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Hi everyone. First I would like to thank everyone who responded to my post earlier. It helps to know there are others out there that have the same problems.
I just feel like venting today. My husband is not only an active alcoholic but he also has a problem with crack cocaine. To hear him tell it though he doesn't have a problem at all. He says sure he's smoked crack before but he doesn't do it all the time and can stop whenever he wants. Well here's the scenario. Friday night, a co-worker/friend of my husband's was over and he was talking about another co-worker of theirs. He was telling my husband that this other co-worker was with him and during the course of the day this co-worker ask him several times to stop somewhere so that he could get some crack. Well this friend refused to stop. Well I talked with my husband today and this particular co-worker/crack addict is with my husband today. Before I hung the phone up I said to him "Now don't be taking him anywhere you're not suppose to." It worries me because my husband has had a problem before with this and he has a pocket-full of money. I know that I can't control it, didn't cause, and that I can't cure it but it doesn't stop that sick feeling that I have now. Some days I just feel like I don't want to have to deal with an addict on a daily basis. Worrying whether he is going to use or not doesn't seem worth it at times.
Thanks for letting me vent. I needed to get that off my chest.
I can relate a lot to what you are saying, that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, worrying about our A's...
Last year my husband had to go on a business trip. Things have been bad between us for a long time so I was actually looking forward to it. Alanon has taught me to detach a lot and not do things for him he should do for himself, so I let him make all of the arrangements, rather than do it for him like I usually do. I reminded him to do things though, and sadly he needed the reminders, but at least he did it himself.
I told him what time we had to leave for the airport and told him why. I was ready, he was not. I was fuming but did not say a word, it was HIS trip, he is a grown man, if he misses his flight it is HIS problem. Then he waltzes out to the car LATE and announces that he must stop at the bank in ANOTHER CITY THE OTHER DIRECTION!!!! I tell him we already may not make it and NO WAY would we make it then. I start to point out alternatives...he shoots all of them down. I say "then lets not waste the gas to go, you will miss your flight, I am tired, I am going back into the house". Finally he says OK, we will try it your way and we go to a local ATM also out of the way, but in the same city.
I realized then that he does need help, his brains are scrambled, and I worried about him going to Boston alone.
I gave in to the enabling thing a bit just to get rid of him, I wanted a weekend without a loud mouthed nasty drunk controlling the house with his screams...peace.
I told him which ATM to go to and on the way to the airport I called them and pleaded with them to try and hold the flight a couple of seconds and get them to let him on when he would be really really late for security. They said they could not guarentee anything but would start the background check, etc, as we spoke to facilitate things...
I am telling you had I not helped him pull things together he would have missed his flight.
He barely made it.
He called me from Boston DRUNK! I felt like I was going to throw up from anxiety, I was not there to look out for him!!!!!! How could he???? Sheesh, he could not even get his act together when sober and now he was so drunk he had trouble speaking coherently far away in a strange place...
I worried so much that it was hard to breathe, I started asking him PLEASE not to drink so far away from me, when I could not look out for him, he told me to shut up and mind my own business, that he could "handle it". HA!
Well, that is what we have alanon for...
I came on chat and talked about it and those there really helped me to see that I needed to stop worrying about a grown man making his own choices, that it was my turn to RELAX and enjoy him being gone.
It was not easy...
But I did it.
I actually ended up having a fun weekend without him.
I'm in the same boat. Everyday I that I go to work I wonder if my b/f is going to be drunk before noon or if he'll be passed out when I get home. I keep wondering why I deep doing it. There seems to be less and less relationship between us. The other day he was passed out and I got so mad that I cut up his ATM card. His bank is out of state so that is his primary means of getting money for booze. Since his checks are from an out of state bank and his ID is out of state, it's hard for him to write checks in most stores. I was mad at myself for reacting the way I did. But this worring is pushing me to a point where I'm verging on hating him.
I can only imagine the stress that you are under since the money that your husband is spending or might be spending) on drugs is also yours. Hang in there.
Worrying whether he is going to use or not doesn't seem worth it at times.
