The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Good morning. This is my first post on this site. I have been out of touch with Al Anon for years, but find myself in the place of needing a safe place again. I am feeling very out of control and am having difficulty dealing with my daughter, and I question how much of this is her living out my dynamic with her father, my husband. She keeps putting herself in relationships where she essentially gives up herself to people who are unavailable, either by choice or by circumstance. Then she is devastated when it doesn't work out. She and I have never openly discussed the situation of her father's alcoholism. We just seem to kind of pretend that we don't see it. Of course, as she is older, I recognize that maybe this is not the best way to handle it. She idolizes her father, and I always felt like to take that away from her was unfair, but I also am getting more and more concerned as I see what she is doing in her personal life. Does anyone have any suggestions on the proper way to sit with her and openly discuss what I see, why I believe that this is a result of compensating, and she and I form a plan of how to help her? Or is it better for me to try to start working the steps again myself, because I absolutely was a more in control person at that time, and might be better able to help her? Thanks for any suggestions, Cindy
Welcome to MIP! Your situation is by far not unique as I am sure you know. You don't say how long ago it was that you were active in Alanon, but it is always a good time to help yourself.
My oldest son was 21 when I came to the program 10 months ago. I too see many of his behaviors being an extension of this family disease. He was definitely affected by the A'isms he lived with for half his life.
Today, I talk with him in terms of how I need to handle situations differently than I used to. How my thinking became distorted over the years. I don't particularly say '... you have this or that problem', but I can already see him changing a bit just from the understanding of why things are different now than they had been in the past.
I don't know your family, or your situation enough to really answer your questions directly. I wouldn't even pretend to be qualified to do that if I did. But using the program tools and going to meetings and posting her alot, I have made some good clear decissions for myself that I am comfortable with.
There is a chat room here that you can talk with people more interactively, and meetings in the chat room as well. The link is in the upper left hand corner of this page.
Again welcome, and I know you will find this place safe and informative. You are not alone, and we are here to help each other.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Of course she's devastated. She's devastated she couldn't change them.
Because she never got the attention she thought she could earn from her father by doing "just this something different," she's shocked to find herself in the same situation with the real world. If you were to survey what the young lady did in her life to gain her fathers approval (I'm serious--sit with a pad of paper and a cup of coffee, all those extra cirriculars weren't just for college!), she set herself up for various situations where on Day 1, Daddy was just so proud of his little girl, and on Day 2, Daddy could've cared less. This sense of powerlessness, this sense of self defeat was so crushing, she keeps repeating the cycle. "If I dress this way..." "If I say these things..." "If I act this way..." "If I do this when I sleep with him..." (Him being the guys she's dating of course). She has never made the connection that because Daddy couldn't truly love himself, he couldn't honestly connect with her at an emotinal level that needed honesty, that needed directness, that involved communicating needs and feelings.
This is crucial for young ladies as they grow up. The ability to communicate their boundries with men is founded with their fathers as their fathers show them how men are supposed to treat their daughters. The absense or warping of this relationship is one that requires--at least from what I've seen--professional help.
When your daughter gets sick of feeling crushed of having the same relationship with differnet men over and over and over, she'll ask for help. She might even come to al anon. But the reality is, this is her path. And she may never make the connection that she's the common thread in each of these relationships: that she's seeking out emotionally unstable men, trying by her own will to change them in one way or another, and then becoming crestfallen when she sees what she was in denial about all along: people only change by their own volition, not by any out side force.
Wow, tough words to hear, but I do recognize that I need to hear them. I do believe that I've got to get myself together as well. My thoughts are so skewed sometimes, that I am not even dealing with my own things, much less hers. Thank you for the honesty.
*wink* You're a strong lady. You know what you need to do. Exuding class, setting the example, working the steps, all that stuff you were told whenever you walked in the first day, the rules haven't changed. You know what you're doing. I promise you do.
Thanks again. Just signing on today was a big step that I needed to take. It is in the very silencing of my thoughts, that I become the most vulnerable and co-dependent. It is in the acknowledging of my hurt that I begin to heal.
