The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Why is it I have changed my mobile(cell)phone number..............changed my email address..............got a house phone showing caller ID( Usefull,except where caller ID is withheld,or is international call)........why Is it that when I least expect it.................He(A) phones and gets through???????
Why is it that when I am speaking to my son,and he goes under a bridge and gets cut off.........I wait knowing my son will call me back...A phones on an anonymous phone and catches me on the hop???????( it took me 6 months to get this house phone,will take another 6 months and have to pay the same new connection fee to get a new number-so got caller ID phone instead-not realising it didn't show international or withheld no's)
Why is it that when I finally manage to get to an internet cafe and make contact with my dear friends here,that A manages to contact me at exactly the same time??????
Why is it I can go for months without hearing any word from him,then on the one day that I am in a gloop.......and thinking about him and how he is faring...........is he ok? has he contacted AA?....is he safe?....is he well?.......did he reach out for help and find AA again.....how is it that he ALWAYS manages to catch me unawares?????EXACTLY ON THAT SAME DAY??????? I think and pray for him EVERY day.............but it freaks me that I can tie in every time I actually manage to post here,or am in a "fog" despairing about his life,and how he is doing and losing focus on me and obsessing about HIM...........it ALWAYS happens that he phones and I am caught on the hop???
HOW????????
I managed to get online the day before last........speaking and writing about how I was doing...etc,etc.............tonight,phone rings.....I am expecting a call.......answer and it's A!!!!!! Tells me he is concerned because he knows I am ill?............he heard I had been admitted to hospital and he was worried and scared. I asked him "HOW did you know?"...........answer was " It's not important......I know and I was worried". It freaks me out!!! I was admitted two weeks ago as an emergency and was on a drip for 6 days..............I'm fine now..........but HOW did he know???????
HOW THE HELL DOES HE DO IT?????
How did he manage to get hold of me the night when I was in Uk trying to phone friends here? When I couldn't get a free line to make contact with my friend??
How did he manage to phone 10 seconds after I landed and got through passport control....screaming at me why didn't I let him know I was back??????
How is it he managed to call me on my birthday during the FOUR times I got cut off speaking to my son?????
How does he ALWAYS manage to get some message through to me on the only days I am really down and losing focus on me and obsessing about him?Heck,I can be strong....but not THAT strong???
We split in Feb..........I couldn't take any more of this and feared for my safety. Since then we have hardly had any contact..............certainly not by my instigation. !st was July when he insisted on taking my(his) pup Ruby,then once in uk.......I had spent all night trying to contact friends here...yet he managed to get through and phone me..........then 10 seconds after I landed back here-he was screaming at me why didn't I let him know my arrival date because he KNEW i had returned( I lied and told him I would be back 3 weeks later than I said!! In my defence,I needed some breathing space-not a good excuse for lying,but heck it wasn't a lie on anything like the scale he is expert at!)I had to really examine that too,since I had never lied to him before....felt very uncomfortable about it.......was very alarmed I got caught out just 10 seconds after walking through passport control and swore to myself I'd never do it again!!!!Sheesh....it wasn't even a hanging offence and scared the **** outa me that I got caught out so quickly!!!!.All those years of Sunday Church down the pan!!! Worst is....I've told him lies since!!!! When I got back I found the Turkish Government had banned all English bought mobile phones to force us all to buy Turkish ones which are really expensive,and pay Turkish tax on them.. A few days after I got back my phone was cut..I had to buy a new one with a new number to keep in contact with my family,which gave me a great excuse for not having a mobile number he could contact me on.(Blushing) Last contact was November 9th when I was expecting a call from my son(House phone),got cut off several times,went to bed....then picked up a call from A expecting it to be my son.
I find it odd that I have told him lies since we split up-yet I never,ever did this to him before. I'm not proud of it. He asked me tonight if I had managed to sort out a mobile phone he could call me on,and I told him NO! I don't know why I didn't just tell him I had been forced to buy a Turkish one but it seemed easier to convince him I didn't have a phone since all the newspapers have been banging on about this new law...........he is well aware of it.............and he was drunk when he rang me and I copped out and lied.In my head it was to keep my boundaries to protect me........but the truth is I lied!!!!! How truthfull is that??????
