how do i know if my hp is answering me - Al-Anon Family Group

bev · Veteran Member

how do i know if my hp is answering me

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Some people start a plan B. For some of us the plan b is a long haul (sometimes it seems that way for me). there are milestones on the way. What bills do you have together. What are the steps you would need to take to move back north. Work them out milestone it. I think its a huge haul to think about leaving an A especially if you have been with him for a long time. I also think there is bound to be grief and anger.

I don't have a fixed date for my plan b. I have milestones though, some of them are financial and I believe some of them are emotional. Disengaing from the A was so so key for me. I learned to stop relying on him for much.

I certainly do know what it is to be so so exhausted from the A's acting out that you can't think straight. I try to keep stuff one day at a time. Who is coming into my life, what might that mean. November was a real tough month for me. The A really acted out in many many ways. That was the last time I will ever raise my voice to him. Since then we've hardly spoken. The A I live with is immensely critical and controlling too of everyone but himself. He is totally out of control but he wants everyone else to be in control and beholden to him.

I felt tremendous loyalty towards the A and often I felt very sorry for him.

Detaching as much as possible helps. It really helps not to give them attention when they are acting out in various ways. I never thought hat would be possible for me but I do that. I rarely ask the A how he is for example I know the answer already. I also never aks him what is the matter with him its an excuse for him to go off on a tirade. Needless to say he never ever bothers to ask how I am because nothing exists but his bad mood or sulking or self pity.

The more I detach the less responsible I feel for the A. I thought I was responsible for his every mood, tantrum and sulk. Now I don't. I'm not in a place to go yet but I am working on it day in day out. I work on what I can do and don't beat myself up for what I can't do.

Keep posting here about how you feel because you are guaranteed to have mixed emotions.

Maresie.

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

dearest Bev, We have to listen, be aware, and we come here.

I feel and see he has answered you. Just reading your words, you light up when you speak of moving with your family. You are as you said, excited.

We make our own boundaries.Your A is using and abusing. I would be careful who you tell or those kids are going to be taken out of there.

You have made it clear you want to go with your family. You do not want to stay with A while he is abusive and using drugs.

He does not want you to himself. The disease wants someone to abuse, and use. Aism does not like to be alone. This is not love. Love is when they find they want a life and their loved ones more than the drugs, and are willing to do anything to get there.

Did you read the thing I sent on drowning a week or so agoa? scroll down and read it if you want to. He is drowning and pulling you down too.

I mean think about it, how does he treat you? What other "nice" thing has he said or done besides, I want you for myself? It is manipulation/controlling. NOT love. anyone who treated babies and their own child that way is a veryvery sick, mean, evil person.

When they go,you will be his only punching bag. A's like to isolate. they like to have someone to beat up and talk to.

you know the answer, we are right here to support you.love debilyn

Mobirdie · Senior Member

When I ask my HP for guidance in a specific situation he usually answers one of three ways...

Yes

No

I have other plans for you

The trick to all of this is that we have to be open enough to see the answer. I also know if I put things in my HP's hands he will lead me where I need to be. He has a plan for all of us and unfortunately we have to go through the stages to get there. Some are painful, some are joyful but we just have to go through it.

Your HP is listening to you, he listens to all of us at all times. Follow your heart and take care of yourself. Ask yourself what it will be like for you if you stay...what it will be like for you if you go. Then ask your HP for guidance to see the answer. It will come just give it a chance to sink in when he tells you.

Yours in recovery

Mobirdie

Peggy7 · ~*Service Worker*~

You have your answer, I can hear it in your message.

Follow your heart, no one can tell you where to be but you already know.

When we aren't safe, we need to have the courage to get safe.

When we are sad, we need to have the wisdom to find happiness.

You have the health and strength to do what needs done.

Follow your heart, it's how my HP speaks to me.

Enjoy your healthy life, you only get one chance.

How very wise of the daughter and family to leave that atmosphere.

Some of us choose to no longer be controlled, cause that simply is not living.

We weren't put here to be made sad, afraid and angry.

Find your courage, follow your heart, enjoy the family and friends that love you and treat you well.

Peggy

ally · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((((((((((((((BEV)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Ask yourself these Questions.

1. Do I Deserve to be abused by another.

2. Do I Deserve to become alone and Isolated in my own home.

3. Do I Deserve to live In FEAR In my own home.

4. D I Deserve to sit back and watch anothers life falling to pieces and watch my life doing the same.

5. Do I Deserve to hurt all my life.

Now ask yourself these Questions.

1. Do I Dererved to be loved

2. Do I Deserve to be appreciated

3. Do I Deserve to enjoy the beautiful family I brought Into this world

4. Di I Dererve to grow old with all my loved ones at my side.

5 Do I Deserve to be HAPPY.

Bev this Is from someone who doesn't know you, but understands the life your living.

Leave him to his own HP. YOU have had answers from your HP, through your family,

friends, and All your fellow members here.

Wishing you all the best for the future with ALL your family round about you.

With all my Heart

Ally

frog58 · Member

Bev,

This is how I handle situations that I'm not sure about how to handle,

1-talk to other alanon'ers and get their ESH

2-write out a pro/con list and talk to HP

3-get quiet inside and listen to my gut....that's usually how HP answers me.

Like others have said, you sound like you know what you need to do for yourself...you just need to get quiet and let it come to you.

First and foremost, take care of you and your safety.

Wishing you peace

Frog58

CJ · ~*Service Worker*~

I just want to underline, highlight, and boldface what Debilyn and Peggy had to say. Also, trust in your instincts along with your prayers to your HP. My opinion is that God gave us instincts as our guide to living a righteous life. Trust them, trust yourself. A-ism tries to take those instincts away and replace them with guilt and responsibility; it is a fight. YOUR responsibility is to be in control of YOU.

A lot of us want to be pitied for the hardship we are going through. I'm one of them, although I know that THAT is not how I want people to look at me. It is my character flaw, and can only lead to negative feelings - from myself and the others that pity me. Be happy. Make a choice to get happy. Make a plan to get happiness. Make a decision to lay down your struggle and to embrace life.

These are my OPINIONS that I'm sharing with you. These are my decisions I currently have to make, also. Food for thought.

Yours in the struggle

cj

bev · Veteran Member

thanks everyone,and you r right when i talk about leaving him and going back north it lifts my spirits and i get happy.again thanks.and i will keep asking my HP FOR HELP AND GUAIDENCE

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