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I do not in anyway mean to ask that with any sarcasm!!! I just wanted to say that first:) I've only just recently discovered this wonderful board, so naturally I don't know everyone's story. As far as I can see though, I've read none that have happy endings with their A. Please please feel free to correct me though, thats actually what I'm dying to hear.
I told my A lastnight, that for at least six months, we will put off talk of marriage all together. I feel good about that decision too. He has been sober for a month now, and was sober a year and a half before that. So until I see that he is on the right path again, for the long haul, I don't want to discuss marriage. Plus I have many many issues to work on. Many resentments to let go of. We are "happy" right now, but I fear from reading all the stories on here, that we are doomed:( I know that sounds awful! I just want to hear a positive story. I really hope no one takes offense to my topic. I mean no harm, I just want to be happy and have hope of happiness with this man i chose.
This is a great topic - It mainly depends on what you call a "happy ending" - some here have found happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not, some have found happiness in a life without the alcoholics/addicts, some have found happiness & saved the relationship with the A's after they both entered recovery (AA & Al-Anon), and some have found even though their A's found sobriety then were still unable to save the relationship, but still were able to find the inner peace & happiness.
I'm not trying to be difficult, but a "happy ending" can mean so many different things to so many different people.
A way to find out info on some of the members is to read some of their previous post. I think you can do this under the search feature. I know that I have previous post telling parts of my story - my AH has 3 plus yrs in AA & I have 3 in Al-Anon - we have a daughter who is not in a recovery program, yet. There are tons of other details to that story - Am I happy? Yes. Is it because my AH is in a program of recovery. NO. It is all about me. It is because I have learned to be happy with me - to rely on my HP as my source of strength & contentment. It is a process, a journey that changes daily. That is why I am still learning to:
Live Happy, Joyous & Free - One Day at a Time,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I am not sure we can ever find an "ending" to alcoholism as long as we stay with the A, but happy? Yes, I am happy. My A is sober, and I have learned to be thankful and happy in the day, and not worry about tomorrow. I call it the "Scarlett O'Hara attitude." Happy endings are for fairy tales that have endings, but the white steed carring the knight in shining armor hasn't arrived. Remember, "Pretty Woman?"
With caring and best wishes, Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 12:25, 2006-12-05
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I guess it would depend on your definition of happiness. As far as addiction, it does seem to be very tough to break those chains and the hold of the disease. But it is possible. As far as someone living in the midst of the disease it is possible to experience happiness in spite of the situation. For me personally, once I totally gave up everything to God and realized I had no control, that was when I began to heal. Also setting clear boundaries helped to bring peace into our lives as well. I know in the beginning dealing with our son, I felt the same as you.....in need of some encouragement. It seemed like there was so much negative. But I know my faith in God brought me through what seemed like some very dark times, and I know that even then I had hope. That is what I hung on to, the hope and my faith in God. He has blessed us beyond imagination......not that everything has been great, but He sees us through daily. I will be praying for you!
I agree with the other's this is a good topic, and I encourage you to not scathe yourself for asking about it.
It was agreed at my al anon home group that alot of our literature somehow glosses over, in many cases, we felt, the very painful process that is the resolution of feelings from growing up in an alcholic home, marrying an alcholic, watching your child decend into alcholic hell, et cetera. We agreed that, some how, many of our devotionals, stories, et cetera, some how left out the fact that, at some point in each of our lives, each of us went through a period of blaming our selves, shaming our selves, and scathing ourselves for things we "should have done; could have done; why didn't I do this?; how could I have not seen this?" We felt that these very important points of recovery get glossed over and we couldn't definitively say why--word space? time? a desire to give the readers closure? For us, at least, it was critical for our own growth that we fully experience these would have/ could have/ should have cycles (and some of us admitted, my self included in this group, that some times when we were not at the top of our game we still go back there), because for many of us it enabled us, ultimately to have a sense of closure. One gentleman said that when he was done with his could have/ should have/ would have when it came to his father's alcholism (the man had been dead for quite some time at this point), it gave him a deeper sense of love and acceptance for his brother's disease, which caused him a great amount of pain and grief, and a significant amount of turmoil as he tried to "interviene" and "save" his brother. For this gentleman, it was critical that he see that his father's disease killed him, not either son or the wife. I shared I still go through my could have/would have/should have cycles because it gives me a sense of control when my father gets drunk, gets active in trying to do the stuff he's always done, and causes chaos in my life, simply because it makes me feel like the little girl again in the alcholic home--I shared that it's easier to blame myself than honestly look at "My Daddy" as a human being who's very sick and needs help I can't give him and assistance only God can provide.
