. It is tough. It is HARD WORK.
for yourself, myself, and the crew; we all ask
"Are we doing what is RIGHT, or are we doing what is EASY"
with love cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Tiger, as always you raised a very interesting point when I have been really struggling with all this Christmas holiday memory stuff.
I am worn out physically and emotionally. However, Christmas, according to my 7 yr old son was "The best ever -- great! Better than last year!" and my grateful husband hugged me Christmas night and thanked me for doing so much to make it happy for everyone - else. He knows how I struggle with the holidays. I have been working so hard to make it better for my children than it was for myself as a child and to give them experiences that will turn into happy childhood memories. I was hoping that doing so many things with the kids, that I could sort of re-live some of Christmas and create new memories to replace the painful ones of the past. And we have... made cookies together, cut down the tree, shopped together, saw Santa, the whole nine yards. It was great -- for them... for me, I still struggle inside with the tormenting thoughts and some depression.
Why? Why is it so hard to say "No!" to those awful memories? Why keep ruminating on the same hurts -- the pain of being ignored and basically abandoned by my father? Why do I keep hoping against hope that one day, he''ll care about me and our family?
My hubbie asked me the other day about happy Christmas memories and I told him I kind of remember one or two -- before everything happened -- I must've been about 4 or 5 years old. I can't remember other Christmases too much -- except for some painful ones. My counselor says it's because they were probably so uncomfortable for me that I can't remember them. I do remember being at family dinners at my aunt's on Christmas and feeling isolated from family, like being in a bubble by myself, no one really knowing me or talking with me. I also remember feeling like an orphan. My father had left us when I was 7 or so and my mother was in a disabling horrific car accident when I was 12, so I didn't really have a parent after that... and I felt like I was brought up being carted around here and there and not really fitting in anywhere. So, even while I was "there" at those holiday dinners, I felt invisible and I felt that they weren't for me since they were really for my cousins. I guess that left an imprint on my idea of the holidays -- of being invisible and of the holiday hubbub not being for me.
wow - that really sucks.
I think it was you, Tiger, who mentioned that you as an adult get to chose who's in your life and how they are in your life. I know as an adult, I have that choice too. Unfortunately, I don't have alot of choice in having to have my father in my life , however minimally, because I love my aunt and my grandmother (his sister and mother) who live just 10 minutes awy from me. There are family things I do want to be involved with because of them. My 7 year old also has had somewhat of a relationship with my father and his wife in his first 5 years of life and he wants them to be in his life. And, to be honest, I want my sons to know who their grandfather is and vice versa. Yet I have to figure out how to be with my father without feeling so hurt and anguished over him ignoring me and my children or giving us the minimum of what he has to give.
I know I should focus on me and doing what's right by me and my kids, and do "the right thing" by him -- I know I should let go of my expectations and be realistic about who he is and what he can give. I know I should stop hoping against hope that one day, he'll act differently toward me and my family. I know I should try not to be sad about the past and what I don't have with him and focus on what I do have with my hubbie and kids... and be grateful (I am grateful-- extremely!).
I think what I really have to do is train my mind to stop thinking of him, stop wishing, stop hoping, and stop remembering past hurts... and say "no" to them and re-focus my attnetion on the here and now and what I am doing. Am I fully present with my hubbie and my kids? Am I fully experiencing the various sights, smells, sounds, etc. of whatever I am doing? I am in control of my thoughts... and I have to choose to say "no" to those thoughts that pull me away. I have to practice doing that so that being in the present is more the norm than looking back on past hurts. I don't want to keep living in a bubble and being isolated in my head. I have to make new imprints on my mind about the present and that includes the holidays with my hubbie and my two boys.
The past is the past. It is what it is. And, it is done. I can't change what happened in the past.
But, I can change how I experience the present and I can change how functional it is and how I make it for me and my family.
I know I'm rambling -- I hope this makes some sort of sense.
Anyway, Tiger and ala-pals, thanks for the posts and the thought provoking ideas.
I hope you do have a happy day today (whether or not it is a holiday!).
) and not just because of the alcholism in my family. They didn't go to my school. They didn't swim. Their families weren't dead ass broke (they actually got GIFTS for Hannukkah!). 