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I havent posted in awhile I have been reading a lot of posts but for some reason haven't posted. Now, I really need some guidance, support and just to write down my thoughts...
I kicked my husband out in September. He was drinking a lot and going out until all hours of the night with his buddies. I found out that one of those "buddies" was a female and that was my limit. He left with the camper and I was miserable.. A few days after he left he got his first DUI.. his first arrest and it ended up on the front page of the newspaper because he is a firefighter-emt... That was a huge embarrassment for him and our family. We got thru that he finally admitted for friends and his chief and hr department that he has a problem. He committed to get help and things really turned around, he was spending time with the family. We had a GREAT Thanksgiving we thought he would be home by Christmas if everything continued. Last week I received the bank statement and noticed that he would leave our home on his bike at 8:30 and most nights stop at the PUB... I didnt overreact but did let him know that I knew what he was doing and told him. We continued on the same path and still working on us, talking everyday for hours and really getting somewhere.. Friday night was my daughters sweet 16 party and we worked hard getting her car ready.. It was a GREAT moment, she was so happy !! Then before her party my daughter drove with her Dad to get ice while I decorated and I later found out that he bought a "bottle" while at the store getting ice..My daughter told me this AFTER my husband made a BUTT out of himself at her party.. He got upset the way some of the kids were dancing and BLAMED me for ALLOWING this dancing to continue. Then he BLAMED me for having this OUT OF CONTROL party, and insisted that my daughter was booty dancing with her boyfriend.. I am not saying they werent dancing too close but I trust my daughter. She has a good head on her shoulder and I know that although she isnt perfect she will make good choices. Anyway, he got angry and walked back to our home about a mile away.. When we got home about midnight he began SCREAMING at me again blaming me for EVERYTHING and then calling her friends ( which were here ) sluts and two of their Moms were helping at the party worse.. Then he stormed out and went back to the trailer. Needless to say my daughter CRIED as he FORBID her to see her boyfriend again.. I CRIED that after we had come so far this happened and that he was DRINKING again... Well, he called me all night... Each time SCREAMING at me, finally at about 3am the calls stopped.. Yesterday he called me all day screaming what a BAD Mom I am and how could I allow her to have a party like THIS... I was very proud of myself, I didnt call him back or answer all of his calls.. Then last night my friends and I were planning a night of dinner and dancing.. He knew that and was NOT happy, he told me that he didnt care if it cost 500 dollars he would find me !! Well, he called and called and this time I didnt answer the phone..At one point he left a message that I had 30 minutes to come to the trailer if I wanted to save our marriage.. I told him that I wasnt coming that I was out with friends and I would talk to him tomorrow.. When I got home after not less than 200 calls I talked to him and told him I am home and he could stop calling now.. He ask where I went and I told him dancing with friends and left it at that.. After a few minutes, we hung up and then the calls began again at 3am.. He wants a DIVORCE I have PROBLEMS I told him whatever he wants is okay with me.. I will be okay whatever happens.. BUt inside, I am falling apart, just crumbling inside... I WILL not call him, I WILL stay busy and NOT allow HIM to ruin my DAY !! Now, I say this but HOW DO I DO THIS ?? I was looking forward to the best CHRISTMAS yet... Now, this.... The sad thing is that I may have brought this on myself since I put so much faith on this marriage working..
Thanks for allowing me to share.... I would really appreciate some thoughts and ESH...
One thing I learned when the phone calls are non stop is that I can unplug the house phones and turn off my cell phone. It's amazing what that one little thing can do to boost your self control. It also gives you some quiet time to rest and rejuvenate yourself.
I highly suggest that you get yourself to f2f meetings, get a sponsor and take back control of your life. You can't fix him and you know that but you can fix yourself.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I am so sorry that your hurting. Stay strong and be gentle with yourself. The one thing I have found is that when I don't react like I use to, well, my A doesn't know where to go with that. I too, have unplugged my phone when he is being unreasonable or the disease is yelling at me. When I made the choice not to react to him (sometimes I slip and react) he looks confused, he doesn't know where to go with an argument when the other person isn't interacting with him.
You know in your heart that you are a great person. Keep working the program and remember to take care of you.
Funny, a couple years ago I use to believe that I couldn't imagine waking up without my A by my side.....I don't tell myself that anymore but just the other day he said to me...."I can't imagine my life without you." My A is still drinking, he hasn't stayed out late or all night in months, but I know it may happen but working the program and having the focus on me instead of his behavior has helped a lot more than I thought it ever would.
What I keep seeing is that "He does X...I do Y....He does A...I do B..." It's like some how you're waiting to see what he does first so you know what to do next. And it's like, Why? Why are you waiting? You know what's gonna happen. He's desprate. He's scared. He's panicking. He's flipping out. And he's gonna go to any extremes to find a way to take down all the people he needs to in order to feel safe. He is the antithesis of "crabs in a barrel:" clawing and climbing on top of everyone for a means to a destructive end.
