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I have needed to post but latekly the pain has been so much that I couldn't.
Many of you know the story of my grandaughters living with me now.
My oldest grandaughter, who i have had since a baby, she's 17 now; decided week b4 last to just not come home at night, showing up in the morning to dress and go to school. We told her this is unacceptable behaviour ... then she continued doing it and last Sunday showed up around noon Sunday and packed her clothes and left! When I asked her for a reason she told me she was tired of pretending to get along with me and could not stand being anywhere around us . she was angry all the time and just wouldn't stay here anymore. In Texas kids can walk out when they are 17 and you can't force them to come home, but you are still responsible for them till they are 18. she will be 18 in January.
Most of her anger goes back to last year when we disagreed with her choice of dating a 22 yr old convicted felon (meth) on parole. She felt like she totally loved him and it's all my fault. It seems that boy and his mother are constantly harrassing her now. They are evil, cruel people. But, she still had such strong feelings for him.
The other grandaughter is here (14) and doing quite well, but her mother has never come to visit, although she says shewill...just never shows up. She was supposed to be here this morning and still hasn't shown.
I am working my program the best I can, and I realize there are things here I cannot change. However, my heart if broken. I am fighting the depression. ....serenity to accept the things I cannot change change and the courage to change the things I can.
I ask for your prayers during this time.
Irish There more to the stories, but you get the gist of things.
I am so sorry about your granddaughter. You and she will be remembered tonight in my prayers and I am sure in the prayers of your friends here on this site.
Take comfort in knowing that you gave her all your love and wisdom for many years before this turn of events. Somewhere deep within, she knows that you have loved her and been there for her when her mother/father could not be. That must count for something.
I am so so sorry you are taking the brunt of your grand daughter's anger. I feel like I always take the brunt of the A I live with's anger. He can never ever be directly angry with his mother. He is angry with me instead, day and night night and day. He behaves like a teenager in an adult body most of the time. I know how tedious that gets.
I hope her temper tantrum will abate in time. I would imagine she will find it hard out there and realise some of what she had. I hope so.
I know you have done the best you can and who can ask for more than that.
Being a parent / grandparent is the toughest job in the world, especially when you have custody.
Being 17 is really tough too. I so admire you for sticking to your guns regarding the meth/older addict. Sometimes our kids/grandkids hate us. It's a fact of life. I hope she sees how much you have given her sooner than later.
Just keep being there for her. Love her when she comes to visit. Love conquers anger and resentments. And soooooooooooo enjoy your granddaughter who's with you right now.
yours in recovery, Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
((((((Irish))))),,,When you are 17 you know everything! We as parents /grandparents/guardians etc,,,know nothing. They think we were never that age. I know how difficult this is for you now, but you have set your boundries and she will come to her senses in time.......we all do. For now be gentle on yourself and remember the reason for the season, and find some joy with the other grandaughter and other family members..........Wishing you the best.......gardengal
Hopefully there will be some happiness for you during the holidays. They are too young to know but you can't tell them that. Youth is wasted on the young so they say.
I know you must hurt very much. I can tell you, your g daughter did not leave becuz of you, she left becuz she is very mixed up. She believes leaving the situation things will be better. She will find out, she took all the crap with her.
can you imagine how she must feel? She won't believe anyone loves her or cares if her own mother doesn't . I know you love her and did your best, however, people all have problems if mom and or dad throws them away.
She will pick low lifes becuz she feels she is one. Until she learns to love herself, things will be very difficult.
I will say if it were me, I would get her, bring her home and have a serious talk.
She needs you to be strong as she is not. Let her know what she has with you, what the boundaries are, say I love you, then go on. That you are family and you are strong for her and you will listen no matter what it is.
yes she does have a choice. If she chooses to really leave, tell her you still want her to call and come see you that you care. She will probably go out there and find she is lost and wants to come home. But do not give her money or deoderant or food or anything.
She cannot have both worlds.
I would not tell the kid or kids mom is coming. If she does great, if not, they don't know about it.
I am so sad you hurt. Must be heartbreaking. You may want to tell yourself I did my best I will always love her.
One day she'll grow up and wise up and realize that you were great. You just have to let her do what she's going to do at this point. Just like with the A's. You can't control her and she will learn on her own. Focus on the one you still have!
She came by yesterday and let me have some of her Senior pictures...which cost me a bundle I might add. We went to her band concert at the school.
Later she came by and finished loading up all her things from her room and left. I told her how much I loved her and that she couldn't have both worlds.
She left .... and I was a basket case.
