The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I recently suffered a bout of depression, I was off my work for nine weeks. I was given anti-depressants from my doctor. I took them for a few weeks. But I deceided, the last time I had them I was on them for three years. So, I could fight back without them.
I gradually got better, started laughing again, worked my programme, got myself a sponsor (which has had a great impact on my life). I had ALL day to stay in mip, and chat to everyone, I turned my day Into night, attending both meetings. Evening meeting is 2am where I am. So I was up all night for weeks. This alone has not been good for me (lol).
I finally wen't back to my work, I was not 100%, but able enough to cope. I was back for two weeks and I picked up a virus, and was off again for a week. All the time this has had a major effect on me. I have had a lot of long term sicknessed due to my sickness.
This week I suddelny realised I was NOT coping with this, I am In constant worry about having anymore time off sick. I was worring about bills comming up to christmas, trying to remember what all gets paid, my consentration has been terrible. What If I get sacked, what If, what If, what If.
All of a sudden I was like, OMG I cannot do this anymore, My mother said to me one day, what Is wrong with you. And I shouted at her, Im NOT coping Mum. WOW, that is a massive thing for me to do. I had had enough and I was asking for help. I had missed my f2f meetings for 2 weeks due to work pattern and I was ANGRY. I need my meetings to keep me balanced, and I am no way near balanced this week.
I went Into see my bosses today because of my time off sick. I was nervous, and scared. I work 4days on mornings and evenings, then get 4 days off, but I am finding my 4 days off are recovery time for me, because I am so tired. My boss asked me If there was anything I would like to say.(oh oh, usually no I'm fine). But I said YES, I cannot cope with these shifts any longer, I have had enough. I can do my morning one, but I am struggling to get back out at night. I didn't know what to expect, pre-al-anon it would have been, a BIG negative, your gonna get sacked ally).
And to my utter amazment my boss said, Yes, I think you are right. So they are looking fo a new post for me, monday to friday, no weekends, maybe even a different job all together. I have worked with terminally ill people for ten years, I love It, and I love being there for people who have not got long In this world. But I also think It's not doing my recovery any good at all.
I'm finding it a struggle to have the same satisfaction I one had in the job, I am becoming impatient,(especially If I miss f2f).Not with the people, but with myself. I feel I am moving on with my life and maybe a complete change is needed for me now.
I don't know what position I will move Into, but I am quite excited, they suggested an admin post, I done that years ago, (lol imagine being In an office with me all day).They would get NO work done So I am looking farward to this new position.
It's comming up to a year since I joined Al-Anon, and I think I am just begining to see what has been wrong in my life for so long, what I need to do to change it for me.
I had an upset this week also, just by reacting to a comment by someone. I felt so upset, cried a full day, went right Into Isolation mode. For nearly two days. Then I thought ,you stay here Ally, Your Al-Anon has been a waste of time and energy. Get up, get out there, get you butt off the "pity pot", so what something was said that hurt you, are you going to let It stay with you, or can you learn from It and "Let Go". Well Im here Guys (lol). So you know what I done.
Things in my life that I have hated for so long, I always said I had no control over, Well guess what, I did. They were within my control, I had to accept that, ask for "Help", and change things. I feel I have done that this week. I am working on my relations with others, just now I have a special one in my life. But I'm learning that has to go slowly. I cannot change that or control It, so I am just enjoying it. And watching It grow.
I had so much going on tonight In my head and I felt I had to get It all out, so I can start my new day tomorrow, hopefully free from some of this.
Just had to say, Thank you for what you do in your job. I'm sure your boss knows how important you are. Since having Hospice involved with my mother, I have been amazed at the people who have come in to help us. It takes a special kind of person to work with those who are dieing. (including all those who work the Admin. side, they are fantastic.)
I'm glad you were able to stand up and say what you needed. I'm sure HP will guide you to the right spot.
So I am looking farward to this new position.