So, as far as happy endings, I don't know. I think I get a little bit each day.I think I hear it now, now that my ears are attuned to god's creation. I see it now, now that I make actual attempts to see each of you as children of god. I feel it now, now that I feel myself as a person worthy of giving and recieving love. I do know that whenever I feel like something isn't right, something's a little cheap, then something is. Something's not right. It is cheap. That doesn't mean I have to keep it. I can change how I look at it, pray for acceptance, or simply surrender the situation to god. Let god handle it. I don't know how happy endings are defined for anyone else, but for me it's definately ODAAT
I think this is an excellent topic because often we are mired down by the dysfunctions we all can have with an A. Life with an A will always be different for me. Different than how I grew up, different than living on my own. I have a different family than my family of origin. I will always have to be mindful that my A can go back to using. Living with this disease is not easy. Some days are good other's are not. We still have a great deal to work on and work out. My A is sober and making progress to improve the quality of his life. We just recently got married, have two beautiful boys who are 3 years old. Before coming into Alanon I was only focused on him, what is he doing, pleasing him, etc. I was miserable and so was he. Now I have so many other things to focus on. I'm learning to live life one day at a time with joy in my heart. I give thanks each day for the blessings we do have. Being happy is a decision that a person makes. When we think I'll be happy when.... we can be waiting for a long long time. An A's growth in recovery can take a long time or it can progress quite quickly it depends on the person. My A's growth is slow. He still has a great deal of growing up to do emotionally, but the tools I'm learning and applying to my life now helps me to keep the focus on me. When I slip and forget to use my tools I can look back now and figure out what went wrong and know what to do the next time.
All I can say is that there are no gaurentees with anyone in life, but this program will give you the peace and serenity you deserve no matter what happens.
Peace,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I'm kinda with barisax. I'm happy and learned to be so through Alanon. Hubby is sober for the last 10 mo. and I hope he stays that way. I'm not done yet so I don't know my ending. I don't think there is an ending here. There's always room for improvement.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You know, that was a very thought-provoking question.
As my wise priest used to say, everyone thinks life is like:
Once upon a time.....
They lived happily ever after....
Sounds good, but the problem is, we miss the middle. The whole story! In life, there is no ending, IMHO, until we are dead. We know not what the morrow will bring.
All I can tell you is when I first stumbled into this site, I was not wanting to live. I had been so damaged, my marriage was a mess, husband unmanageable, my LIFE was unmanageable.
Today, I have more good days than bad. I owe it all to Alanon and the program, and of course this site and all the wonderful folks here, and most of all HP.
I encourage you to keep coming back. Keep the focus on yourself. Alcoholism is a disease, and therefore, there is no "end", since there is no "cure". There is only hope, which we can find everyday.
Should you decide to marry this man you love, you are the only one who can determine what makes you happy. My husband still drinks, and I still deal with verbal abuse (tho not as often) and my life is sometimes still crazy, but I now have the tools to deal with life. I am happier with my husband who drinks, than I am without him. We have been separated several times due to his drinking, and it was his choice. For today, I want him to stay here, with me. I want to stay married.
My hopes and wishes are with you. Hope you find the answers you are looking for.
Just remember, nothing in life comes with a guarantee.
I agree with what so many others are saying. First, there is no ending for me. But happiness! Oh definately.
I was married for 10 yrs to an alcoholic. She got into AA about a year before I found Alanon. So naturally we were all set for that "Happy Ending" that I thought her not drinking and my getting help would result in.
And it did result in happiness. Just not the "ending" I thought it would. We still seperated and divorced, though due to our programs, did that in as amazingly an amicable and painless manner as was possible. Pain was there. As well as all the other emotions you would expect, but there was also acceptance and hope for the future thanks to this program.
Not the "Happy Ending" you were looking for I know, but the reality is, there are no guarantees on anything in this life.
We can only do what we can do. Learn to live our lives in a state of gratitude for what we have, practice the principals of this program in all our affairs. If we are doing this as life happens around us, both joyous and painful, we can have some consistancy in ourselves and Happiness is ours for the taking.
Becky made a point I wanted to - I am not at the ending yet, so can't tell!
My husband is sober just now, and working at his recovery. This makes it easier for me to focus on my stuff, as I am not living with the insanity of active drinking. I'm pretty happy, but, you know, a lot of the time when he was drinking I was pretty happy too. Could have been happier, if iI ahd known more about alanon ideas and tools - I stumbled upon many of them on my own, and they saved my sanity, and saved my kids, I am sure. However, I wasted a lot of time trying to figure the A out, blaming myself because HE was unhappy, etc. Even when I was behaving in a healthy fashion, I used to beat myself up over it - "Oh, I should be fretting over my husband, instead of enjoying myself here...." Alanon teaches us to say out of that snake pit, thank goodness. Right now my A is very depressed, and not much fun to live with - without my tools, I would be miserable because he is. As it is, I fall into that for an hour or so, and then pull myself back out. This, to me, looks a lot like a happy ending. We can live together, neither of us needs to be perfect, and life is not one crisis after another.
On the very narrow definition of happiness - is healthy sobriety possible? Well, take yourself to a big AA/alanon meeting, or a roundup. There you will see many people with years of sobriety under their belts, actually living and working their programs. It is amazing to see A's who have actually gotten so much better, who no longer live in the ego driven world of the active A we know. It is insipring - people take the 12 steps, work them, apply them to their lives, and become better people. In fact, become very good people. The honesty, the emotional health and well being, that you find at a weekend at a roundup, is like nothing you have ever experienced in your life. Much better than "normal" - many of these people are actually getting *well*.
