The material presented
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I have been feeling very "off kilter" lately! Depressed, but not sure why!! There are so many things in my life that haven't gone as I thought they would--life never does, does it??
Things right now are pretty good, but I seem to be having a hard time with that!!! My AH has been sober for 4 months. He is working hard to "grow up" (some days harder than others, but isn't that the way it goes for all of us?)! I am so proud of the progress he has made.
One thing I am having a very difficult time with are my children!! They aren't bad children by any means I just seem to constantly be frustrated by regular kids stuff!! (overly frustrated). My stepdaughter is very independent (both my girls are actually, it just seems to bug me more coming from her--which makes no sense!!!!). For instance--X-mas play coming up, she needed a costume for, I told her I would find one, well she starts asking her friends and tells me one friend said she had one for her, I checked with the mom b/c child telling a child one thing isn't always what is true, no there was no costume available for my step-daughter--but I was really bothered by the fact that she wouldn't let me "do my job" and take care of things for her. Again yesterday, she was going w/ her Girl Scout Troop to see the Rockettes in Houston. I told her I would take her to the place they were meeting to take off from. I go to pick her up and she has already left her classroom, she took it upon herself to catch a ride with others. I really was hurt!! I don't know why it is affecting me so much!!!
I told my husband about it last night--first time we have ever really tried to talk about the step-daughter/step-mommy thing. He actually handled it very well, didn't get mad and say it was all me his daughter is an "angel" which is what he always says---(Not that she really did anything wrong). Anyway he said I should "4th step" it and see my part in it--just so we could see if I should do something different.
There are so many things I want to do different--not just about step-daughter, but about mothering!!! I just am not a good mother after teaching a tone of children all day. That is so unfair to my children. They definitely aren't getting the best of me!!! My son (w/ Asperger's), he ends up getting so much of my time--not b/c I'm trying to spoil him or do for him, but trying to see that he does what he needs to do. I know my girls get the "raw end of the deal"!!!
I don't really like my job--I feel like if I am going to teach children I should love it!!!!!! I also can't get another job with the same time off my kids have to be there for them. Then there is the fact that I'm not qualified for any other job!!
I just feel like I'm drowning this week--over very petty stuff!!! I am trying to listen and figure out what my HP wants me to do, but I'm afraid I won't get an answer or know it if it hits me in the face!!!
I know this isn't really alcohol related, but has anyone been here? Anyone understand? Any ESH????
I'm not sure how old your step-daughter is, but maybe this could be a time that you & her start communicating & boundary setting on a healthier level? For instance if she is going to change her plans (ride with someone else) she has to let you know so many hours in advance. As far as doing "your job" is she old enough to start handling a little more responsibility? If not, then maybe thank her for trying to help, but maybe tell her maybe the Moms better work out all the final details.
I have learned that being a good mother doesn't always mean that I have to do everything for everyone nor do I need to do everything "right" all the time. My daughters needed to see me make mistakes and how I made amends for those mistakes and took actions to try to avoid those mistakes in the future. That way they learned that we can all be human.
Take care of you - remember to take those deep breaths - relax and hang in there!!
Progress not Perfection,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I am so sorry you feel that way... but the good news is you can see there is something "out of wack", and you are looking to work on it. That is a great step.
I like what Rita said. The only thing I would add from my perspective is that I have been in that place many times. Each time I find that I was the one who is breathless and letting the world throw me around when that happened. When I get that way I find my kids see it, and take full advantage (they are smart that way - LOL).
I now see it happening a little easier, and take a moment to laugh at myself if possible... take a deep breath and do something calming. Or something strenious (clean out the garage or something).
Like you, many times it happens when everything else is going relatively smoothly... Maybe I panic that I am not feeling up to par with everyone else, but a little attention to me and I feel better and bring things back in line.
Hope you are having a better day.... The Rockettes huh? My boys would kill me if I "made" them go see them... The Rockets, now that they might go for! LOL
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Rita-my step-daughter is 9, my other daughter is 12 and my son is 8 (9 in about 3 weeks)
Communication and boundary setting definitely are not my strong points, so I really should think about this and see how I can change me, then maybe that will make things better.
