The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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2moro is xmas eve, i haven't posted here in a while and i think i was trying to avoid it really.
the last time i posted i had an awful lot of anger in me..thats still there but has somewhat subsided! i dont know why!
last week i was on a work nite out and when me and a friend came out from the niteclub, my ex A (who i hadn't seen or spoken to in over 6 mths) was standing at the wall..he said he had a "hunch" i was gonna be there. i tried to ignore him and walk away but he kept calling my name, after about 3/4 mins of ignoring his voice behind me..i flipped...i started screaming and roaring obscenities at him, calling him every name in the book... its a wonder i wasn't arrested myself for being drunk and disorderly on the street. he was gobsmacked. i had him practically pinned against the wall screaming in2 his face... i lost the run of myself. i was quite alarmed at myself.
the next day he left a msg on my voicemai saying i had gone mad the nite b4 and he had never seen me that way b and what was wrong wit me... DID HE WANT A LIST???
anyway at the end of the voicemail he informs me that he is out of rehab and waiting for placement in a houselike MIP that allows them to work during the day and stay there at nite...strictly no drink or tabs etc. but that place wasn't available till january 15th... and guess what........... he had secured a place for xmas at the local halfway house...IN MY HOMETOWN..5 MINS FROM MY HOUSE.... back to where the police are looking for him for various crimes! oh lord...... the madness.
he arrived yesterday and spent the day getting settled. he asked cud he see me to talk over xmas..i said no. then he asked me if i had a spare hour wud i meet him for a chat and a tea. he said he has alot of apologies 4me and needs to say it face 2 face. now the thing is........ i was considering meeting him to clear away all the crap... but why am i allowing him to open old wounds.. and when my family heard he was back in the area..they flipped..telling me stay well clear and not to go anywhere near him.
why have i suddenly mellowed slightly towards him when i hated his guts last week...i still dont "like" him..or trust him..so why am i considering the option to talk for an hour. is it because his family want nothing to do with him? because he's alone at xmas? because i feel deep inside me that he doesn't have long left..as in staying alive or out of prison.... he will go down for about 7-9 yrs after what he has done..thats a certainty!
the confusion i feel towards him is makin me tired. i have resorted to the fact that we can never be together.. he knows this too... his exact words were "i know we are soulmates.but even soulmates dont always end up 2gether..no matter how much they want it"
its my decision not to go back to that. he says he respects that. i miss the old "A" the dry sober one.. and im afraid that i will nevr ever find that love with any1 else...EVER! that contentment.that utter happiness when we were together made me feel safe!
i dont know how xmas is going to pan out... or whats going to happen. thanks for listening guys...you are always here for me when i need you the most!
hope ye have a great xmas and a happy and healthy new year!
I think you've answered yourself -- isn't writing your feelings great?
Go with your instincts, they will lead you to where you need to be. If you decide to go, then you can go, and stay as short or as long as you DESIRE. If you decide not to go, serenity will stay with you, because that is a boundary you've made. You keep your side of the street, and he can have his. I think you are all over this like cheap wrapping paper.
Keep coming back
with love
cj
PS - soulmates: another term used by addicts to make us feel guilty
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Last night I was up late watching Christmas movies and I was feeling tired and sentimental. I got as far as holding the phone in my hand to call my ex (A).
In the end I (thankfully) dialled up my voicemail and listed to all the drunken messages on there from him. I felt suitably disgusted by the end of it enough to not call him.
I have been feeling today as you have descibed about wondering if I will ever feel the way I felt about him with anybody else. The wanting to talk just for an hour, to test the waters and see what he's up to, has he changed...
After reading your post I had a think about it. I had a life before him. Life was not over before him such that when he's not in my life I go back to nothing!
I have had break ups before with boyfriends and I thought I might not get over them too.
I was thinking about what you said about how you lashed out at him outside the nightclub. I have heard before that in a relationship even anger means you still have feelings for them. If you felt nothing, you didn't care then that means it's really over. I think about it like when someone passes away you often don't think about the not so good things about them anymore. The resentment or distaste turns to pity and sympathy.
I think for today I will try to think of my feelings for him like a eulogy - there were good times in the relationship as well as the bad. Let that relationship RIP.
Part of me feels resentment in that he might move on change and I won't get any of the benefits of that, I only got the bad end of the stick. I guess I just have to look at it as character building, and a learning experience.
