The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't know when in the steps that I learned to work on forgiveness, but it is such an important tool. The hurt that the alcoholic causes is sometimes unforgiveable, I thought. Now I know that it is important for ME to forgive them in my mind and heart, that this is for me, not for them.
My mom was an alcoholic for years, left us when I was only 14. She kept in touch very sporadically and then began partying with us kids before we could drink. Of course we thought she was the coolest... then through the years my anger built up. How could she have loved us so very much and then abandon us and leave? She was more like a party buddy then a mother to us. Whenever I came to her with a real problem, she shrugged it off, really was not "there" for me.
When I began to work the steps, I realized that this anger at her was hurting me so much, making me ill with resentment and pure hate. It has taken a couple of years, but I have forgiven her. She is getting older, and I see in her face and how she acts the guilt she carries with her. It is horrible. I want good times with her now. I have planned a trip together, just she and I, for her Christmas present to show her that I really love her and want to spend time with her. I want all of those bad feelings and bad times to just flow away now. Life is too short. We went shopping together Saturday and had a real good time.
Just a thought on how forgiveness helps YOU, not necessarily the person you have resentments toward. Our lives should show an example of love and hope, even to those who have wronged us. We are all of unique experiences, and we sometimes are so sick we don't realize how deeply our actions have affected others.
I think for me forgiveness has come with a great deal of time, an extensive amount of self work with the steps, and God only knows how much prayer.
Being academically schooled in Roman Catholicism, and raised in an Orthodox Jewish household,the concepts I had of forgiveness were very skewed. They seemed to be based really on an idea of "if you don't forgive this person for how they screwed you over God will hate you and send you to hell. Already you're screwed, but this'll make it worse!" So really, even though my parents were doing unheard of, unexcuseable things, somehow I was supposed to be "the bigger person" and "get over it." In reality, and I was only able to come to this when I really began working the steps, getting into the literature, praying, and working with my sponsor and an outside professional, was I able to make the connections that what was going down in my household was abuse and abuse is forgiveable after a certain point.
And this is where I think a certian amount of time needs to elapse for forgiveness to be genuine and to stick. I really, genuinely, honestly needed to GET ANGRY. BE ANGRY. STAY ANGRY. And process through the angry. And you know, as soon as I had processed through the angry, and it was darn near a WHOLE YEAR, I felt better. I felt at peace. I felt the surrender and the wholeness this program offers. I felt like I had OWNED my anger and how I had genuinely gotten screwed. And I didn't need to BE ANGRY any more. I was done. I was ready to look at my anger, look at my situation, look at my life, and I don't want to say "get over it," but move past it, certainly. Move beyond it, most definately. Move from this space of living in hate, rage, indifference, and absolute self loathing that spread outward (I mean, no one could be happy if I wasn't, that was for darn sure) to a place of living in the solution One Day At A Time.
You know today, I'm still working on the anger on alot of very specific issues. I'm looking at it, though, from a more adult, mature prospective. For example, I'm looking at the feelings of the incest. There's a lot of anger there I've unlocked. And I'm looking at the feelings of growing up in poverty, and again, alot of anger there. But again, the more I unlock that anger, the more relief I feel. The more peace I feel. The more surrender I feel. There's no need to go out into the world on a rampage and HATE EVERYONE. HATE EVERYTHING. HATE ME. And whatever part of my memories I haven't found a way to "forgive" necessarily--I mean, I've still got ALOT of "little Sarah" issues I'm working on--I'm learning very quickly that God can take care of them. Those are PERFECT, OPTIMUM, EXCELLENT God opportunities for me. That is the BEST time for me to turn to God and say "I can't do it. The feelings are eating me alive because they're so big. You do it."
And some days I'm better at this than others, I know when I'm physically ill I'm not good at this, I know when I'm just all emotionally unbalenced I'm not good at this, I know there are days when I'm just not on the ball. But I know also there are days when I've got an invisible teflon shield up, and damn, ain't nothin can stop me.
You are so right. The difference between forgiving someone "to let them off the hook", and forgiving someone so you can release your resentment, prepare yourself to open your heart back up and be able to love again .... is night and day.
What a wonderful post for today. I really needed to hear it.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Until working thru my 4th step, I never realized just how much anger, judgment and guilt I was carrying over the decisions I had made in my life. After all, I had grown up around problem drinkers, how could I have been so stupid to marry one? How could I have been so naive to fall in love with an alcoholic/addict?
I never realized how much I hated myself and blamed myself for the things that had happened in my past. I see now that many were out of my control.
I learned to say "I, like the alcoholics/addicts, was doing the best I could with what I had" and now I work on making better choices with my HP's guidance.
Forgiveness - it is a very healing process.
Great topic - Thanks Heidi.
Let it Begin with me,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
This is one area I need to work on. I am not filled with the anger and resentments I had at one time. I really don't feel hate or one bit of anger, yet I can't get myself to forgive my A. I understand this program, and why we are to do this. It's for me. Only when I look at it, I just can't. I know it's not giving him an out, only he would take it that way. All is well kind of thing. It's not well. (and I guess I'm not either.)
Forgiveness, hmmmm. I'm going to have to revisit that one. There are just something, and it doesn't have anything to do with control, holding it over the A's head, or anything like that. There are just things that leave scars that don't go away.
Oh well, I'm a work in progress. Hersh I hope there'll be a day I can share a post like yours.
I hope to be able to write what you have written one day. That would be a great achievment for me, one I aspire to. However, at the moment, my anger and resentments are to the fore. I'm trying my best to "go through" this in order to find recovery eventually.
It seems to me that we all find our ways to recovery in individual ways. In some areas I am strong, and in others I am not very nice to be around at the moment. I find great encouragment in seeing that there is a way forward though. Seeing how people like yourself get through it.
My Dad is an activeA still. He's getting old now though and can't seem to be able to consume as much. I see a lot of guilt and fear and disappointment in himself in his face in the rare moments we are together. We don't have much of a relationship and this saddens me. Maybe I need to forgive. I thought I had, years ago. Maybe I need to go through it again. I don't think I have resentments towards him now, just sadness at what he has lost.........Sorry Heidi, I'm making this all about me.....
I just wanted to say you are lucky to have refound a relationship with your mom. I hope you can both enjoy each others company easily now. It is truly a gift.
