Well... I have had some GREAT couple days. Though, I am afraid as soon as I say it, write it... whatever... that things will turn sour again.  My 'A' has come to grips with the fact that at this point in our relationship he can not move back into the house until he makes some major changes in his life for HIM!  He has even stated that he understands why I have done what I have done and in a sense it makes him love me more....  I have tried to figure out what that means, but in the end I really do not want to read too much into what he says.  I will take it at face value and appreciate the enlightenment he has come to since he has been couch surfing for the last two and a half weeks. 

We had a nice alcohol free weekend together this weekend.  (My son was with his biological father this weekend.) And it felt so nice and I wished that it was always this nice... my 'A' has even been calling me at night to check up on my son and me. Something he never did when he was living with us.  Though I am trying not to be suckered into the nice guy routine... I have seen this before... he will do everything I want him to do... I will take him back and within a week or so he is back to his old game... he has alot to prove to me and to himself (<----first and foremost).  

I swear this is such a sadistic game that we play on a regular basis.  I try not to bring up the past as I know we are trying to move forward, but it is hard not to revert to what he has done in the past.  I am trying to put my faith in him and let him follow through with what he has said he will do before I jump on him or jump on the task myself, though it is hard when he has let me down so many times in the past...

I guess the last bit 'o news is that my 'A' is applying for a job in Alaska.  When I heard this the 1st thing I worry about is... is he moving there, what about my son and me... is he leaving us for good... HOW SICK AM I ... I need to step back and realize he has to do what he has to do for him... NOT FOR ME... though he stated he is doing this for US in the long run.  The money they pay is good ($15,000 for 3-4 months) and he wants to be able to come back to us a new man and able to take care of me and not the other way around. 

Though all in all... we are taking baby steps forward and NOT taking gigantic steps backwards.  I think for the 1st time in our 5 year relationship we are both on the same page... as far as goals we have for our future.  It feels good that maybe this is what I needed to do to let him see that I love him, but I can not live for him anymore.  I am trying not to get back to my old way of thinking... "when will he mess up again..."  I have actually put a little (very little) faith in him.  He has said he would take care of a few things around the house for me... and low and behold when I came home Friday night from work he actually DID them!  I was so happy and excited!  It felt good!

Well... thanks to everyone for listening to me on my bad days and also sharing my good days with me...

All 'da love ~ Messy