The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new to this board, and just started posting. But I've been reading a lot of things that sound like I could have written them...
I left my AH almost 3 months ago. Took my 3 kids (now 7-1/2, almost 6, and almost 4) and moved in with my mother, about 45 minutes away from our house. He's been through detox and a short term rehab twice since Sept. 1. Most recently, he was arrested 2x in a week for shoplifting booze. My kids know he's got a problem drinking beer, but not about the arrests.
This is the first Christmas without Daddy living with us. (Though he's hardly been "with" us after the presents were opened other years.) It's going to be a very lean one, given our present situation and this may seem like a silly thing to be thinking about. There will be a present under the Christmas tree for each of the kids from my mother, a couple for each from Santa, and one from Mommy - or should it be Mommy & Daddy? AH is not working, has no money..
The kids have seen him 3 times since 9/1 (the youngest a little more, since she's been with me.) I don't want them thinking he doesn't care because there's no present. And my son is apt to take it that way. I'm not suggesting getting a separate gift and putting his name on it, just adding "and Daddy" to the present from Mommy. Or is this just another way of enabling? I'm pretty sure putting "and Daddy" on a tag would annoy my mother, but I'm thinking of the kids right now, not her and not my AH. Any suggestions?
You go ahead and do what you think is right for you and your children. Being the first Christmas might sting a lot. As time goes on and his disease progresses they will quickly realize the truth.
Is it enabling? Probably so, but you are going to have many, many more opportunities for them to learn the reality of his disease.
This is just my opinion. We say here "take what you liked and leave the rest," meaning we all will have differing opinions. You use the one that suits you and your children best.
The good news is you have found us. WELCOME!
yours in recovery, Maria123
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Yeah, my feeling is that it probably is enabling, but so what? In the grand scheme of things, pretty minor. What you want to aim for, eventually, is to not be in the middle of the kids' relationship with their dad - not sugarcoating him, and also not preventing them from having whatever their true relationship is. This is easier said than done, though, because your main focus is probably on protecting the kids.
When I look back at my actions during the heavy drinking years, when the kids were small, my heart was always in the right place, in this regard. I wanted my kids to feel that it was OK to love their dad. I also wanted to protect them from the worst of his actions. However, looking at it from the perspective of a few years of alanon under my belt, I see that often, my heavy handed interference didn't really do anybody any good. A lot of the time, I made a situation worse. I also robbed both sides of the right to have thier own relationships, freed from my 'managing'. My husband loves his kids, but isn't really all that close to them. Some of this is his fault, from his disease, but some of it is mine, even though that's not what I intended.
Do your best for right now, and don't worry about it too much. Sometimes we are just not ready to do the absolute 'right' thing, so we do the best we can. Whatever you feel the most comfortable with, done with loving motives, will probably end up fine.
Please do not worry about annoying your mother. The decision is yours and yours alone. Mom will get over it.
My suggestion...not advice...would be to include Daddy's name on the tag. That's only fair to the kids. To excude his name just might leave the kids thinking, "Well, not only does Daddy drink too much beer...he doesn't even love us."
You and yours have a happy Christmas. Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I agree, If you weigh out your Mother's anger to the possible life long damage of a child feeling unloved...there's no comparison. (and I'd explain that to her gently). I think it would only be enabling if you were doing it for him, but you aren't.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I agree with marie, do what is best for you and the kids. If you kids are like mine they will be ripping into those presents so fast they won't remember what was from who! LOL
i agree wholeheartedly with christi... that's my 'guys' perspective... you are not enabling him. you are doing right by your children. they, soon, will know the truth of it all, anyway. they will know that you have struggled and kept them safe and loved. Mom will get over it. I think that including his name is a gesture of kindness, to your children.
with love cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Thanks for your input, folks. The kids are just falling asleep now after a wonderful Christmas Day, following a wonderful Christmas Eve.
Yesterday I took them to visit Daddy, and he was sober. They were so thrilled to see him, and he was obviously joyful to see them. We went out to lunch (they're little - eating at a fast food place or the take out stand at BJ's is still "out to lunch or dinner"). While we there, we gave them a couple of small gifts - a pair of slippers each, and a Wendy's Gift Card. Both were from Mommy and Daddy. They each gave Daddy an inexpensive t-shirt I had picked up for him. Then we went to Target to pick up a few things and together, they picked out a $10 coffee maker for him.
I definitely made the right choice. They got to spend time with Daddy on Christmas Eve, got to give him a few presents - which he definitely appreciated - and they got something from Daddy. As far as I'm concerned, everyone won. We had a few tears when we had to leave, but since they're on vacation, and he's not drinking at the moment, we'll visit again during the week. Then we were on to a Christmas Eve party with my family that we've missed for the last four years, in large part due to the drinking. The kids had a wonderful time with all their cousins!
Have a blessed Christmas night - what's left of it, anyway. And thanks for the support.
