The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been taking an inventory of my last relationship and trying to own my side of the street, as it were.
For me, what I can see is now, in hindsight, is that growing up in an A home left me very unclear about what even very basic boundaries are.
I can see now that boundaries are to protect me--my time, my money, my spiritual/emotional/mental resources. Boundaries are to keep me safe, nurtured, and protected in the short and LONG term.
However, without knowing what boundaries really are or how to protect them, I found I gave too much, too quickly, and for too long.
Once I gave up my boundaries, it was very hard to figure out again where they were (were or were have my boundaries gone, where or where can they be. LOL?).
For example, I moved in with my girlfriend fairly quickly, left the neighborhood I loved without a second thought, moved to the suburbs without a car, and just generally did not take enough time to figure out whether all of these changes I was making would WORK FOR ME and the KIND OF PERSON I AM.
I find I need a lot of time to SLOW DOWN, LOOK, LISTEN and LEARN to really feel out if a situation is right for me. I find I also need time to reevaluate what's going on and figure out if it's still working for me.
I find though, that I need to be gentle with myself. It does not help for me to beat myself up over all the boundaries I let go.
I find, too, that I most often break my own boundaries FIRST. AND, because of this, any time is a great time to practice enforcing my own boundaries with myself. So, even though I am now flying SOLO, I can still notice and practice my own boundaries.
I have slowly and gently been practicing making amends to myself by setting the following boundaries for myself:
I have been practicing (and not always succeeding--but practice makes perfect!) setting financial boundaries for myself--how much I can spend and on what in a given month as well as how much to save and/use towards debt.
I have been practicing setting a work schedule for each day (what I will do for each hour of my work day) and then following through to complete the tasks as I indicated on my time schedule.
Enforcing these boundaries with myself is hard work! I often falter and it is truly a ONE-DAY-AT-A-TIME kind of a thing. I often have to remind myself, "You've gotta have boundaries, baby!"
Noone can do this work for me and its often very difficult it means that I am constantly up against challenges like noticing that I say yes to a dinner out (that I cannot afford) because I don't want to disappoint friends or because I don't want to own up to how seriously strapped for cash I am, etc. But, one baby-step at a time and I am getting there.
Just wanted to share how I am making the program work for me!
Those dang boundaries are hard to figure out to set up! What is realistic, what is not. What is me trying to control someone else, and what is me trying to protect myself!
Sounds like you are working it out! Thanks for sharing that with us!
Thank you so much for posting. Yup, yup yup. Boundaries are something I've had to learn about; I had no info about them til al anon. And it's taken me a while to figure out what is "normal" behavior and what is unacceptable, and then to figure our how to actually set the boundary so that it is about what I want, what I'll accept for me, and what I'll do if the boundary is breached. So, it is like what David said, to try to keep the focus on me and my life and my behavior, and the whole " What is me trying to control someone else, and what is me trying to protect myself!" -- cause all I really want to do is to take care of me and be the best me I can be. But cracking the code has taken me some time -- and I still get confounded about how to set my boundary in different situations ... just yesterday in fact!! But, I am running across more people who understand boundaries and the subject comes up ... and they share their wisdom with me. I love this program!! SO, know you are not alone on this journey of figuring all this out. You know, I've wondered why somebody doesn't just write a little cheat sheet on this kind of stuff and give it to every kid in first grade or something -- rather than being like me and having to wait decades to even know it exists and has a huge impact on my life - and is something that I really need to figure out!
I love this too! I will think this as a gentle reminder to put me back on program when I have a slip in the future. I think it will make me smile at myself and not take things to seriously. I was thinking though Bluecloud...Do you have a tune you put this to in your head? I could sing it to myself...now that would make me smile...You would understand this if you heard me sing LOL. Thanks for sharing! Your post sounds like you are making some great progress!
Good for you! You sound great and that you have a good understanding of and are making progress on the things that work for you! I'm inspired by your post - very encouraging and insightful way to look at boundaries.