You know what? You're right, it isn't worth it. The reason is that he will do what he will do, whether you worry about it or not. Whether you spend the rest of today tied up in knots over what he will do, or whether you decide to focus instead on your own life, will have NO impact on whether he uses.
There are things you do have power over, and thinking about THEM actually can do you some good. If your money is in a joint account with his, for instance, you can think about maybe finding another way of doing things. If you are depending on him to, say, drive you somewhere tonight, or look after the kids, or in some other way you are relying on him, you can think about a plan B, in case he's too high. If there is no practical move that you can make right now to protect yourself from the results of him using, then every time your thoughts go in that direction, just say the serenity prayer, and wrench them right back out of that track.
Easier said than done, I know. It really is the only way, though. My husband is also a crackhead, and I know. He has been clean now for nearly four years, but I know that he still feels the pull. The only useful way I found to behave while he was using was to assume that if he COULD get high, he would. Then I wasn't disappointed. Thankfully, he was not too bad to deal with when he was high, so it was only the sadness at seeing him kill himself slowly, and the worry over the money that he was using to do it, that were the problems ("only"!)
A crack habit is a hard one to break, you may find that you need to leave him to protect yourself. In our case, oddly enough, it was the thing that saved him - I think that if he had not picked up that habit, he would have gone on drinking until it killed him. However, the crack habit scared him enough that when an opportunity came for rehab, he grabbed it. Sort of an "every cloud has a silver lining" thing.
Thank you for your post. I used to have that sick feeling all the time. It's sad to say but since my A has gotten worse and I have started focusing on myself that sick feeling has decreased (actually that is a good thing for me so maybe not so sad to say ). I surrendered to the fact that if he has a chance to use he most likely will, it is part of his disease. Just knowing that has eliminated that will he won't he gut feeling .... the one that makes me feel like I should be doing something to stop it. There is nothing we can do to help them only to help ourselves. the upsaide to helping ourselves is that it gently forces a change in many people around us, sometimes even our As.
What helped me most while learning to let go of those sick feelings. Saying the Serenity prayer, over and over usually while I walked, I kind of got heartbeat footstep tempo to it eventually. And wore out 3 pairs of shoes ... lost weight and feel great. Keeping busy, cleaning, lots of cleaning ... remodeled the business I work for, parts of my house. And movies I lost myself in lots of movies, last Christmas I watched "The Incredibles" at least 8 times during an extremely difficult day. Prayed, cried and found a way to forgive so I could move on to better thoughts. It's not easy. I wish you the best. Keep taking care of you.
I always said that I knew my AHsober was going to addict before he did. Sick feeling in my gut. And then I would watch him and sure enough he was into his addiction. Now who was sicker? Me! I would say posting like you did helps. Let it out. Give it a name.
In my experience of that horrible gut thing... gads I did not think it would ever go away. It is anxiety.
I have a med for it, but rarely use it. I learned to take deep breaths. As I take in a breath I lift my abdomen at the same time. It helps bunches, also I think about letting it go. sorta blow out the pain. Also i drop my elbows that also drops my shoulders.
Sometimes I go away on a fantasy. Like go for a walk and look at the sky,smell the blackberries in the sun, see my silly dogs tearing around, hear birds and see the horses in the pasture. walk on and see the pond and then go on and on.
Back in the old days sweetie I used to go into the chat room and tell others this thing I mean tell them how to breath, drop elbows helped them relax, then went on the walk and tell them. I would stop and they would say, go on go on... lol
this is naughty but I did this a lot when we used to smoke the green stuff and go walking.....I would have us walking up inclines and down slopes....was so real.
Anyway that is how I got rid of that horrible pain. Also I got rid of the A, which really was the horrible pain..in my neck in my butt. hahahaha
the A disease I hate though, not my A. sigh still love him more than anything and I doubt I will see him alive again.
). I surrendered to the fact that if he has a chance to use he most likely will, it is part of his disease. Just knowing that has eliminated that will he won't he gut feeling .... the one that makes me feel like I should be doing something to stop it. There is nothing we can do to help them only to help ourselves. the upsaide to helping ourselves is that it gently forces a change in many people around us, sometimes even our As.