The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i haven't been here in a while. my ex has been hanging around here with the kids and my old patterns have come back full force. he's sober working his program but i have let my boundries slide. and i am mad at myself. very mad. i really want to re-direct my anger towards him but that would accomplish nothing. i re-established a boundry with him last week and i felt so great! but then i let it slide again. he asks to stay after the kids have gone to bed (which is my boundry--- the kids are asleep, he leaves) and i say ok so as not to hurt his feelings. then i'm just pissed because i get nothing accomplished because i have to sit here and entertain him.
really, who cares about him. it's really about me and living the life i want. i just need to state my boundries clearly and then re state them if i have to and live with whatever the consequences might be. he might abandon the kids again, he might become manic and stalk me, i might have to call the police and get a restraining order. i have done all of these things before and i do not want to live like that. but i will do what i have to. i just wish he would drop off the face of the earth. then i could just focus on myself with none of his insane interference. lol, be careful what i wish for i know!!!
in the meantime my obsession with my best friend and her baby waned then grew. i don't care if she bottle feeds or nurses. the baby is allergic to formula so she's been forced to nurse him. but they went to a specialist today and they said he can have this particular formula that has no milk or soy in it. and that his baby acne is actually caused by her breast milk!!! lol, whatever. she lies like that alot. but still, she was at a party yesterday with all of us longtime mothers of more than one, all of us breastfed and she sat there and tried her damndest to say that all she was going thru was completly unique and that none of us had ever been as sleep deprived, never been as fat, never had a baby that cried as much, never felt as nervous or scared or wierd. so, pretty much every mom there said oh no, we can totally relate! and it gets better! a few got on her case for trying to wean him at 4 weeks old and she kinda stood her ground but when i piped up with "it really makes no difference how you feed him, it is just accepting the fact that life has changed for ever and you will never be who you were. once you are ok with that then everything just seems to go more smoothly" i knew that i should just keep my mouth shut. i don't feel like i am comming from a place of love with her so i think i should just pull back from her and the whole situation until i can get a handle on my feelings and approch her and her husband with love and no judgement.
i am still very sick. my mother is a whole nother story!!! hope all is well with everyone......
I have been wondering about you! Been feeling weak lately, thanks for reminding me that sometimes none is better than some. I had an interesting weekend, I'm gonna post about it. I emailed you a few times and never heard back. I think I'm gonna send you my number and when you are feeling weak or like you need someone who understands you can call me. I know it only takes a moment of weakness and you slide back and then you feel like you can't say no you can't change your mind you can't do differently tomorrow what you did today but you can! Gonna pm u my number now. Stay strong girl!
So glad you are back posting. I can really relate, how we want to think it would be easier if they would just disappear from our lives. The question is why do we continue to try to control what they are doing yet say we want them to disappear? hmmm...
For me I just had to admit that I'm getting something out of this sick relationship too. It's warped I know, but for me to be so obsessed, concerned and yet sick of it, I had to finally look at it really honestly. And I am, in a warped way, getting something from continuing this strange relationship w/ my A.
For me, I've learned that it really is my choice, and it's in my control to participate or not. To establish boundries, but not go back on them. To say what I mean, even if I'm afraid to really mean it, and not say it mean. It just depends on what you want, and whether or not you are really ready to let go of what was to move forward. (maybe it's just not time to move forward yet.)
It's just not easy is it??
((((lots of hugs to you)))))
p.s. I nursed both my babes -- wouldn't have done it any other way. Natural child birth for both and one came breech (yes Ouch, lol). I seem to feel more strongly when I hear a mother talking about "having" to be medicated during birth, than about nursing. But they aren't me and I just bite my lip and stay quite. I try to remember we are all different and not one of us has the right answer for every situation. I'm sure your friend feels under the microscope knowing all of you have been mothers for a while and she's just starting.
Wow I think boundaries are huge work. I no longer beat myself up because they dont' necessarily come out right.
I've been there done that with various friendships. A friend recently ended my friendship with her ostensibly around my relationship with the a. She said I should just get out of it. My friend has numerous really obsessive, difficult relationships I would never insist she get out of them.
I have done a lot of homework on what I got out of various obsessive relationships and that was really all I knew how to relate. I do need people in my life but not where there is tremendous conflict.
One cue for me to detach is when a lot of feelngs come up. I know what I got out of some of those relationships and it was really good and bad for me. The management of them was a different picture.
