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Post Info TOPIC: it's tough to break up with someone you love


~*Service Worker*~

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it's tough to break up with someone you love


Hi everyone,

I recently broke up from my Abf and have a nice place to live by myself. I know I am very lucky, and I do count my blessings. I miss him a lot though.
He's still drinking whenever he has money, and seems to be happy with this.
He says he wants to stay friends, and if I'm honest I would like this too, but I don't know if it is possible yet.
A woman he once dated rang him up a few weeks ago and I know he's talking to her...or whatever. This hurts so much. I feel as if I was replaced very easily. I asked him about this (I know I shouldn't have) and he was dismissive. He said I was making a big deal out of nothing. But I know they're in continual contact. And I can't talk to anyone about this.

I know I have no rights over him and should have no expectations. In fact it was me who left him. I felt I had no option but to leave considering the drinking situation. He actually told me clearly that he would drink until the day he died, and that drinking came before anything else in his life. He was very plain and clear on this.

But, he's taken away my dreams. I was nieve and misled, and I feel lost. He says he loves me and cares about me. Sometimes I think he does.

I know I'm probably just going through the motions of grieving the loss of the relationship, and loss of my dreams and all that. And I'm beginning to see how addicted to him I had actually become.

It hurts so much to do the right thing at times. Can you please pray for me through this. So far, this has been the toughest part of breaking up.

I very much appreciate you all being there.
AM

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2188
Date:

Annmarie, I know your heart is hurting, and I understand. Hang in there. It takes time. That's the great healer. Meantime remember; he has a right to pick up and go on. You do too. Best of luck to you. I wish you happiness in the new year.

Diva

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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata


Senior Member

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Posts: 332
Date:

stay tuned.....there will be new dreams along shortly.


You may even laugh at the tought of what those OLD dreams had instore for you , but never happened.  Your new dreams that lie ahead, could be the ones you have truly been waiting for.  I know it hurts bad right now.  You deserve so much more than what you are getting and I am sure you find what you really deserve.


In love and support,


Ziggy



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ZiggyDoodles


Senior Member

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Posts: 169
Date:

I want you to know I am at the piont where I am seriously thinking about how happy and peaceful I want my life to be, with or without my A. But the thought is difficult. I have grown accustom to relying on him for too many things. I want to be able to do this on my own.


I have to say horray and God bless you for taking care of yourself and your own recovery. YOu are a wonderful example to someone like me who is still in the middle of it. My A seems to act and show signs that alcohol is more important to him than anything. I know he may not admit it, but we know. Don't worry. You will be all right. I believe this may be a learning, growing experience for you. Who knows? Someone may come to you with the same issues someday, and you will have that experience to share. From what I have read in these posts. It is a growing experience. No time limits (unlesss there is abuse).


Have faith. You are right where you need to be.


Even though I am not a veteran member, I thought I would share my thoughts anyway. God Bless you and keep you.


I am fearful too, but you are courageous. You made that step.


Don't give up



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This is HippieTrippieChick Signing Off Be blessed and have a wonderful day. Remember God loves you. PEACE


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3223
Date:

annmarie,
you are right, you are grieving, but not the man especially, but the dream. We become victims of the disease when we let them take our power, our self worth and rob us of our dreams. He doesn't even love himself, let alone someone else. You've absolutely have done the right thing for yourself. You can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves. You can still have your dreams. Consider this a life lesson. Now you know what you DON'T want. You didn't get married or have children with him, that's a blessing you can be grateful for. Alanon can help you to understand why you chose this person and what steps to take to choose a healthy relationship in the future. Give yourself some time and a pat on the back for recognizing what you needed to do for yourself.

It'll be OK Again
Christy

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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them.  And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 504
Date:

(((Annmarie))))


I am so sorry for your pain.  I know you are hurting real bad.  It is so hard to deal with the loss of a relationship, even though you truly did the most loving thing for you and for him by letting him go.  You know, Christy was right.  He does not love himself, therefore he isn't capable of loving anyone else.  The way that you deserve to be loved.  You set a great example of caring for yourself.  It is probably the hardest thing you have ever done.


I am praying for you to find peace, to heal and to find serenity on your journey of life.  Try to attend many face to face meetings and help others.  I know when I am hurting the most, trying to help others brings me peace and makes me forget what I am going through. 


I am sending love, hugs and many prayers for you....


Love, HeidiXXXX



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~*Service Worker*~

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((((((((((((((((((((AnnMarie)))))))))))))))


I can Identify with you, I have loved someone for a long time. We have always been friends. But recently the friendship took a different turn. We are now having an Intimate relationship of a kind. Your post made me realise something tonight. I having been living In a fantasy, a dream world. I wanted the man, the happy, cosy life, the happy ever after. And I think I'm now descovering I am Not going to get it. I too am In pain, and Its hurting me so bad I am at a loss of what to do.


One part of me Is saying "Let Go", this will only get worse. The other part Is telling me to "enjoy the moment". So I can see where you are comming from.


I wish I had the words for you, and then I could help myself also. I only hope and pray the suffering does NOT last too long with you.


