The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
At present I am finding it hard to detach with love. I refuse to speak to my ex-A at present as I can no longer deal with him on any level. I could honestly not send christmas cards to the As in recovery as I am not in that place yet where I can accept the misery that alcoholism brings. This year I refuse to have any alcoholic members to Christmas dinner. It is the first year I will have ever had a dinner without an alcoholic at it. I did by a candle in support of families with alcohol related problems and I am staying single, not acting out and trying to stay in reality. This site really helps me as I see how well other people do in situations which are a lot harder than mine and I am proud to be a part of the insight that others bring, it fills me with a lot of comfort. I am beyond anger with my ex-a and quite honestly feel better off without such negativity in my life. I lost a baby through his vicious anger and my own stupidity in trying to reason with a drunk ten years ago and its really only now that I can come to terms with that. I do try not to be judgemental and don't say anything anymore but many people are alone because of As and no-one is out there sending cards to them, they have to get up by themselves, am I being unfair?
I don't think that you are being unfair at all. Not having A's at your Christmas is good if that's what you want. It's just like with children, if they exhibit bad behavior, they are removed from the social setting. When they can learn to behave responsibly then they can come back. Have a Christmas that YOU enjoy. I applaud your decision & wish that I would stand up for myself and do the same.
Last weekend my A b/f and I went to have dinner at some of MY friends' house. Of course he got drunk - not obnoxious but enough to behave inappropriately. While watching a movie he kept trying to put his hand up my skirt. Then he was rubbing my boobs and rubbing his face on my chest. (My 15-year-old daughter was sitting on the other end of the couch while he did this). He would not listen when I told him to stop so I finally got up and sat on a dining room chair. Later (when he was sober) I told him that if we were going to go out that he should at least act like an adult & that we weren't 15 and at some high school party where that was considered acceptable behavior. I don't know if he got it or not.
So keeping the A's out of your Christmas keeps you from having to deal with this kind of crap.
I am sorry you have had such a hard time. The honest truth is that we are all in different places in our recovery. Empathy for A's in recovery is not a requirement for you to have a happy life.
For me I find that if resentments are present, the purest form of happiness is still a goal and not a reality.
I have my Father who is 25 years sober to help me with the difference between an Active A who has buried themselves in the disease and someone who is taking what control they can muster and attempting recovery.
Some Alanon members go to open AA meetings with an open heart and attempt to see in the members what it really takes to attempt sobriety.
Recovery is a gift from HP that is available to all, but only accepted by a few. I am so grateful that my Father worked to have his gift.
I am not at all trying to say you don't have a right to your feelings. You very much do, and more than that I find your A-free christmas admirable. If that is what you need for serenity then I admire the courage it takes to make that happen for you.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
A big part of recovery is knowing yourself well enough to recognize what you need, and having the strength to do what you can to get it. If keeping A's out of your life is what you need for serenity right now, then it would be crazy to force yourself to spend time with them just because you "should".
Maybe at some point in the future, you wil find that you want to release old resentments, and let forgiveness clear your own spiritual air. If and when that time comes, that will be soon enough to work on gaining acceptance.
For many of us, after so many years of living with the A's fancy footwork and smoke and mirrors, we don't even know what we want, or who we are, or what is what. It's a big step, and an important one, to learn that "Because I want to" is a good enough reason to do something.
What I'm hearing alot of is, actually, there seems to be a great deal of "external expectations" that you somehow feel and that you're shaming yourself for not meeting them.
About the Christmas cards---There are people I only know because they send Christmas cards: if they didn't, I'd have no earthly clue of their other wise existence. The other 11 months of the year, they don't call, don't write, don't have the faintest connection, but to "be polite," which is to say, rid themselves of the guilt of not having an authentic relationship with me, they send me a Christmas card with a Walton style family pose.
About the dinner party--you're throwing it, you're the host. You have jurisdiction about who's gonna be there, how long it's gonna last, what the menu is, what the desired dress is gonna be (hell, it could be a Christmas costume party if you really wanted it to be!). This IS your party, so it's up to you to make it a success, ask for help if you need it, and be honest about your boundries.
Now, about the bigger question I don't think you are asking, "How do I deal with these residual memories, feelings, and resentments about people that are recovering alcholics, people who I know who are alcholics in active disease, and other feelings I have about the family disease of alcholism?" The basic, no nonsense answer is Time. As you work through the steps, with a sponsor, you begin to see many of the old ways of thinking become prejudicial blocks to forming a complete relationship to god, one that would allow you to serve in a humble, humane manner. Actually doing service work with a home group--setting up the chairs, making coffee, cleaning up after the meeting, et cetera--will also give you a prospective about humility. I also recommend you pray--for the well being of those you feel upset about, and for your own well being.
If you do not have a sponsor or are not going to face to face meetings, I strongly suggest you do so immediately. Being with people who are working on their feelings about their loved one's disease will help to give you prospective about your own, and help reassure you about the freedom that the steps offer. Additionally, a sponsor will give you a person directly who will challenge you to grow and change your prospectives and become a person who feels safe not only in her own skin, but around every1's skin. I also recommend you go to AA leads to hear how people felt themselves lose themselves to alcholism, the disease and, through gaining humility and prayer, gain a sense of themselves back.