The good Lord gave her to me right after I had had brain surgery and the doctors said I wouldn't live ..... but she was my biggest reason for living and I'm grateful for that.
I can't pretend I'm not hurting deeply ... I allow myself to feel the feelings. Yes, I do have this other grandaughter, but I'm too old (mileage) to go through this again and my health will not take it. This one's mother did come over yesterday and says this is temporary...we'll see.
The point isn't why she left, Irish. What kills your heart is that she DID. There is not much you can do, true, but you can be there when she comes to her senses and discovers that the world is a big ugly place for a 17 yo alone. That's when you can reach out with loving arms, welcome her home, and start anew. I wish I could say some magic words that would erase all this pain and anguish. Alas, I cannot. But take comfort in the fact that you have done all you can for these girls, and have given the love that they otherwise would not have received.
I'll keep all of you close in my prayers.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I can certainly feel your pain! I was in the same boat with my daughter, who turns 19 in just two weeks.
She wasn't wanting to go off with an addict, just her boyfriend, who doesn't use or drink. This was last Jan., right after she turned 18. She thought that since she was now OFFICIALLY an adult, she could do what she wanted to do. He was just a junior in high school, she was a senior, and she wanted to go live with him and his dad, because she had it soooooo bad here at our house. I told her she couldn't do that, called his dad, and told him that I FORBID that to happen. He said he didn't have any idea she was serious about it, as she had joked about doing that, or so he thought. He said that was NOT going to happen as long as he was alive. (She had originally told me that his dad had said she could.) I told her as long as she was still in high school, I was still the boss. Even my sister, whom she looked up to, talked to her about respecting me, and how good she (my daughter) really had it here at our house.
We literally lived a hell from then til this past Aug., when I kicked her out. Imaging the shock on her face when I told her she had to leave. She threatened to live in her car, to which I said, if that's what you want to do, then I can't stop you. She was literally begging (in her own way) to come back home, and finally I agreed, only if she agreed to the house rules. Any adult has to live by house rules, wherever they live, I told her. I would not let her in my back door until she understood and agreed to the rules.
Things got better after that day...then she decided to move out into an apartment. She was beginning college by this time, and thought she could make it on her own financially. I helped her find a duplex just four blocks away...the landlord was someone who knew my husband's family...and he charged no deposit, and said if she decided that she couldn't do it on her own, to let him have a 30-day notice.
Fast-forward three weeks...she called me and said, I can't continue to do this...working 5 days a week as asst. manager of a sandwich shoppe, taking 14 hours at college, and living on my own. And then, crying, she said, I just wanna come home! I said, calmly, ok, you know the house rules...
She is back home, working a few days a week (she quit the asst. manager position, is just an employee now), and still in college, thankfully. And she is still seeing the same b/f she has had for all this time. I think she realizes that she had it EASY here, and that it wasn't all THAT bad...lol. She is also adamant about finishing college. I am thankful that she chose to come back home and stay in college, rather than to quit college to be able to still live on her own and work.
I try to let her do her own thing, for the most part, but she still has to follow house rules...i.e. consideration for us, a curfew of 1 a.m. because we still have to get some sleep, lol, and just plain ol' be nice to us and we'll be nice to you. She has her room upstairs, which is really like a little apartment, so she spends her little bit of free time at home up there. I leave her alone most of the time. At least she is safe...
I still have to remind her occasionally to watch her attitude toward me, but it's really quite bearable. I tell ya, it was really hell from the time she turned 13 til just last Aug, when she was 18 1/2. In that span of time, she tried to shoplift from Walmart, she and a girlfriend snuck out of the girlfriend's bedroom window to meet up with four guys (three that they didn't know) and go to a wild party, had sex with a boyfriend at age 15, come up behind me with her hands raised to hit me (I called the police, they came and talked to her about respecting your mom, lol), got caught smoking pot several times, totalled my paid-for truck (that I worked soooo hard as a single mom to buy and pay off)...you name it, I think she's done it.
So yes, I feel your pain, I can totally relate. You may not see the end of all this mess, but I can tell you that it is there. I never would have believed that, but I am here now to tell you that it will come. Painful as it may be, it will end at some point.
Hang in there, hard as it is, and don't give up on the girls. They need the stability that you are trying to give to them. Work your Alanon program, it helped me a lot.
Love to you,
Kathi
P.S. Five and a half years of hell will wear you ragged. It's finally better. I think I deserve a medal of some sort...however, I am quite exhausted mentally!
It's finally better. I think I deserve a medal of some sort...however, I am quite exhausted mentally! 