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I had an AHA moment that made me feel better today, and wanted to share with you all. My AH has been sober for a little over 30 days now, and it is better. He is feeling better, going to meetings, and really trying. It is hard to get my hopes up, but I am being wary. I have made some mistakes in my recovery, like wanting to bring up things that he has done this year and shove them in his face, these things just come out sometimes and I regret it immediately.
Anyway, this weekend I brought up something in spite, and he looked at me in disbelief. He did not remember anything that I brought up. I made sure to tell him it was one of the worst nights spent with him ever.... but you guys, he really did not remember.
It just made me realize that the alcoholics are so lost and so in their disease that they really don't know what they are doing to you most of the time.
They are called "black outs" though sometimes they are not passed out, they are walking, talking, etc. I learned that talking to someone who is drunk is like "pissing in the wind" if you get the picture.
I learned in Alanon that when I wanted to punish the A for all the bad things he had done to me, I ended up not liking myself. So glad your hubby is finding recovery. I pray that he continues on that road.
yours in recovery,
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Black outs, repression, and selective memory. The mind is an incredible thing. It is going to protect you every way it can. I have witnessed recall of an incident where she was quoting "me" from a previous argument.... those were things "she" said. It was wierd, cause they were things I would never say to her.
The disease is a mind altering experience in my opinion, and all bets are off while they are consuming.
I understand your desire to "remind" him how bad this all is. But truely I have never done this with sucess. (of course my AW is still drinking every day) So maybe I just haven't had the opportunity yet... LOL
Sometimes our actions are not ment to make us feel better, they are oportunities for growth. You're relization that they are out of control, is freeing for you. That's real growth.
Thanks for sharing it!
Hope you have a great day!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Just the other night, while my A was "grading" his level of intoxication while visiting w/ a family member, I couldn't help but ask him "Then what where you when we moved the picnic table?" He looked at me, and said "when?" -- Now this had only been a few days before, and it's a heavy duty picnic table which we moved from the back to the front yard. I knew he was toast, but was walking, talking and even helping. The thing is he has no memory of it.
They are so lost. I can only imagine how you must want him to know and understand all events that have occured that have hurt you, now that he is sober. Try to keep in mind that in the days, weeks and hopfully years to come, you'll be making memories both of you will remember.
Hersh, I agree- they are lost. This reminded me of something that happened a few weeks ago. My daughters were home from college and my son was showing them a picture of a bear that was on our property over the summer, but we just developed the pictures. He showed the girls the picture and them ran over to his Dad to show him. He looked at the picture and said it was great and listened to them retell the story of the bear in the yard. My AH came into the kitchen and was almost crying, I asked "What's wrong?" his answer broke my heart he said, " Where was I, was I drunk when the bear was here?" No he wasn't drunk, but he was in rehab. I just said, "No, you weren't home".
My Ah is improving, with more time between slips. I am focused on me. Working my program and trying hard to live in the present. Example: I made a nice dinner last night. He was sober and complimented the dinner over and over. The first time he said something nice my first thought was to say "There have been plenty of great dinners you missed while drunk" instead I just said "Thank you" and we had a nice meal. (I think I also chewed off half my tongue, LOL because I am still so bitter.)
Point: nothing they say or do, nothing we say or do can change the past. Work your program and keep a plan B handy.
It's kind of a double edged sword , on one hand we want them to acknowledge what jerks they were to us cuz we sure remember the pain. On the other, they don't remember it so I would have to think that it's like someone telling them a story that doesn't really involve them. So, we are expecting them to understand something that is totally foreign to them that they supposedly did or said.
I suspect sometimes it's a bit like being in a coma, the whole world went by, life happened, and they just were out of it or standing on the sidelines in their disease. Which is really weird, considering we made them the center of our world (come to think of it). It's no wonder that the thinking of both parties is so far apart. It's totally different ends of the spectrum. LOL! I think I just gave myself an AHA moment.
Since my A and I have about 20 yrs of water under the bridge, it'd be pretty hard to throw things in his face, I'd be lucky to have the time to live that much longer.
Something happened when I almost lost him and he got sober. Somehow we just left all that stuff behind us and started with a clean slate. I decided we'd have a much better trip if I left behind all the old baggage and dirty laundry.
take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I can really relate to what you said about bringing up something they did and them having NO CLUE about any of it!
I remember my husband's ex-g/f telling me something about him (they had a thing while we were engaged and shortly after we were married...sigh...). Anyway, while he was in jail for his dui's, I asked her some things, she hesitated, and then admitted. It's a long story how I ended up talking to her, but I won't go into that, lolol...
The next time I talked to him, while he was still in jail, I brought things up, and he VEHEMENTLY denied one thing in particular. I knew she had told me the truth about some things, but still he denied one thing. I finally hung up on him...
He called me back the next morning and said, after talking with his sponsor the nite before, that the things his ex-g/f said were true. He said he had just convinced himself over time that he never did such-and-such, and actually believed himself! LOLOL, the lies and the denial...ugggg....He said that when he talked to his sponsor and told what I had accused him of, he started having memories coming back. My counselor said that they lie so much that they actually believe that they are telling the truth.
Anyway, just letting ya know that it happens with most of the A's, I've heard.
I too can relte to this post...my hub has absolutely no clue the devistation he has caused in his active addiction...do I think he ever will....?????....I however, know all...remember all.....
How sad it must be to live in a reality that you can't even remember.....
I try to walk a middle path with this - if something comes up, I don't pretend or sugar coat it, I'll tell him the truth about what happened. However, I'm not bringing anything up. There really is no point - he knows what he did. Maybe not every detail of every drunk, but he knows. He also knows about things that I only suspect, most likely. Telling the truth is one thing, hammering it in is another.
Sometimes it takes a while for things to sink in. My husband had been sober for about a year and a half, I think, when we went to a company dinner. There were a lot of people there who he has started out with, many years ago. Now they were high level brass, flying in from New York and France. I think that was the very first time he looked straight on at the mess he had made of his career. On the way home, he was so low, I felt the urge to cheer him up, but I didn't try, beyond taking his arm. This is the sort of reality he has to learn to face, if he is going to face the world sober. No one did this to him, he did it to himself. However, I also didn't feel any need to say "See what you could have done, if you hadn't been such a screwup all those years?" He knew, he didn't need me grinding salt into the wound.