Welcome to the MIP family!!! So glad that you decided to join us - hope that you will continue to post & let us know how you are doing.
As a mother to 5 daughters (2 given to me by birth, 3 by marriage) I can relate to your heartache for your daughter. I am still working on letting my girls live their own lives. I am grateful for this program that helps me with letting go & trusting a power greater than me.
The 11th tradition talks about attraction rather than promotion; which for me in my personal life means that when my daughters ask for my suggestions or assistance then I can share some heathier options with them rather than running in with my "Cape flapping in the wind ready to rescue them" at the first sign of trouble.(HA!!)
Glad you here with us,
Remember Progress not Perfection,
Rita
-- Edited by Rita G at 14:25, 2006-12-11
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Thanks, Rita. I think that I feel so guilty, like I have failed her in some way. I find myself saying would it have been better to leave, would it have been better to stay? Is any of this even related? Is my desire to come in and fix it part of the co-dependency that I have with her father? These are all things that I have been thinking about today, after I posted my questions this morning. I think I will be sitting with myself, and have ordered some program materials again (lost my old material to Katrina...along with everything else) and have comitted to begin working them again. Frankly, I've never felt better in my lifetime than when I was working the program 8 years ago. It is my hope to feel that feeling again, for myself and for my child. Thanks again.
I've been feeling so alone, and in a couple of hours, I feel like, "these folks get it" :)
I can also relate to those feelings of "I did this to my girls" - I married my AH when my daughters were 9 & 7 - his were 14, 8 & 5.
So I brought my girls into the dysfunction of an alcoholic/addiction household. The first 10 1/2 yrs were full of chaos & all that goes with the disease. It has taken a lot of work in the last 3 yrs to let go of the guilt, to understand that absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake and unless I accept life on life's terms, I cannot be happy, peaceful & serene. My AH has 3 1/2 yrs in recovery & I 3 yrs in Al-Anon.
I may have taught my daughters how to live a crazy life the first part of their innocent lives, but most importantly now I can teach them another way. That there is a healthier way to live. That I can stand up for myself without putting anyone else down. That we can respect ourself and others.
I hate that you suffered losses from Hurricane Katrina - we had losses from Hurricane Rita. In fact, they just delivered our new manufactured home last week. We have been waiting a long time for it. Still not living in it yet, but prayerfully we will celebrate Christmas in the new home.
Plus if you don't think life is filled with funny things - as you see my name is Rita and one of those 5 daughters - her name is Katrina!!!! - Yes - we are the "Hurricane" family!! My AH likes to joke that everyone needs to quit their whinning - he's been putting up with those 2 girls for a long time!!! () It's a good thing I love him - I might just drop him off in the swamp & never let him come back!! Like that would be punishment for him!!
Learning to live Happy, Joyous & Free - One day at a Time,
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
God Bless you. I know how that feeling is of just missing home and all its trappings. I lived in an area that is not coming back almost at all, so we have relocated about 40 miles away. I am missing my church, my friends, and my life, and I think that this trauma is making all the other things seem worse. I will pray that you can be back in your home in time for the holidays :)
Perhaps this will be seen as an innocent/naive question, but I am wondering if we have the capability to heal as long as my alcoholic is not interested in sobriety. I know that I do not have to make any decisions about any of this today, but I think that I am just feeling alive again for the first time in a while. There is something so isolating about no one knowing what is going on in your house. Although I am sure my friends must suspect, since I never attend functions with him (he is reclusive by nature), I have never told any of them why outright. It is so liberating to say to someone, this is why, this is what is going on, and have them get it. Being an adult child of an alcoholic with schizophrenic tendencies, I think that I have been compensating my entire life. In fact, I think that that is what drove me here today...I saw that tendency in my daughter last night as she sat on the bed crying over the latest boyfriends betrayals. I think it scared me for her future, and perhaps what I wasn't ready to face just for me, I can summon the strength to get healthy for both of us.
) It's a good thing I love him - I might just drop him off in the swamp & never let him come back!! Like that would be punishment for him!!