The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Every weekend my husband would be a DRAG, he wouldn't want to get up when I wanted him to, he wouldn't want to go do anything with the family he was ALWAYS "resting". He was grumpy and mean and nasty to everyone on his time off and I was always resentful that he wouldn't get up and be part of the family. Then when he DID go! All he did was criticize and yell at the kids and it was no fun anyway. After a while we learned to just go do things alone and then he would be upset that we went without him!
The point..I really thought it was me - my expectations that he would get up at the time I wanted, etc. But I have noticed that when it's just me and 3 kids we manage to get out of the house fine and go do things together. We manage to have fun, take trips, etc. Mind you I'm in control in this situation. But I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it and if you want to go then you get ready and go, otherwise I leave!
He really had me convinced that I was a b* for trying to get him out of bed before noon on Saturday and Sunday!
I know exactly how you feel. I went through years of trying to be better so she would not be so upset all the time. Better dad, better husband, better lover... whatever. The list of scales that I didn't add up on, was never ending. I believed her disease and nearly lost my mind before I came here.
When we were kids, our friends and family could convince us of anything... you're fat, your slow, your dumb, your too short, your shoes are ugly... blah blah blah. As we get older we find we have our own opinions, and they matter more than everyone elses.
The disease is so relentless that we forget we have an opionion any more. Someone keeps telling you that you are X so often, so loud and with such conviction that you begin to believe it.
Thank HP for al-anon which reminds us that we have a right to be just what we are, and they have a right to be just what they are.... no guilt, no shame... it just is what it is.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
