The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well I have 19 days to Christmas and I am feeling the familiar dread. For 6 plus years now I've let the A dominate Christmas. We once, (in the days I had money) went to a beautiful resort town (paid for by me of course) and he had to high tail it back to get loaded. Admittedly at that time I was not feeling that well and really would have been better off staying home and just getting well still I never did understand what the A wanted at Christmas. Now I understand he wants to get loaded with his brother and have someone else (namely me) do all the work.
He also used his family as a buffer for years. He would abandon me and high tail it off to be with his family ignoring my needs, then tell me he felt guility. Or he would claim he didn't feel well when he was clearly just loaded.
Last Christmas I went all out and cooked a wonderful meal. The A was barely able to stand up he was so loaded. So I have chosen this holiday season not to cook. First of all the A is in this bitter attack mode and the attack encompasses everything, secondly I do not have the money this year and thirdly I'm about done giving.
My frantic doing and giving of course which I generally did with the A through most of these years belied the emotions that are under it the rage and the grief. The coming to terms with that the key thing is for him to get high whatever it takes and who cares about anything else. He'll lie, cajole, manipulate and do whatever he has to do that. He'll even get belligerant as he did about coming home early from being away. I used to really buy his complaints that I needed to do more all the time and I don't anymore that is a relief. I know now deep in my heart the three C's and I am no longer trying to fix the unfixable but nevertheless my heart is broken that he is so out there still. There is no bottom for him, financially (he is practically bankrupt) healht wise (he has major major health issues from using drugs) and morally (he lies about even the littlest things). Every day he has some new crisis. Every day is a day when he bemoans that he can't have it all his way...and his bitterness and anger is very hard to tolerate and I just avoid him at all costs.
Nevertheless at the end of the day I am here 19 days away from what I could make be another miserable Christmas if I don't watch myself. I will be working over the holidays which is a relief. I will be taking care of myself as best I can but really I am sad that I've spent so many holidays dealing with him and not with me. I am not going to make this holiday all about my resentment about he wants to get loaded and that's all. I am not going to make this holiday a sad time for me. I'll try to go to as many online meetings as I can and set goals for myself. And for once I'm going to look forward to holidays to come when this won't be the focus for me anymore how to survive someone else's drug and alcohol use.
If you were in Louisiana, I'd tell you to come to my house for Christmas supper. I think I'll be cooking a huge meal for all those who want to join us. A few recovery friends that don't have family or are choosing not to be with the family of origin will be joining us. My door is open if you are ever this way.
Glad you are finding that inner peace - Praying that your holidays will be blessed with serenity, love and most of all HOPE.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Good for you... you sound very strong in spite of everything. You are a fine example of how NOT to be dragged down with the disease. It is horrible to remember Christmases past, but you are doing the right thing in beginning to take care of yourself and begin a new day and a new time for your self!!! I wish you were here in Colorado, I would invite you over also, or heck, we could just go out to eat. I don't really spend a lot of time with family on Christmas, in fact I plan to attend a f2f that night.
I wish you peace and great things for yourself. There are many things to do that bring joy - you CAN be your own best friend, I have found.
Prayers of happiness and calm to you and your family...
I know where you are coming from. I am determined to have a good Christmas. Alchol and drugs took my 2 nephews/sons ages 18 and 22 this yr. I am being able to do some of the usual things.
I am so so so sad that I took it all so personally for years. I could have spared myself that anguish. I will not be around people I love this year but I look forward to a time when I will. More and more I look towards a future that is not full of anguish, chaos and sorrow. I do not need to repeat the past anymore. Rightnow the A is cranky he is getting ready to use. He can use. I will not do anything to redirect him. At the same time he can also bear the consequences of his actions. I am not stepping in anymore to help at my own expense. I am also of course not trying to have a christmas with him anymore. I surrendered to his addiction but it did not kill me as it will him.
I just wanted to send you a little encouragement and ES&H regarding the Christmas issue.
Just before last Christmas my partner of 7 years and I had broken up and I was spending Christmas alone far away from my family.
What really helped me to make the season joyful was to really think about what kind of feeling I wanted to have during the holidays. I decided I wanted to feel peaceful, restful, and joyful. I set this as an intention for my holiday and I made a tiny, very doable plan for what I thought what help bring me those feelings. I put my plan on paper and made sure it was very doable.
I have always loved white lights so I bought some and hung them out - they glowed so beautifully and really gave a gentleness to my apartment.
I scheduled a day-spa massage at the massage school - oh, how good this felt (and it wasn't that expensive because it was at a school). As the masseuse worked, I imagined that it was not the masseuse's hands I was feeling, but the hands of my HP soothing me, nurturing me, sending love to my spirit.
On Christmas Eve I went to a midnight mass. I have always enjoyed the Christmas eve service and wanted to hear some good singing.
On Christmas day, I made a very simple meal (I like to cook) of Chinese dumplings.
I also regularly made a point of tuning into the peace--my peaceful apartment, the peaceful neighborhood, the peaceful day--always available to me, anytime, anywhere.
I found that I felt rested, nurtured, and loved through these acts of self-care, and isn't that the true meaning of the holiday spirit? Babysteps, babysteps...and gentleness toward myself...that's what really helped me.