There's nothing you can do. Start shelling out for caller ID. You don't have to answer the phone. You can set limits on how long and under what circumstances you want to talk to him. Just because he's your husband doesn't mean that you owe him eternal anythings. No where in the marriage vows does it say "I will allow myself to tolerate your insanity, your abuse, your creative discord."
This is a good place to start working a program for yourself. To get a sponsor and really get into those steps. To really sign up for some al anon service work. To get active in the local al anon community. You want to see some folks suffering? Go with another al anon and bring meetings to the local rehab centers. Those folks are in dire straights. Or, even better, give your lead to the individuals who are in drug rehab and treatment facilities--the folks who are convinced taht "I didn't hurt no body with my drinking..." Those are some sick puppies, folks that lost it ALL, and THEN some. You're in a perfect place to get on hands and knees and get into program. To start learning the spiritual solution to the human problems.
I am also facing my first Christmas without my (A) partner.. he also has been calling me and calling me, especially when he knows I am going to go out with friends for the night even just movies and dinner - he also called me up at 2am, and called my friends sluts etc...
It is just desperation. Sometimes I think it's just his frustration in not being able to make things work.
The minute I talk to him again he's all happy and making promises about changing. Kind of reminds me of my little 18mo old boy - tantrums. He'll cry sometimes you'd think he was being tortured, and roll around on the ground.. but if the minute I pay attention to him or give into him he's okay and smiling... go figure - some men are just boys deep down. You would not give into a child, you set boundaries. It can be very trying, reminds me of Survivor: "Outwit, outlast..."
I still get pangs of hopes and dreams lost but that's all they are, they are not reality - maybe print out what you wrote here in the forum and read it when you feel like calling him. Don't feel bad about having tried to make your marriage work, it's natural.
I want this Christmas to be peacefull, I'm going to *make it my own* for me and my son. Because I know that if we spend it with A there is every chance that he will lapse and ruin it for me. And I don't want to spend all day wondering what it will be like. I'm taking control of my life and not being tossed about at his every whim.
About your husband calling you and calling you and then saying he wants a divorce, he sounds like he is just angry -some people tend to 'step it up' once they realise they are loosing their 'hold' on you (ie. you not answering the phone), and realising that you mean business. I'm sure he knows what's really going on, and given some space and time to calm down will be more open to talk to you.
Wow, I'm so glad it's not just me. This is exactly where I was a few weeks ago with the house selling fiasco and him calling and saying he wants a divorce, etc. The worst part is it really makes no sense and yet I continue to try to make sense of the things he says. I am not sure if he will be coming for Christmas or not but I bought the best tree I have ever had and got the kids everything they wanted. I know it's partially because I am trying to make up for dad not being there. But in reality him not being there will probably be the best part because we won't have to deal with his grumpy attitude!
So sorry you are going through this. It is so embarrassing and hurtful when the A acts out in public, and then blames YOU for everything. I know this well. There IS hope however. I know that the worse they get, it is better, though hurtful at the time, because he is one step further down and will get more desperate for help. It is good that you detached and did not answer the calls, you are strong and getting stronger. Don't worry about the divorce threat, he is just angry and mad at himself, and doesn't know what to do because you are getting stronger. You are changing and he senses that. Just know that you are doing the MOST loving thing for him by detaching and taking care of yourself, though I know it does not feel like it.
To let him go right now and have the dignity to pick up the pieces himself is what he most likely needs. It is the hardest thing to do, but truly, Tammy, the best thing you can do right now, even at this time of year. I have heard many alcoholics in meetings say that when their spouse let them go, that was when they knew they were desperate and hurt a lot, some enough to get help. There IS hope, just keep taking care of you and the kids. They really need you now.
Call me anytime, love and prayers for you everyday...
When I read your posts and responses, I realized one positive thing your A's tantrum did. It allowed your daughter to see how much of a problem that he has. You see, the biggest mistake I made was sheltering our son from his Dad's crazy behavior's. So once I left him, our son was surprised that his Dad's drinking was a huge problem for me. He had no idea how unhappy I was and to this day (1 year later) he blames me for the failure of our marriage. He wants things to go back to the way they were! Keep in mind our son is now 19 years old! Old enough to realize that it wouldn't work, old enough to know we're happier without eachother. To his credit his Dad hasn t drank since 3 days after I left. I'm proud of him and the program he is working. I've told our son that but he can only see it as my screwing his Dad for all he's worth.
Kids need to know the reality, as much as that hurts a parent, it is important. Focus on you and your kids this Christmas, start a new tradition and make it special.
