The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was thinking how much it sucks that we have to accept having the expectation that people will fail, not follow through, lie, cheat, steal, and all the other things related to this disease. I mean this as assuming that these things will happen rather than assuming they wont as you would in a relationship with a regular non A. Why does it come down to the fact that we must always assume and prepare for the worst? If I were to take my A back, I could never again have a joint bank account, go into a joint credit venture, count on his paycheck from one month to the next, count on him to care for our children, and this list could go on and on for eternity. I hate having to assume the worst. I have come to the decision that he's never going to get better now and even if he does it won't last.
If it were me.....do I have to accept the fact that I may fail. I have to turn the focus back to me and keep it simple. Just work on today and not let myself think whether I would fail or not. My expectations of others including myself are premeditated resentments.
In some senses, yes, people will fail me. But in other senses, no, no one has failed me. It is prudent that I remember that when I try to build reality around my needs, my expectations, my perceptions, what I'm really doing is being selfish. I'm being immature. I'm not thinking in the solution. Having said this, it's not irrational for me to work with what I have to work with to change my perception of reality: what is it, really, that's keeping me from acceptance? what is it, really, that is triggering this reaction? is this a bad memory I'm seeing from my past that's upsetting me? is this an old feeling I've never processed through? what is really at stake here?
Your post caused me to think a bit... We are programmed to accept and expect the norm. We have preconcieved expectations of how a normal marriage/ parent/child should be, the status quo. When we get something totally different, no one has told us what to do, how to deal with it etc. We are totally floundering. That alone starts feelings of insecurity, let alone what the A can add to it.
If we somehow knew what to expect from alcoholism, like we do other diseases, we would know what to do and what not to do from the beginning. This is no different then any other disease, there are certain symptoms that almost all of them have. We know a treatment for cancer is Chemo, For diabetes- insulin, for infection-antibiotics. We know what to do to help someone with those problems.
But... the disease of alcoholism is different in that there is no medical fix. We have to fix us instead and that certainly isn't the norm when someone else has a disease. Had we been knowledgable and been prepared we could have chosen to use Alanon principals in the first place or walk away. It sure would save a lot of grief wouldn't it?
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
almost, except i think i'm going to be a better person because of al anon... not just better than when i met my wife, but better than i was period. life lessons... to life, cheers, i'll drink from that cup
cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
People who don't have control issues like those in alanon just walk away. They don't become enmeshed with the A and their problems they say hey what's this? See ya! and they walk away and don't look back. We become sick because we don't or because we live in a constant state of chaos and insecurity (never knowing what to expect or being able to rely on someone). I know I'm getting better, I don't fix anything of his anymore.
Last week to be nice because he didn't have anywhere to stay and it was freezing I sent him 100$ out of his house money before the check cleared but I could have easily just said no. I know now that it's a choice. I helped him because I still love him as a human being, I just don't like him as an individual but like I told him on the phone, I don't hate you, I just don't want to help you anymore.
Speaking for myself, I became sick with anger. I didn't do what I understand is so common.... I never thought it was my fault, I didn't think I could control or fix him and life was fairly easy to predict, especially the drinking. I knew without a doubt that he would come home from work and drink until he could barely walk to the bedroom to pass out.
I sought out Alanon because I was sooooo pissed off at him that it was poisoning me. So I have had to work through first accepting my anger, because I tried so hard to keep it at bay. I have done that, now I have to work through it. Listing my resentments has helped a lot, especially in identifying my part, finding where I have been wrong. It's like that Alan Jackson song, "I'm a work in progress."
Carolinagirl, I agree with you 100%. I guess the tenets of AlAnon are lost on me because I cannot accept the rhetoric that one can focus on one's self in the midst of chaotic behavior that leaves a family in upheaval. You are right; I cannot ever have any joint interest with my A. I even went to far as to divorce him so that I could not be held responsible for any of his actions. I think to stay around waiting for the ax to fall so that I can be dragged through his mud as a jointly liable party is just nuts!!
Like you, I am getting better...if only because I have the good sense to get better. Not because I rely on slogans to get through the bad times. I rely on the way I was reared, the grit of my soul, and the solidness of my stock to show me the way.
Because of my atitude, I have been told by someone on this very forum that I am angry, resentful, and sick. Angry and resentful? Yep, I admit to those feelings now and then. Sick? Don't judge me, and don't cookie cutter me.
So, dear one, you have elicited a response from me this morning that is from the heart. I sincerely understand where you are coming from, and you have every right to come from there.