Your In Recovery


Ally



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~*Service Worker*~

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Annemarie, I remember how horrible what you are going thru hurts. Ya cannot get away from it. I remember thinking when will this feel better? Just went on and on.


i know we have said it before, but it sure helpes. To care for yourself. Make sure you have what you need, I mean the basics. You may have to force yourself into doing things you used to enjoy. It will feel hollow at first. But it reminds you sub conciously who you are and what you like.


Get movies you like, get lost in them. If you can, look down on you from above, what do you believe would make that lady feel better? Does she need a couple kittens to make her laugh? A dog to care for and take for walks. I know for me,caring for my animals makes all the difference.


sometimes i am just going thru the motions, most times i am taking in the sweet scents of the hay, seeing the horses wooly bodies and their breath in the cold.


I clean my house and look in the windows from outside and see how homey it is, not just an empty lonely place.


I allow my body to sleep if it needs it. Make myself go for walks. Moving around does help.


The pain will go away, it is right now. I always write how i feel in a journal so i can go back and remember how it felt to feel good or sad.


Last July when my AH played his last game with me, it thru me so far down. To have him loving me in word and on paper, i let go and allowed him in and I believed him. As I said, I felt like a puppy who had been loved and cared about and protected. Then kicked as hard as can be.


It took me months about...4 and a half. It has been maybe 3 or 4 weeks now I have been ok again. I wondered if I ever would be. I did raise my anti depressants. I know the exact day and second I felt better too. Isn't that weird?


I was emailing my friend I was so down. But I told her, I have my hp. I know it will be ok. Just have to go thru the hard stuff to learn. Went on how my hp has never let me down, how I do not worry, then felt this like switch go on and I was ok again. It was like I reminded me I had hp, and yet before this I knew it, but forgot to believe it.


Like ya know cheesecake will make me sick, I know that, but i may eat it anyway.


Then I get sick and it is brought back home, oops I believe it will make me sick and NO way am I touching it.


I now know A kills me, I believe A kills me and I know it for sure.


Anyway if you have friends and family go see them. I know you feel alone sitting there. But sit there. In time you won't be so broken.


Let people hug you, ask for hugs. Tell people you have broken heart.


As far as him loving and caring for you, as much as he can do those things, I believe him. I know my A is in love with me as much as I him. NO question. But they are very very sick. To love a drug more than a human is sick.


He does not care about any other woman. The thing is, you choose not to be in his hellpit with him. He knows where he is, until he gets very very sick sick to where, he might think,"wait a minute this is awful,losing control of bladder and bowel, barf everywhere, headaches, alcohol sick, cirrosis" I do not want to feel like this anymore"...


sometimes they make it sometimes they don't. sometimes they get well enough and feel so good,they think they want one drink...and back they go down the pit, right where they left off.


Sorry this is so long. Have you gone into the chat room? I was in there so much when the A left before. It got me thru. The people were so wonderful.We were on till all hours, laughing and joking. Of course we got it together if someone needy came in. But the laughter helped all of us to heal. I have two friends still from then, years ago!


much love, and maybe,if you can, do not concern yourself with him at all, no calls no nothing. The more you contact or he does, the more it hurts. Get yourself stronger.


I know even now if I saw A it would kill me. So I don't.


love,debilyn 


 



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"If wishes were wings,piggys would fly."
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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 511
Date:

Thank you all so much,

I have good friends in my life and a good family. I know I am lucky. But sometimes it's impossible to talk to those people about whats closest to your heart. And I rely on you and you never leave me to pain alone. I very much appreciate your words and gentle guidance.

I know I have made the right decision at this time. I had to walk away and will not be changing that, I know. It's just the pain of break up is so hard to bear.

debilyn, please don't apologise for a long post, I found great comfort in you words and I know you are absolutely right in what you say. Thank you for taking the time.

and Diva, I know you are so right, he can pick up and go on. This is so hard for me, but I did need to hear it. I have been reminding myself of this since I posted. I have to let go, and I thank you for pointing me in the right direction.

You all make a big difference in my life. You are all in my prayers as ever.

Today, I am busy. Crazy at work and my gorgeous little nephew has his school nativity play this evening. He's an angel.....aaahh!! So, I'm going to see him later. My A called me last night. We had a few minutes of polite conversation. I know I must break ties completely, but ODAT, babysteps....I think I'll leave that till the new year. I won't see him anyway, we're both busy this week.

I know I'm a bit jumbled at the moment, my thinking is all over the place. But, I am a bit stronger today. I think I have my reasonable head on today!!!!!

Love to you all
AM



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3656
Date:

(((((((((((((AM)))))))))),


I know how much this hurts you.  I wish I could take away the pain you feel.  Always remember that you made this choice because you it was best for you.  You had the courage and strength to do what was best for you.  It may not take the pain away, but I always found that when I reminded myself of this it helped me get through the tough moments.  Give yourself the time to grieve and heal.  Be extra good to yourself.  You are so worth it.


Unfortunately alcohol will always be their main focus.  If this woman thinks that that will change she will be sadly mistaken.  Unless they are ready for recovery, it will never come. You were ready for yours and that is why you made the choice you did.


Love and blessings to you.


Live strong,


Karilynn & Pipers Kitty


 



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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
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