Aloha Dawn..."I know this really isn't alcohol related..." No it is alcohol related. We come from dysfunction not perfection and with the program attempt to move toward progressively better living and lives. Your situation is "normal" for where you have come from. Being confused and feeling depressed is "normal" until we learn more. I was told in early recovery, "At least you are aware of the situation now" and I got angry. I didn't want to be aware only I wanted to be out of the condition and that happens with patience, commitment, open mindedness and much more plus practicing the suggestions that I agree to accept. It takes a loving and willing sponsor and the love and willingness to use that sponsor. It takes daily reading of Conferenced Approved Literature and prayer and meditation with my Higher Power. I have been where you are at and it was just as un-nerving as you have described here. "Thanks for the memories" because I don't live in the problem anymore and don't try to control outcomes.
"Acceptance is the solutions to all my problems" today is one of the many philosophies I try to keep in my spirit 24/7. It helps me handle situations that don't come out my way or fulfill my "well didn't she (they) know" expectations. I made plans and often times was the only one that followed thru on them. I used to get angry and hurt but because of acceptance, tolerance, patience, compassion, understanding, humility and all the other things I learned in this family group I rarely react the way I use to.
One thing also that I learned from the elders is...never use your spouse, especially a recovering or active addicted spouse as a sponsor. Use a program sponsor and others in the program first. There are many recovering alcoholics and addicts coming into our program because they find real solutions to life other than just drinking or not drinking over it. This has shown me how very valueable the Al-Anon Family Groups, this program and the mentoring of those who have come before me is.
Your step-daughter is a child of an alcoholic. This disease affects everyone it comes into contact with. That was good for me to remember when I was trying to raise and have expectations of my alcoholically raised step-daughter and step-son. I was constantly blown away by what and how they decided to do things. Blown away!! until I started to accept where they came from. I altered my expectations to fit the unexpected and wierd and then learned to express gratitude and positive affirmations (short versions) when they "surprised". If her behavior seems to affect you more than your own daughter you might try looking at deep and unforgiven resentments you have for the disease and your alcoholic. She is his daughter. She is an attachment to him and I know when I was into resenting my alcoholic I could and did sometimes "shotgun" her and everything she came with. It was unfair because I wasn't taking responsibility for choosing her in my life and that is still what I did. Additionally if you are as exasperated about yourself and what you are doing and not doing as you have posted here than maybe no one is safe, including you, from the yuk and poo of your attitude. You can choose at anytime to change that. The only reason is because it nurtures your spirit and you are taking care of yourself. Try an "Attitude of Gratitude" get the "Just for Today" pamphlet and memorize it. One of its instructions is, "Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said that, "most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."
Just passin on what was freely give to me with the hope that it might work for you. Of course my sponsor also gave me permission to go into the corner and sulk, then take a time out and/or then go out in the yard and throw a tantrum before coming back into my family and apologizing for my "stinkin thinkin" and "rotten attitude".
Go slow...little bites...one step at a time and always Let go and let God.
Well i think it is kinda alcohol related , we are so used to doing it all and resenting it hehe. tht when our children make thier own plans we feel left out . She is just growing up and really dosent need u as much as she did in the past . I for one felt tht i was just trying too hard to make it work . It works if we just let life unfold as its supposed to .
When we step aside and allow everyone the right to grow up theres not much left for us to do. My sponsor called it the HOW DO YOU MANAGE WHEN THERE IS NO ONE LEFT TO MANGAGE ? Her answer was well dear now u get a LIFE . sheeeeeesh .
So enjoy the free time and go do something nice for yourself , even if its' just sitting down feet up and a hot cup of coffee . enjoy Louise
The A I live with has a total idealize thing about other people in his life. I endured 2 years of that about a friend of his who practically, well in essence he did take over our house. He has that with our pets too. He has one dog who he practically worships and there is no "reality" about how to deal with her behavior issues.
I would imagine if I were a child that would be difficult to deal with. My parents had that attitude towards my elder sister, that never changed as they aged. I spent years rebelling about it.
I think its important to take the big picture. I used to take the A's actions incredibly personally. Now I see he views the entire world in either idealize or devalue fashion I no longer take his opinion so much to heart.
I also think I have to look at my image of what I want and what I can live with. Right now I am living with far far far from what I want but nevertheless I have moments (especially when the A isn't around) when I am happy. What can you be happy with? Maresie.
Sometimes we just have to take a step back and try and breathe.......sometimes that deep, deep breath can make us think better.....I know in my life espically lately...things have been out of control.....
I am thinking is your setp-daughter is a teenager this is typical teen behavior....this I am sure of.......living in the relm of addiction....every part of our being can be affected, we have to find a way out, away in order to keep our sanity.....just make peace with ourselves......
Take it easy and slow, and just try and breathe.......
