The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One thing about my A is the huge all or nothing view of things. This weekend he seemed to go way overboard on 12 stepping people. I know this is part of the program and I want him to do what he has to do to stay sober, but to an "earth" person looking in it's a little unnerving. He tried to take two guys to meetings this weekend--one is an old friend who is very bad off and will die if things don't change soon, he threatened to tackle him and throw him in the car. The other one is a crack addict and alcoholic, but is in denial about it. He says he is doing o.k b/c he can control it. I know these people need help, but I worry about what will happen if my a keeps (in my way of looking at it) hounding them. I am afraid he will become depressed and slip, I am also afraid of too much time spent with the crack addict (since that is my husband's drug of choice) I think he could only fight that demon off so long. He made these 12 step calls by himself--I just see all kinds of trouble in that.
I was upset last night. I told him so and I told him why. Mainly fear--what coulds and mights. He got his feathers all ruffled and was mad b/c his sponsor was also upset with him for this and he got on his high horse--this is what God was calling him to do. (Which may be--who am I to step in)
I just don't understand the huge swings these As can make!!
Sounds like born again sober, huh? I don't mean to make light of it. As an outsider to your situation, he will either drink/use or he won't. His success or failure in doing for his friends what nobody could do for him would only be a reason if he lets it.
Obsessing on someone else and their faults is what my AW is best at. In my opinion you expressed your concearn for his wellbeing .... and the rest is up to him and his HP. I would feel the comfort in knowing I didn't ignore my feelings, and I did what was the right thing for me, and said something.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Many newly sober A's go through an evangelizing phase. 12th step work is essential to recovery, but there are many ways to do it and everybody has to find his own way. The main rule I've heard is to never go on a 12th-step call alone. There are a whole bunch of reasons for this, most of them obvious. It's usually not hard to find another recovering person to go along.
I have done a bit of everything in service work, but never too much of one thing. My sponsor pretty much led the way for me in that regard. When he thought I was ready for something, he would nominate me for it. So in turn I got to chair meetings, be secretary, treasurer, GSR, as well as do an institution meeting for a while. All good, but I never really did it alone. Looking back, it was what I needed at the time.
It's also very tempting to try and get friends sober. In large part because sobriety and using/drinking are not very compatible in a friendship. Gee, we Alanons should know that! So newly sober A realizes if he stays sober, and friend keeps using -- there isn't going to be a friendship anymore. One of the sad realities that sobriety brings - sometimes we have to get new friends.
I didn't really have to let go of any drinking friends. I didn't have any. Every friend I have today is someone that came into my life after I got sober - whether they are part of the program or otherwise. To say I was a lone drinker is an understatement.
I know exactly how you feel.....my husband is also a crack addit/alcoholic....crack addiction is the worst thing I have ever ever seen.....
I will tell you from experience there must be a bottom, for him as well as yourself....how you will know when it is your bottom.....you will just not be able to take it anymore....
My husband, went from a man who had a good job, well respected member of the community, youth coach....good husband.....good father....to a man who I can honetly say lived the lowest form of life...he lost his home, famiy, job and still took him a few months to try and find a way out......
I wish you some peace of mind, dear friend.....this disease loves or cares about nothing...and when addictics are in active addiction.....the only thing they see is the next hi..........
I guess I wanted to ask you, so what? That is his thing, not ours. We cannot control what you described anymore than if he uses.
I would get my feathers ruffled too if someone was watching me and judging if I should do this or that.
If he asks you, sure then tell him. But his sobriety is his, the same as if he chooses to drink or more the disease gets him going again. It is not our inventory.
We cannot change anyone. So maybe look at it as how can we change ourselves to not be concerned about their behavior?
I am surprised his sponsor acted like that. But then I don't know what was said either.
All I know is my A worked his litte cute butt off for many hours, came home,took a shower, many times together, with me saying,"Don't look at me!" lol we had a good meal, sat in our double recliner, held hands and watched tv... while he snored. lol I did not say honey we never do anything, or you always sleep now. or you work too much.
I was so glad he was ok working so much, in fact he thrived, I loved he came right home and enjoyed his food now, and he was there with me in his robe, sweats and slippers and smelled like sweet cedar no alcohol and there were no tracks on his arms.
And I loved a naked man in my bed. I know that sounds weird. But when you have been a widow and celibet for so many years it is pretty trippy. I would wake up and say that all the time. There is a naked man in my bed!!
dawn I just reread my post. I meant it to sound more loving. I was NOT putting you down. I too questioned why about a lot of A's stuff.
My post was more what I ended up teaching myself. my experience.Sounded to me like I was taking YOUR inventory!!!! lol
much love, and yes they are a caution. Mine was tunnel visioned, only one way to do stuff. He built a deck where ever he built one the same. He would make a fenced in area it was square. I put up an area and made it round just to bug him. lol lol
But he said becuz he needed things simple,he wanted to keep things the same, understandable, so it did not stress him.
Maybe if you ask your A, "honey so what makes a person so determined to take others to AA?" I mean that is what you really want to know isn't it? NO put down, no judging him.
Geez A and I went to that What Dreams May Come movie,isn't that it with Robin Williams? When he sees Skippy his dalmation and it is a tender moment... my A gives out the most gawd awful snore. lol lol omg makes me laugh right now....hahahahhahaa
snort haha love,debilyn who just loves her A `memories
before we can take step 4, though, we must take step 1...
we are powerless over alcohol ((possibly add in)) and all other people - that our lives have become unmanagable.
i wish i wish i wish so much i could tell me wife to go to AA, go to rehab, stick with the program, get better, and return to me sober and in good spirits.... i wish i wish i wish.
with love
cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Thank you so much for all of your support, and words of wisdom!!
I really am so thankful for his sobriety and I in no way want to get in the way of what he has to do to keep sober. I did tell him this--although we know how everyone tends to pick and choose what they hear come out of someone else's mouth. I'm so glad he goes to his meetings, he has friends from AA he calls and talks to at night, he has someone to hang out with on the weekends! My only concern that night was that he was alone doing a 12th step call. But I know I can not control what he does--I don't really want to!!! I told him I was upset b/c I was afraid, I tried to let him know that I knew it was my problem-my fear.
Anyway his sponsor and another man who has many years of sobriety talked to him about it yesterday. I didn't say anything else. I read my Paths to Recovery book and tried to focus on me!
I love my A with all of my heart. Yes, I wish I had more time with him sometimes, but I will take little time with him sober over the little time I had with him drinking/high any day!!!!!
Debilyn--my favorite time of day is the night!! I know what you mean. When he comes to bed and puts his arm around me, I just sigh!! I thank God for him and what I am learning everyday.