How is it that in order to protect myself from the love between us,from the horrors of this terrible disease.............that all the time I was with him,I never lied to him,yet I'm doing it now?????How is it that he manages to phone me or get a message to me at the very point when I feel most vulnerable and alone????
Don't get me wrong........I'm not backing down,I'm not about to give in and I'm not about to pick up the phone and proclaim my undying love for him and forgiveness or beg him to come home..( I know darned well it's a disease I'm fighting...NOT him. I can forgive him anything.........but I sure as hell won't tell him that!!! He's got to work that out for himself,get sober FOR HIMSELF and work a programme,get a proper job)
Does he really have Extra sensory perception????????
How is it that we have been apart for 10 months...............and this still gets to me?????
I know how you feel hon...it is not a good place to be......I am thinking our love is for real as maybe they love us for real as well...the differance is they can not put anything before the addiction.....and that is th e most hurtful thing of all.....
Stay strong dear lady....I know it is difficult...hang on tight to your higher power.....and let what will be be....
Do you know hon...........The last two times we split up,and he came back of his own accord standing on the doorstep with his cases catching me completely by surprise............in my twisted thinking,I managed to convince myself that since I had been praying so hard for us to be together and for him to commit to AA and recovery..........that it WAS God's will. I used to pray with all my heart and soul "Please God,please give me a concrete sign that all this is going to work out ok?"..........and bam....there he was on the doorstep! I was utterly convinced by the promises to stop drinking,convinced that we were MEANT to be together. I hadn't asked him to come back....God had reached him and directed him to where he was supposed to be.It wasn't my will-it was God's will.......how twisted is that???
And (((Andrea))) you are right I'm sure. I know he loves me with all his heart,I know he hates this disease as much as I do......and we are both powerless.And yes..................it hurts like hell! Maybe I need to go back to step one....for the zillionth time! I seem to have such a huge problem with accepting a bottle of useless,toxic liquid is more important than me/us?
Hate that you are having a difficult time - hope that you will be able to find the peace & serenity you deserve.
Don't forget you can take the control away from him over your life - When you get those phone calls, you can say "I can't talk right now" "Can I call you back later?" "I'm in the middle of something, can we talk another time?" "I'm waiting for a call from _________, I'll need to visit with you another time"
I know it's hard to do this, but it is worth it if it helps you remain a little more serene. Not answering the phone when our daughter calls is so very tough for me, but for me it is the healthier option than picking up that phone & getting caught up in the drama of her disease. Sometimes I do answer the phone & sometimes the conversation is good, but when it isn't, I usually find a way to end the conversation as soon as possible. Not to be mean, just to take care of me.
Good luck with taking care of you!!
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Yes, they lie. If their lips are moving then they are lying. I have done exactly the same thing. I put so much effort into telling him the truth and telling him everything in hopes that he would tell me the truth. It didn't work. He still lies and even more. So I started lying to pay him back. Absolutely no impact. He probably wasn't even listening.
But yes they do have alcoholic radar. It is in one of the Getting Them Sober books. Just as soon as I am ready to end it all, he calls. Well, he already left and that is part of it. I think he left because he thought that I was getting close to my truth about him. He always has to have the upper hand.
But we can't live our lives reacting to what they do or don' t do. I am developing a new strategy. I so want to put the focus on me. Thanks for your share.
I don't know if it's God, or love, or some gift As have, but I go through it all of the time. Mine is even worse than you described. Sometimes I think the only logical explanation is that he has listening devices and gps set up, but he definitely wouldn't be able to manage anything like that. I think it is merely a connection. The only connection you need to worry about is the connection you keep with you.
Could you get an answering machine and just tell all your friends etc that you want to talk to that they will have to leave a message if they want to talk to you.
You probably already know you can do this -maybe you are making connections about him calling when you are thinking about him because simply you are thinking about him still? More than you think? If you *really* wanted to not talk to him you could find a way. he obviously hasn't got the message. I don't think it's ESP. He's just still persisting, because when he calls you are still talking to him -once you engage in conversation then what are your boundaries?? Sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but just my interpretation of what you wrote.