Great topic. I agree it depends on how you are defining a happy ending.
For me it is rather bittersweet. I am happy with the life I have created since finding and working al anon. I like me. I am content with my strengths and weaknesses and accept them (well, I'll admit that I am having trouble accepting the 15 lbs I want to lose -- though I acknowledge that probably if I could come to true acceptance of them they would probably fade away <smile>). I love my work. I like my colleagues, and the friends I have attracted into my life the last few al anon years are emotionally healthy people who love and support me. I balance work and play, and enjoy both.
I am not happy that my family life is the way it is. I don't like that my siblings all exhibit A behavior in ways that minimize my ability to have a mututally loving and supportive relationship with any of them. Things are getting better with one of them -- I've said that I love them, and that I want people in my life who behave in a loving supportive way. One of them is trying to do that -- behavior has changed for the better; another has had a response at the other end of the behavior spectrum, which does not make me happy, but it is important for me to see that information clearly, accept it, and figure out what I am going to do. I do not like that I chose a husband who turned out to have this disease deeply embedded in him and who had the personality characteristics that I had the most trouble with in my parent -- and I do not like how my kids have been deeply affected by this. Knowing I didn't cause the disease, can't control it, and can't cure it helps me accept a part of my reality that I do not like.
I accept that the past is done. I could probably write it up as a story of fiction that I would prefer, but I know and accept that it is what it is. What happened, happened. Nothing I do can change the past. I do not like the past. I do not like that my kids have had to live through it. I do not like that I brought kids into the world who are growing up with the emotional scars of having lived with this disease. I'll admit that there is a part of me that has a bit of "what if" in that if I had made different, better choices, then .... And I know that part of those choices that I made, while made with the best of intentions, some of how I handled matters with the many A's in my life, contributed to the problem. I do not like that. I am not happy about that.
However much I don't like that that, though, -- I have come to point where I am grateful for it all happening to me. Grateful because it led me to where I am right now. Grateful that my prayers back when I was a kid growing up in an alcoholic household -- all these prayers are being answered so that I am now in a position to help my kids whenever they are ready to address the issues, their issues -- if they want my help. My parents never got to the point in recovery, actually they never started recovery (as was the case for my ex and his family, too, and for my sibs), where they could help me, act as a positive role model for me, or anything along those lines. So while I didn't choose the family I was born to, given that is where my HP placed me, I'm happy, and feel good, that I've gotten to where I am today.
There's a couple of sayings I like:
If you're going through hell, keep going; and
Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.
That is a good question. I have also found myself wondering lately 'Is anyone ever really happy??' (as in all the time). Nobody is perfect, there is no 'perfect relationship'. When I think hard about it there is no one that I know that I feel completely in awe of in terms of them not having quirks or something not quite right about them. The only places you see that are on TV and movies.
Also when a person becomes sober they may become a person that you didn't know before.. you might find maybe you didn't know the real 'them' after all. I think happiness is only what you make of it - when you choose to be that way, not choose to be happy based on what someone else does. Maybe the drama would stop if one person in the A/non-A relationship changed their focus and did something different, but that takes time and hard work. I think that is why we are all here on this board.
I have seen some miracles in this room, and even in my family.
I think we have to continue with our program and learn to recognize what happiness is, and as others said, there probably is no ending. Life isn't like that because the only thing constant is change.
I agree with Peewee.....I too have seen miracles and believe they still exist today! I'm not at the ending, but I do experience happiness. God is good and faithful!
I am one of those happy endings. Hubby is sober 6 months and counting. But there's more to this story then just his sobriety. My continued recovery is my happy ending. For me that would take place regardless if he was sober or active. If he continued to be active, then we would not be together.
It has been an incredibly hard year for us. He nearly lost his life, endangered me while drinking, lost his kids. I put him out of the house until he got sober and stayed that way. He really hit his bottom. We have just come through a flood the week before Thanksgiving and in January he is facing major recontructive surgery on his legs and feet with no guarantee that he will be able to walk again.
If it weren't for this program, I would be a basket case. I never would have had the courage to let him go. To do what was right for me in that circumstance. I never could have gotten through the lonely days or sitting in the hospital wondering if he was going to make it. I have also been able to apply this program to work as well. That has been another life saver.
Happiness comes from within. It's a serenity knowing that no matter what life throws at you, you can and will get through it. It's applying the steps and living them on a daily basis. I tumble down those stairs once in a while. But I can get back up and climb back on them. For me that is the happy ending.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Hi, my first post - great to read the material on this topic. Off out o my home metting shortly, but just wanted to add that, for me, living the programme isn't about endings - but the whole 'in the moment' stuff. So if I'm happy in the moment, practising a bit of gratitude, then I can take that (not to say that that is always the case - I do my fair bit of 'slipping' back into the chaotic thinking, and putting other people first especially.
Thanks for the topic BnA, and go well on your own journey!
