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I am very concerned and confused. My husband has been sober barely 6 months (since July), and tonight... I have learned that he was drinking. I don't know/think he has been on other nights in the past 6 months, but I knew he was tonight by his behavior. He was very strange and I could smell it on him... I asked him if he had been in a kind way, I told him "it seems like you are" I asked him "would you tell me if you were" he assured me he would etc. He kept acting like he had been... looking like he had been. I knew something was up. When we got home, finally, I got away from him and finished my school work. He passed out on the couch... I know I shouldn't have but I couldn't help it... I went through his pockets (he had undressed) and I found the receipt for beer. I knew he had been drinking when I picked him up (he lost his license to 2cnd offense DUI) and then while I was in one store he stayed outside to have a cigarret... he took forever, and know due to finding the receipt I know that he actually went into the grocery store and bought a beer and chugged it before he came into the store with me.
so I am very concerned. I do not know what to do. I'm thinking about writing a letter to him to read tomorrow when I am not home, just saying that he does not have to lie to me anymore... I am not asking because I know he was drinking. but then, I don't really know what to say.
I need a meeting so bad... but there isn't one until sunday and I'm new in town with no call list. He also used to go to meetings regularly (from july to end of september he went 4 times a week, I had been going since May twice a week until the end of september when we moved)
I'm so confused. I'm scared too... in November I found out that I am pregnant (with our first child)...
do I leave? what do I say to him? how do I not enable him? I am in need of some wisdom...
This must be pretty rough, probably on both of you. I'm sure your A is not pleased with himself either. Some might say to detach and roll with whatever comes your way since there is nothing you can do about it. I know it's hard to let them think they got over on you. But what does it really matter? You know the truth. If you feel like you need to discuss it, then do what makes you feel better From experience they are so ashamed they don't want to talk about it at all. Maybe since yours has been to AA he may be different.. My husband had a few failed attempts before and lied also. I figured men aren't much for long letters but I did leave a note once that said "I know you'll do what's best for you" Neither one of us mentioned the note but I knew he saw it. Somehow it made me feel better at the time. I wish I could tell you that he didn't drink anymore after that but I can't.
I guess you have to ask yourself what your motives are in discussing it. If you do nothing but offer support, that's different then telling him because you want him to know he lied.
Take care and keep coming back Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
thank you for responding.... I really need to hear this. I did write a note, and left it where he'll see it tomorrow. its one page, not tiny writing. and I said that I know he was drinking, that he need't lie about it, that I'm not asking... because I know he was drinking. that I know it must be hard for him... especially this time of year. That I am going to a meeting on sunday and that if he's interested in going to an aa meeting, I'm sure there is one at the same time and to let me know if he wants to go... that I hope he finds his way back. that I can't control him or his behavior, only my own. I think I need to leave the letter, and while it does let him know that I know he's lying... more importantly I want him to know that I know he is drinking again... and that I am going to meeting again and that I hope he'll go back too.
I'm not sure what, if anything, it will do... I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I leave before he'll be up and tomorrow we have Hanukkah dinner so I am supposed to come back and pick him up to go to family dinner...
I do know, that with a baby coming... in this situation, I feel it is imperative that I get to a meeting... I know I must be able to take care of myself, and have the strength to do what's necessary to care for myself and my newborn baby... I need the strength to say no to certain behaviors, if not for myself, then for my child. and right now, I don't have that.
need meeting... have to wait and rely on readings, my HP (are you still there?), and on message board...thank you for being here.
Thinking of you and sending you a hug. I am sorry you are going through this. I too just went through a very similar incident this week. I thought we were in the clear, and then I suspected and I found 'the bottle"....I grieved for two days and finally took Step 1 - I am powerless over alcohol. It is good you acknowledge it and even better that you are taking care of you and seeking out meetings. I am so sorry for you - I know it is disappointment and so painful.
Keep coming back -we're always here for you as is your HP.
Welcome! The lies are always hard to take. It is a cunning disease. Take care of yourself and your child. Keep coming back. No one can tell us to leave or stay. Our HP has a plan for us.
The A I live with has always lied. I think the lies are as hard as any of the other self destructive behavior because trust is gone.
I do know this time of year is very very hard. They have AA marathons because so many people relapse. Maybe he will get back on track and go back. I do know that I need al anon more than ever at this time of year. I joined this group this time last year and it has been a lifesaver for me.
My b/f lies on a daily basis. Swears up and down that he hasn't been drinking, or that he just drank a little bit. Eventually he fesses up about it. Not that it matters because I know the truth. I can always tell by his voice if he's been drinking at all.
With my A, I see that he really dislikes himself when he can't control his drinking - which is most of the time. So he lies because he doesn't want to upset me (or disappoint me) - and because he doesn't want to admit that he's out of control. I try not to take the lies personally but it's hard. It makes it hard to believe anything that he says.
It's all one step at a time. The posts here help to deal with things in a more functional way. Sometimes it works, sometimes you slip back & let things get to you.