I have the writing, "Desiderata" on the wall of my computer room, and I read it every day. I DO strive to be happy. Although I tell it like I see it here on MIP and at f2f meetings, I am a truly happy person who loves each day God gives me. All that being said, I am off to the Wednesday morning MahJongg game to enjoy the fellowship of my friends, and to have some good laughs.
Take care Carolinagirl. You are finding your way.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Diva wrote: I agree with you 100%. I guess the tenets of AlAnon are lost on me because I cannot accept the rhetoric that one can focus on one's self in the midst of chaotic behavior that leaves a family in upheaval. You are right; I cannot ever have any joint interest with my A. I even went to far as to divorce him so that I could not be held responsible for any of his actions. I think to stay around waiting for the ax to fall so that I can be dragged through his mud as a jointly liable party is just nuts!!
(((Diva)))
This is kind of what I was talking about. You said the tenets of Alanon are lost on you re: focusing on yourself. Then go on to say how you have protected yourself. You already had that instinct going in, maybe that's why it seems lost. Alanon didn't have to teach you to take care of yourself. Gratefully, I was the same in many ways. Although I did learn many techniques from Alanon and came in at a pretty low point... but never did the alcoholic take my spirit or pride or make me believe I was "less then". Call it stubborn, whatever, but I knew I'd never give in to it.
I think that focusing on ourselves can give those that get beaten down (mentally and physically), told that they are worthless etc. a starting point to recall that "self" is most imporant in the chaos. Without that focus a person might drowned in the chaos and give up. They may not know to take the steps you have like no joint accounts etc. In Alanon, focusing on self is self preservation in many instances.
Like CJ said, he's a better person for having come to Alanon, and I still say...Wouldn't it have been nice to have all the information/instincts BEFORE we got tangled in alcoholism. Some people just KNOW, others must learn.
p.s. (((Diva))) Your attitude is exactly why you have a strong sense of self, know who you are and what you wll tolerate. Perhaps the person that judged you wanted that too. Hurt people, hurt people.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I think I get where you are coming from. When I first sought out alanon a little over a year ago, I was increasingly irritated that people seemed to just assume they knew all about me, that I needed to be taught how to like myself again. I said "What if I never stopped liking myself?" I got no answers. Finally, somebody told me the only thing I can tell you is to take what you like and leave the rest. From that I got "take what you need and leave the rest" so that is what I am trying to do. I don't find the CAL literature all that helpful, so I seek out other sources. I do find the stepwork helpful, and I love this message board. Some things I don't relate to, some I do. I look at it as a sorting process, like when my kids were babies and somebody would give me a huge bag of clothes. What did I do? Sorted through, kept what I liked, got rid of the rest.
The thing is we don't have to accept it if we don't want to and you are proving that.... you said, he is not living with you......you have what you need....that is a step....you are taking care of yourself.....and heck, even helping him out.....great job...
I do so understand your post....my husband has also, lied stole, cheated me out of money....took whatever he could carry out of my home.....just all of it...anyway, I have not lived with him for a while now....do I still love him yes....can I live with him...no... I as well just need some peace of mind....
For me, living in addiction was making me crazy.....I was litterally going insane.....I am finding my out of it every day...it is lonely....at times......but it is peaceful.....keeping you in my prayers....
My sponsor was always famous for asking "what has changed"....what it ammounted to was that as long as the alcoholic had not changed anything, than my expectations of him could not change (which were much the same as yours are). If he had changed his drinking/lifestyle...than the equation would have changed. If he makes a major change you can reevaluate....
The other thing she always said was "one year" They had to stick with the change for one year before it could be considered a change. Three months didn't count.
Her wisdom still helps me even though she is not with me anymore.
I know absolutely that trying to change the A was almost the death of me. I did not accept he had issues for years. I nagged, cajoled, forced, harassed and raged at him. Not one thing changed him it changed me into a monster though.
So I don't see "accepting" him as necessarily a failure. I see it for me at least as a win. I stopped focusing on him and put the focus back on me. do I worry about him, yes but not the compulsive obsessive way I used to. Do I expect things to get worse for him probably.
I can also see progress for me. The less enmeshed I am with him the more perspective I get about his relationships and more. I also get a perspective on why he is so tied to his mother (who does zero for him) and how that may never change.
I do think it is very very sad that some people never hit bottom but at the same time my own bottom with codepednecy was a very low one. I wound up practically bankrupt, depressed to the point of paralysis and unable to do anything. I am eternally grateful for this group.
